What are the “birthday blues?”
The “birthday blues” refers to being sad or depressed about your birthday. Birthday depression, also called “birthday blues,” is not a formal diagnosis, but it describes the negative feelings in the days leading up to or on your birthday. This includes sadness, dread, anxiety, apathy, irritability, and/or disappointment, which may persist for several days after the big day. How common are the “birthday blues?” It’s totally normal to feel sad, stressed, anxious, or depressed around (or on) your birthday! Many factors can cause the “birthday blues,” and it may be more common in those with anxiety or depression.
What do “birthday blues” feel like?
You might feel sad, low, or more down than usual if you have the “birthday blues.” Depending on the individual, birthday depression can manifest in different ways. Symptoms of the “birthday blues” include, but are not limited to, the following: Losing your appetite Withdrawing from loved ones Crying more often than normal Difficulty sleeping or waking up Ruminating about past decisions Trouble concentrating or focusing Experiencing physical aches or pains Having low self-esteem or self-confidence Lack of interest in things you typically enjoy doing Being tired or unenthusiastic in the days approaching your birthday Feeling sad, low, or more down than usual and being unable to find out why Experiencing mild paranoia or anxiety beforehand and on your birthday itself
How to Cope with the “Birthday Blues”
Accept and process your emotions. The first step in preventing (or overcoming) the “birthday blues” is to tell yourself that it’s okay to feel down. Your emotions are completely valid, so try to allow them without any judgment or criticism. Ask yourself why you might be feeling this way, and write your feelings down in a journal to help you address them. With that being said, it’s possible to dwell on negative feelings and worsen your mood. To avoid this, consider setting a “sadness limit” for yourself. You could journal for 10-15 minutes, for instance, then engage in a fun activity to distract yourself.
Treat yourself and practice self-care. Think of your birthday as the one time of year where you can be completely selfish and ball out. Fill your day with activities that bring you joy, and don’t feel pressured to host a huge party if it’s not your idea of fun. Whether you surround yourself with people who make you feel good or spend your entire day in solitude, here are some ideas to pamper yourself: Go on a long hike Take a trip to the spa Cook your favorite meal Have a picnic at the park Attend a concert or comedy show Sign up for an art or cooking class Watch a movie or show you’ve been postponing Buy something that’s been on your wish list for a while
Tell your loved ones that it’s your birthday. There’s nothing wrong with reminding your friends and family members before the big day, especially if they’re busy or forgetful. Communicating your wishes and expectations ahead of time is one of the best ways to kick off your celebrations, plus avoid feelings like loneliness, disappointment, and depression. Remember, other people can’t read your mind. Think of how you want your loved ones to show up for you on your special day, and give them enough time to make it happen. For example, if you want to go on a road-trip with your besties, mention it a few months in advance and start planning. If you want a romantic dinner with your partner, ask them to book a reservation at least 2 weeks beforehand.
Reflect on the past year and practice gratitude. Highlighting your accomplishments can instantly make you feel better. What’s the best thing that happened this past year? What challenges did you overcome? Did you learn a new skill? Expressing gratitude for all the experiences in your life can help you stay positive on the big day. Some other reasons you might feel grateful include: Meeting someone new Maintaining good health Having the ability to learn Completing another year of life Strengthening existing relationships Having a roof over your head or a stable job
Set goals for yourself and look forward to the future. Instead of dwelling on the past and what you “should have” accomplished by now, remind yourself of the endless possibilities in the future. This can help you push away negative thoughts and get you excited about turning older. Who knows? You might land a promotion, move to a new city, or meet the love of your life in the upcoming year! If you’re not where you want to be in life, write down a list of specific and realistic goals, then make a checklist of tasks you can complete to work towards them every day. For example, if your top goal is to own a home, you could make sub-goals like saving money, building your credit, and increasing your income. Within these sub-goals, you could break things down even further, such as paying your credit card bills on time or looking for a new job.
Create a birthday tradition for yourself. Starting a new birthday tradition can give you something to look forward to every year. Whether it’s cooking your favorite meal, taking a relaxing bubble bath, or going to the beach to watch the sunset, take part in a birthday ritual that helps you feel calm and eases your anxieties. Other ideas include: Visiting your parents Buying yourself flowers Reading a book at the park Going for a 30-minute drive alone Taking a walk around your neighborhood
Don’t overplan your celebration (and ask for help if needed). While your birthday might seem like the perfect occasion to pack in as many activities as possible, overplanning can lead to stress, exhaustion, and irritation. Opt for a calmer celebration, or ask your friends or family members for help if you’re struggling to organize something. If you’re hosting a birthday celebration at a restaurant, for example, you could ask your best friend to make the reservation for you, or ask your sibling to pick up the cake on their way there.
Lower your expectations for the day to avoid disappointment. Try to remember that your special day might not happen exactly how you want it to. Being realistic about your expectations and being thankful for any efforts that other people make can lower potential disappointment. A “perfect” birthday is whatever you want it to be, whether it’s having a huge party, eating dinner with family, or going on a quiet walk in the woods. If possible, stay off social media for the day. Constantly checking your feed in hopes that someone will give you a birthday shoutout can take a huge toll on your mental health.
Talk about your feelings with a trusted friend or family member. If you’re feeling down in the weeks or days leading up to your birthday, open up to a loved one and share your thoughts. Expressing your emotions can improve your well-being and help you feel calm before the big day. Chances are, your loved one can relate to what you’re going through and give you a much-needed boost of confidence. If you find it hard to open up and be vulnerable, remember that your loved ones want to support you. You could start by saying something like, “I’m feeling a bit sad about my birthday because I don’t have many people to celebrate with. Have you ever felt this way?”
If you’re grieving, practice self-kindness and compassion. At the end of the day, it’s your birthday and you should do what feels right to you. If you want to ignore the day, that’s okay, especially if your loved one passed away recently. It’s also perfectly fine to organize a celebration or buy yourself something special; it doesn’t mean you care less about the person who died or won’t have other days to remember them. Remember, everyone copes with grief differently, and there’s no proper way to express pain. Try to accept your emotions on your birthday, whether they’re positive or negative. You can cherish the memories you spent with this person by looking at old photos of them, visiting a place they loved, lighting a candle in their honor, or talking to them aloud.
Reasons You May Feel Sad on Your Birthday
Past trauma If you experienced family drama or negative events during your childhood birthdays, these memories may resurface on your big day. Relieving painful and upsetting moments from the past can cause sadness, anger, anxiety, and depression.
Fear of aging Some people view aging as a privilege, but it’s perfectly normal to worry about the physical and mental changes that accompany it. Whether you’re stressed about looking youthful or feel burdened by responsibilities you never had before, the fear of getting older is valid—especially on milestone birthdays like your 30th or 50th.
Not meeting societal expectations Maybe you thought you’d be further in your career, married with kids, or owning a home by a certain age. If you haven’t met certain milestones set by society (or yourself), birthdays can make you feel like you’re “behind” in life, leading to anger, sadness, or disappointment. A mid-life crisis can also cause the “birthday blues.” It’s common for people to experience stress, anxiety, and depression when they’re struggling to find life’s purpose and meaning.
Loneliness or feelings of isolation If you’ve fallen out of touch with friends or aren’t able to celebrate with loved ones, it can make you feel alone on your big day. Similarly, you may feel unappreciated or uncared for if no one shows up to your party or wishes you a happy birthday.
Anxiety or depression While the “birthday blues” can happen to anyone, it may be more common for those with mental health disorders. The increased attention and change in routine around birthdays can be uncomfortable for people with anxiety, while unmet expectations and feelings of loneliness may be heightened for those who have a history of depression.
High expectations of the day It’s normal to feel disappointed if your birthday hopes aren’t fulfilled, especially on milestone birthdays. Perhaps you thought you’d get a specific gift or someone would plan a surprise party for you. When your wishes fail to materialize (or you set unrealistic expectations for the day), it can make you feel disappointed, insecure, irritable, or unloved.
Fear of dying (thanatophobia) For some people, every birthday is a reminder of how quickly time is running out. You might feel like life is flying by, and it can be depressing to know your loved ones won’t be around forever. If you have thanatophobia, your fear of death can impact your daily life and cause physical symptoms, like chills, dizziness, or panic attacks.
Pressure to love your birthday Why aren’t you jumping for joy? How are you celebrating your special day? The pressure to feel happy and enjoy your birthday can be overwhelming, which may end up causing the opposite emotions in you.
Stress around your birthday celebration From making a guestlist to setting up decorations, throwing a birthday party can be incredibly overwhelming. Being bombarded with tasks and decisions can cause stress, anxiety, or dread leading up to your birthday. Alternatively, you may feel stressed about having to attend a birthday party hosted by a loved one, especially if you’re uninterested or dislike large social gatherings.
Grief due to a loved one not being there If you’ve lost a loved one, celebrating your birthday can feel “wrong” on many levels. This is especially true if you’re dealing with survivor’s guilt, or you didn’t get the chance to say what you wanted and get closure before they died.
Birthday Blues vs. Clinical Depression
Clinical depression is a mental health condition, unlike “birthday blues.” While some feelings associated with the “birthday blues” overlap with clinical depression symptoms, birthday depression is temporary and not a medical diagnosis or condition. Clinical depression, on the other hand, is a diagnosable mental health condition that causes a persistently low or depressed mood for 2 weeks or more. Signs and symptoms of clinical depression include: Low energy or fatigue Decreased concentration Thoughts of death or suicide Feeling very sad, empty, or hopeless Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much Feeling worthless or excessively guilty Loss of interest in things and activities that used to bring you joy Slowed speech, decreased movement and impaired cognitive function Increase or decrease in appetite, which may result in weight gain or weight loss
Get professional help if your symptoms last more than 2 weeks. If you continue to experience symptoms of clinical depression or they are severe enough to interfere with your daily life, you might be going through something more than the “birthday blues.” Reach out to a mental health professional or your healthcare provider to receive an accurate diagnosis and possible treatment options. Find a therapist in your area by using the directory at PsychologyToday.com or GoodTherapy.org. Most therapists accept out-of-pocket payments on a sliding scale, but check what your health insurance covers.
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