How to Deal With a Jealous Friend

• Try to understand your friend’s jealousy; think about what they say, when they make comments, and why they might be doing it.
• Talk to your jealous friend with an open mind, and focus on supporting them and building their confidence.
• If they don’t stop, confront your friend and set boundaries, keeping in mind that a toxic friendship may not be worth saving in the end.

Understanding Your Friend's Jealousy

Consider when jealous comments are made. When your friend makes a critical or harmful remark, pause and think about what possibly triggered their spiteful comment. Were you telling them about something good that is happening to you? Did you just share your plans for the future? Had they just come from spending time with other people? After a few days or weeks, you will start to notice a pattern. Recognizing this pattern may help you know how to steer a conversation and or reveal your friend's insecurities. If your friend always makes jealous, spiteful comments while hanging out in a group, they may put you down in an effort to bolster their waning self-confidence. If your friend always makes envious remarks after you've shared plans with for your future, they may feel like their future isn't as promising as yours.

Evaluate the content of their envious comments. Jealous comments reveal a lot about the person making the invidious statement. These comments, while directed at you, aren't necessarily about you. Think about content of the comments. What do they reveal about your friend's point of view and sense of self? Is your friend always telling you that you're not good at something? Do they frequently make fun of your appearance? If your friend is super critical of your possessions, they may be struggling to define their identity outside of their possessions and finances. If your friend makes negative comments about your success, they may be jealous about the opportunities you are receiving or envious of your talents. If your friend constantly critiques your appearance, they may feel insecure about their own physical appearance.

Speculate about what your friend is trying to achieve. Jealous comments usually serve a dual purpose. First and foremost, these remarks are meant to make you feel bad about yourself. You should also consider that your friend may be mad at you, building herself up by cutting you down, or trying to manipulate you. There is also the possibility that your friend treats everyone they encounter in this manner. Your friend could be mad at you for numerous reasons, petty or otherwise. Is there a reason your friend might be angry with you? Did you recently fight? Did you forget to call them back? Were you gossiping about them? In order to diminish and distract from our own faults, insecurities, or fears, we have a tendency to point out other's failings. Is your friend struggling with self-confidence or body image issues? Are they feeling unsure about their future? Cutting someone down can make a person feel more powerful and confident. Does your friend thrive on feeling superior and in charge?

Differentiate between jealousy, negativity, and depression. Humans are complex beings. Our emotional, mental, and physical health are interconnected and inform our mood, actions, and words. While you may perceive your friend's comments as jealous statements, there may be more to their envious quips than meets the eye. Instead of writing your friend off as jealous and petty, ask your friend how they are doing. Some people struggle to manage their negative thoughts. If your friend is constantly comparing themselves to you, they may caught in a cycle of self-doubt and self-loathing. Their seemingly jealous remarks are making them feel worse instead of better about themselves. Recent studies suggest that individuals struggling with depression have a difficult time distinguishing between negative emotions. If they truly are envious of you, they may not identify their actions or comments as such; if they are angry or sad, these emotions may manifest as jealousy.

Working Past the Jealousy

Talk to your jealous friend as soon as possible. Good friends are hard to find—don't let the conflict fester for too long or you could lose a great companion. If you value the friendship, address your friend's jealousy directly. Bring up the envious comments tactfully—instead of accusing them of being green with envy, acknowledge that these negative statements concern and hurt you. Note that you are worried about the status of your friendship and alarmed by the shift in their demeanor. Communicate your feelings clearly and listen attentively to your friend's response. Ask your friend how they are doing personally. Are they struggling at school, home, or work? Are their parents fighting? Did they just get out of a relationship? Were they passed over for a great opportunity? Are they coping with these challenges by acting out in jealousy towards you? Do they think your life is so much better or easier than their life? Ask if you did something to offend or upset them. Did you forget their last birthday? Did you fail to text or call them back? Did you host a party and forget to invite them? Did you gloss over their most recent success? Use I statements to express your feelings and concerns. “I felt hurt when you said _____.” Do not transform your I-statements into You-statements with the words “should” and “ought” or the phrases “I feel that” or “I feel like you.” Practice active listening. Put away all forms of distractions. Maintain eye contact with your friend, while leaning forward and tilting your head slightly. Do not interrupt your friend.

Maintain an open mind. Throughout the discussion, your friend's explanation or justification for their jealous comments and actions may surprise you. While you might perceive that your friend's behavior is driven by jealousy, your friend may insist that they are not envious of you at all. Your friend's critical words may be due to their disapproval of your actions or a new relationships. Or, perhaps the source of your friend's jealousy seems completely ludicrous to you. Instead of disputing their claim, listen carefully to their explanation. Attempt to see the issue from their perspective. Instead of dismissing their emotional response, validate their feelings. “I understand why you feel that _____.” “I can see how my actions upset you.” “I get why you felt jealous of my (success, wardrobe, vacation, etc.).” If you take issue with your friend's justification for their actions, remain civil, acknowledge the validity of their response, and politely agree to disagree. Don't tell your friend how they do or do not feel.

Encourage, support, and build-up your friend. As a trusting, loving, and devoted friend, you are a great person to help your friend overcome their jealousy. You can assist them through this process in a variety of ways. Perhaps they need to see that you are not as perfect, happy, or put together as you appear or maybe they need to hear from you that they are valuable, special, and successful. If they are jealous of your success, help them recognize the value in their accomplishments. If they are struggling with depression, assist them through a difficult time. If their life at home is less than ideal, provide them with an opportunity to get out more or share struggles you've had with your own family. If their trying to overcome a negative body image, compliment them everyday. If they are struggling with insecurities, reveal some of your own fears.

Confronting a Toxic Friendship

Determine if this friendship is worth saving. Toxic friendships are detrimental to your physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing. Is your jealous friend really just a toxic individual? If so, your attempts to rationally discuss their jealous behavior may prove fruitless. Common characteristics of toxic individuals include: Need to control others Disregard for personal boundaries Selfishness Need to always be right Dishonesty Inability to accept responsibility for their actions Tendency to play the victim

Confront the toxic friend. If your friend is a toxic individual, it may be in your best interest to take steps to either confront their negative behavior in an effort to improve or end the relationship. When you confront their harmful behavior: Acknowledge that you are coming from a place of love and honesty. “In the best interest of our friendship and my wellbeing, I must tell you the truth. Tell them explicitly how you feel. “I feel _______ when you _______.” Ask them to stop their behavior. “Are you willing to stop _______ so that we can have a healthier relationship?”

Set clear boundaries. Boundaries can provide structure and stability to a toxic relationship. Once you set these boundaries, they are non-negotiable—do not let your friend bully you into changing the boundaries. You can start to set boundaries for your toxic relationship by answering these questions: When can your friend contact you? How can they contact you? In what circumstances will you contact your friend? How will you contact them if you must get ahold of them? Will you ignore or acknowledge them when you see them in public? Will you block them on social media? May they remain in contact with your family members?

End the relationship and move on. If this individual can not honor the terms of your agreement, it is time to sever ties. Let them know that you can no longer maintain a relationship with them. When you confront this individual, have a clear and concise explanation ready. They may pressure you for further details or attempt to manipulate your words. If this occurs, remind yourself that you don't need to justify your decision. Ending this relationship will be a process. Toxic individuals struggle to respect boundaries. As a result, cutting these individuals out of your life becomes a long, trying process. Remain firm in your resolution as you persistently work towards distancing yourself from them.