- A mono-poly relationship involves 1 monogamous partner and 1 polyamorous partner.
- Mono-poly relationships can happen for many reasons, including mismatched libidos or being in a long distance relationship.
- To make a mono-poly dynamic work, set clear boundaries and communicate with your partner often about your comfort levels.
What is a mono-poly relationship?
A mono-poly relationship is when 1 partner is monogamous and 1 partner is polyamorous. The monogamous partner likely only wants to be in a relationship with 1 person, while the polyamorous partner would like to date multiple people. These partnerships are also sometimes called “mixed-orientation relationships.”
Why do people choose mono-poly relationships?
Mismatched sexual desires It’s not uncommon for one partner to have a lower libido than the other, or even be asexual. In that case, the monogamous partner might be totally happy with occasional sex from their partner, while the polyamorous partner with the higher libido seeks out sex from other people. Illnesses or disabilities can also make sexual contact difficult. In this case, the monogamous partner may be unable to have sex (or have sex very often), and will give their polyamorous partner permission to seek it out elsewhere.
Different relationship orientations Sometimes, mono-poly relationships happen by accident. Maybe the couple got together without realizing one was monogamous and one was polyamorous, but still wanted to make things work. Or, maybe the couple started out monogamous, but one partner realized later in life that they’re actually polyamorous.
Long distance relationships When partners can’t spend all their time together, mono-poly relationships may happen naturally. Maybe the partner who stays at home wants to date other people to keep them company while their partner is away. Or, maybe the traveling partner gets lonely, and would like to meet new people wherever they travel.
How to Make Mono-Poly Relationships Work
Talk about boundaries up front. Before starting a mono-poly relationship, sit down with your partner and establish your boundaries. What are you comfortable with? What are you not comfortable with? List those things, then let your partner do the same. For instance, if you’re the monogamous partner, you might be comfortable with your partner sleeping with other people, but uncomfortable with them forming emotional attachments with others. If you’re the polyamorous partner, you might be comfortable telling your partner where you’re going and who you’re with, but uncomfortable with them dictating your schedule or telling you who you can and can’t see.
Communicate with each other often. It’s important to communicate before you dive into the relationship, but it’s just as important to check in with each other throughout it, too. Ask your partner how they feel, then express your own feelings, too. If either one of you feels uncomfortable, work together to find a compromise that’s best for everyone. For instance, maybe you (the monogamous partner) thought you were okay with hearing about your partner’s dates, but now you don’t want to anymore. You might say something like, “Hey, I know I said that I wanted details on what you were doing, but I think I’d like to walk that back. Could you keep the details of your dates private from now on?”
Meet each other’s needs. Just because one partner is seeing other people doesn’t mean the relationship between you two has to fizzle out. Express your needs to your partner, and make sure you’re both making time for each other as often as you can. There’s no rule about how often you two need to spend time together, but many couples find it helpful to plan a weekly date night.
Challenges of a Mono-Poly Relationship
Splitting time between partners Juggling responsibilities can be tough, even when you only have one partner. If you’re the polyamorous partner in the relationship, it can be hard to divide your time equally between your partners. Make sure you check in with your monogamous partner often to ensure you’re both spending enough time together.
Ignoring cultural norms Society often tells us that monogamous relationships are the only way to have relationships. But as you and your partner likely know, this isn’t true! Whether you’re the monogamous partner or the polyamorous partner, there may be moments where you have to reassure yourself that just because it’s not “normal” doesn’t mean it’s wrong. For instance, telling your friends that your partner is out on a date with someone else might elicit gasps of shock. But if you simply explain that your partner is polyamorous, they may be more understanding.
Overcoming insecurities If you’re the monogamous partner in the relationship, it’s natural to feel like you aren’t enough for your partner at some point. It’s important to remember that polyamorous people don’t seek out multiple partners because one “isn’t enough”—oftentimes, it’s because they get so many different things from different partners, and that makes them happy. If you ever feel insecure in your relationship, talk to your partner about it.
Red Flags in a Mono-Poly Relationship
Consent under duress Occasionally, a mono-poly relationship will start out on the wrong foot because the monogamous partner was coerced into consenting to the dynamic. For instance, maybe the polyamorous partner was already dating other people without the other person’s knowledge. When the mono-partner found out, the poly-partner coerced them into becoming mono-poly in order to stay together. This dynamic is unlikely to work out long-term, and can even be a form of emotional abuse. Boundaries need to be set in place up front, and healthy partners need to trust each other 100%.
Pushing boundaries Boundaries help both partners feel safe and comfortable in the relationship. If either partner ignores the other person’s boundaries or doesn’t listen to their concerns, then the mono-poly relationship is likely going to have issues. Lying, or a lack of honesty, not only violates your partner’s boundaries, but it also spells disaster for the relationship.
Time limits Some monogamous partners try to set time limits on their partner’s polyamory—saying things like, “I’m fine with it until we get married,” or, “It’s okay for now, but I’d like to settle down soon.” Time limits like these put pressure on the polyamorous partner, and can lead to tension and frustration as the deadlines get closer. Polyamorous people are unlikely to stop being polyamorous in the future, so asking them to stop can lead to resentment.
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