Marital disharmony: Neither new nor insoluble

KOCHI: In most present day families, unhappiness and discontent among husband and wife often end in marital disharmony and divorce. Assessment and treatment of marital dysfunction has also grown dramatically, particularly in the urban areas. Professional associations for therapists and counsellors continue to increase and with it, the amount of research work on the subject. Concern about marital functioning has developed considerably among mental health professionals who study the disturbing trends in divorce, family disruption and their effects on the individuals.One may wonder what husband and wife are doing wrong, why they just can’t get along and have  amicable settlements. For this, the couples should have an awareness of the causes for marital conflict and deal with them with an impartial, impersonal and dedicated manner. Ignorance in this field is not bliss. The reasons for marital conflict and discord might be incredibly simple, petty  or unimportant issues but they too have to be taken into consideration while solving problems of marital disharmony. Marital stress and conflict leading to discord may be due to the lack of effective communication. In the former, it may be the spouse’s inadequate affection and care, lack of empathy and understanding or the inability to confide in the other.  As far as the latter is concerned, it may be due to minor disagreements snowballing into major arguments, over sensitiveness of one of the spouses or both or a spouse’s overly critical nature. Marital disharmony can occur if the spouses do not spend sufficient time together or if they do not have common interests. Finances is another subject which can cause disagreements if they are not discussed calmly and properly. Sexual dissatisfaction with regard to variousfactors such as frequency, quality, interest, enjoyment of the spouses as well as extra-marital affairs may cause marital distress or problems.Rejection of the traditional ‘home maker’ role for women, not believing in shared home responsibilities, rejection of career opportunities for women, family history of  distress of one of the spouses or both, dissatisfaction with child rearing and upbringing may also lead to marital disharmony.  It is also true that spouses should be selective in making and entertaining friends and cultivate habits which are mutually appreciated. In-laws, siblings and stepchildren should be considerate to the spouses, particularly to the newly married spouses. Sometimes false judgements and undue expectations may turn to be major sources of conflict and distress in marriages.Marriage can be incredibly rewarding so long as it does not damage the personality and adjustment levels of one or both the spouses. Of course one cannot always have a marriage like that of Darby and Joan, the legendary characters. However, these factors can be considered positively as areas of opportunity for learning, growth, harmony and development or negatively as chaos, confusion, stress, distress and misery.Marriage is thus a ‘mixed package.’ Laxmi and Raju looked upon the difficulties in their marriage in a positive way, described their relationships in a positive and encouraging manner and despite minor bickerings and quarrels, idealised their marriage as a perfect one, shutting out other alternatives. They considered their marriage as sacred and divine! Others erase resentment, anxiety, stress, negative talk, anger, fears etc from the married life’s repertoire and make their lives sublime with health, happiness and longevity. Spouses can turn to recreational, social and religious activities to make their lives better and brighter.Even if the spouses hail from aristocratic, well-educated, prudent and affluent families, there might be unending quarrels, bickerings and ruffling of feathers all day long sometimes. The consolation is that there is nothing new in all these. From time immemorial  marriage dissatisfaction has been documented among spouses of all categories in legends and folklores. Every marriage carries within it seeds of emotional difficulties as well as possibilities of great happiness. It is proverbially said that if one does not like something about their partner, it is better that one of the spouses change! Spouses should also remember that marriage is no way a bed of roses, even the outstanding couples suffer occasionally from discord at times.