Handling Ungrateful People at Work
Look at the situation from their perspective. Sometimes other people don’t always see how much time and energy goes into helping them. Instead of thinking about what you’ve done, think about what your customers or coworkers can actually see. Are they able to see how much work you’ve done to help them? If people don’t know what you’ve done to help, they can’t be expected to show their appreciation. Sometimes it’s part of any role that you have to put in effort without seeing immediate reward. For example, you may have spent the morning putting out all new inventory, but a customer who just walked in wouldn't know that. When they ask if you have other sizes in the back, let them know, "I put out everything we have this morning. Would you like me to help you look for your size on the sales floor?"
Consider whether there are other factors making someone upset. Looking at things from someone else’s perspective can also help you see when something isn’t really about you. A customer in a store, for example, might be cranky because their kid has been crying all morning. People also have a tendency to shoot the messenger. If you are relaying information that upsets them, but that is out of your control, they may get even more upset with you. That doesn't mean you did anything wrong. This is an especially common tendency with ungrateful bosses and managers. They often project their own feelings of inferiority or criticisms directed at them onto their team. In those cases, it's often best to let your work speak for you rather than demanding gratitude. While it's not necessarily fair that they are taking their frustrations out on you, there's nothing you could have done differently to change their attitude.
Stay calm. Whether it's your boss, a coworker, or a customer, dealing with an ungrateful person in the workplace can be incredibly frustrating. Getting angry or losing your temper with that person will only make things worse, though. Take a deep breath, and let your rage go as you exhale. You can still be frustrated internally, but try to avoid an emotional outburst. If the person is constantly pushing your buttons or won’t let a situation pass, try excusing yourself until you’re able to calm down. If the person is harassing you, don’t be afraid to ask your manager to intervene.
Prepare for their negative attitude. If you consistently have to be around an ungrateful client or coworker, prepare yourself in advance for their negative attitude. Anticipate their criticisms and demands in advance, and try to meet them to the best of your ability. If, for example, you have a client who constantly criticizes you for how long your team takes to do work, prepare a comprehensive timeline for them. Then, let them know, “We have set up this timeline because your work is too important for us to get wrong and we want to do everything correctly.” This may or may not satisfy your client but it will show other people who matter, like your managers, that you are doing everything you can to handle a difficult situation. If your manager is consistently difficult, you may consider talking to them about how you can track and show them your work so that you are meeting their expectations. You may also consider speaking to HR if they are hypercritical or verbally abusive. You never have to stand for a situation where your manager takes advantage of you in any way.
Practice kindness even when it’s difficult. Take a deep breath, smile, thank them for their time, and move on. Taking a “kill them with kindness” approach has a couple of benefits. First, it protects the reputation of your company or your team. Second, the more you maintain a positive attitude, the more people will see how ungrateful your customer or coworker has been.
Coping with Friends and Family
Have an honest discussion about your feelings. Sometimes the people you’re closest to simply don’t realize that you feel underappreciated. If this person is someone you care about, start by giving them the benefit of the doubt and asking to have an open, honest conversation. Outline why you think they’ve been ungrateful, and give them a chance to answer. Try to use “I” statements instead of casting blame. For example, you could say “I feel like you take for granted how often I help you with work projects, even though we don’t work for the same company.” Your tone should be firm, but open. Your friend or family member may be more receptive to your concerns if you frame them as your feelings instead of accusations. Give them a chance to address your feelings and apologize, if they feel it is necessary. Remember that no one is obligated to apologize. Give your friend or family member the chance, but understand that they may not do so. If they don't, it's your choice as to whether you want to continue addressing the issue or move past it.
Look at things from their point of view. It's not always easy but it's important to consider the other person's perspective in a situation, even when you feel certain you are right. Try to see if there are moments where you have been demanding or ungrateful, too. You could also try to see if there are other factors outside of you that are influencing the other person's attitude. If, for example, your friend is going through a rough breakup and seems rude or needy, their attitude has nothing to do with you. They are just struggling with difficult emotions. As they heal, though, their ungrateful habits will fade and they will appreciate that you were there for them.
Set up boundaries that state what you will and won’t do. If you feel someone in your life is taking advantage of you, outline clear boundaries letting them know what you are and are not willing to do for them. Then, hold fast on those boundaries. It may feel difficult at first, but staying firm on your personal limits is ultimately the best way to break their reliance on you. If you are the only person in your house who does the dishes, for instance, let your roommates know that moving forward you will only be cleaning the dishes you dirty. They will be accountable for their own mess. EXPERT TIP Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD Clinical Psychologist Dr. Niall Geoghegan is a Clinical Psychologist in Berkeley, CA. He specializes in Coherence Therapy and works with clients on anxiety, depression, anger management, and weight loss among other issues. He received his Doctorate in Clinical Psychology from the Wright Institute in Berkeley, CA. Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD Dr. Niall Geoghegan, PsyD Clinical Psychologist Understand what works for you. Niall Geoghegan, a clinical psychologist, says: “There is no rule saying your friendships have to be equally emotionally supportive. Some people prefer giving support and others are uncomfortable getting support. The question is, is there enough emotional support for you?”
Cut ties with the person if they are constantly negative. If you’re dealing with someone who is consistently ungrateful or overly negative no matter what you do, think about limiting their role in your life. Decide what, if any, role you want that person to play in your world, and limit them to that role. Say, for example, you have a friend who constantly demands your time to do things they want to do or navigate their emotional problems, but who is unwilling to return the favor. You may choose to limit that friend to someone you only see in groups so that you don’t have to handle their emotional burden on your own. You may also decide that you’re happier not maintaining that friendship. A person who demands your time and effort but who shows no consideration or appreciation for your efforts can become a toxic force if you let them.
Practicing Gratitude in Your Daily Life
Give honest thanks for everyday things. Modeling gratitude in your daily life can help show others how to practice it in theirs, as well. Take a “treat others as you want to be treated” approach and offer sincere thanks for things in your daily life that you might take for granted. If, for example, your partner always makes the first pot of coffee in the morning, take a few seconds to tell them, “I know I don’t say it every day, but I appreciate that you take the time to make coffee in the morning.” Remember that everyone can come off as ungrateful sometimes. Use this as a chance to practice gratitude in situations where you think you might sometimes seem ungrateful.
Encourage a culture of gratitude. Whether in your own home or at work, you can set up the space around you to encourage gratitude. Try to show appreciation for small accomplishments as well as large ones and encourage others around you to do the same. At home, for example, you could implement a weekly activity where everyone goes around the dinner table and says one nice thing about everyone else. At work, take time at team meetings to publicly praise small efforts as well as large accomplishments. Compliment the effort of everyone involved, not just the team or project leads. You could even give out hand-written thank you cards after major projects.
Keep a gratitude journal. One very simple way to practice gratitude is to keep a gratitude notebook or journal. Every day, write down 3-5 things for which you are grateful. These could be anything from specific events or moments in your life to little things like good weather or a good night’s sleep.
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