He gets too intense too soon.
He was in love at first sight and is convinced that you're the one. It takes time to get to know someone and establish trust with them. If he's ready to spend the rest of his life with you within a few days of meeting you, that could be a sign of "love bombing," a tactic narcissists use to create a fairy tale romance. The idea is to sweep you off of your feet so you're not thinking critically or noticing any flaws. What this looks like: He drops the "L" word really early; he tells you that you're special or unique, or that he's never felt this way before; he tells you that the two of you are meant to be together. What you can do: Tell him that while you appreciate his affection, things are moving too fast for you. To stop love bombing, keep the focus on yourself rather than making it seem like he's doing anything wrong. You might say, "I really enjoy spending time with you and I think you're amazing, but I need more time to process my emotions before I can get serious."
He overshares about his life early in the relationship.
He gave you his whole life story on the first or second date. Typically, you're going to wait until you trust someone before you reveal all of the so-called skeletons in your closet. A narcissist doesn't have any skeletons, because he isn't ashamed or embarrassed by anything that's happened in his past. He tells you these things early on to build a false sense of emotional intimacy with you, making you think that he must trust you if he's being this open. What this looks like: He talks about childhood trauma; he reveals past experiences in which he was hurt or ridiculed; he mentions something he was once made fun of for, such as his weight or a physical feature. What you can do: Empathize and try to get him to talk about how the experience made him feel. Let him know that you don't feel comfortable revealing that much about yourself just yet. You might say, "Wow, I really appreciate how open you are. I'm just not there yet—I need some time to get to know you first."
He dominates the conversation.
He constantly talks about himself and you can't get a word in edgewise. With a good conversation, there's plenty of give and take. Not so with a narcissist, who always wants to be the center of attention. Just when you think you've finally found a break where you can say something, he immediately turns things back to himself. What this looks like: He frequently interrupts you or talks over you; he relates anything you say back to himself; he one-ups you when you mention something positive in your life. What you can do: Model active listening to show that you're really engaged. When he interrupts you or cuts you off, say, "Excuse me. I'd like to finish my thought and then I'd be happy to listen to yours."
He's always the star of every story he tells.
He's the most important person involved in anything that happens. All of his stories revolve around himself and he rewrites experiences in his mind so that he's the hero that saved the day. When he's talking about someone else's success, it's always something they never could've done without him. What this looks like: His group project would've failed if not for him; his sports team would've lost if not for his contributions; his friends wouldn't have succeeded without his advice. What you can do: Ask him to tell you about a time when he took a backseat and allowed someone else to shine, or gave credit to someone else instead of taking all the credit himself. Let him know how much you value people who support others.
He's obsessed with success and power.
All of his fantasies revolve around infinite success and control. Not even the sky is the limit for a narcissist. Because he believes that he's better than everybody else, he believes that he has privileges that others don't have. These privileges entitle him to unlimited power and control over everyone else. What this looks like: He drives a luxury car even though he's unemployed; he only hangs out with people who are wealthy or successful; he only wears luxury brands of clothing. What you can do: If you're not particularly materialistic, let him know. You might say, "All of those trappings are pretty meaningless to me. After all, you can't take it with you, right?" Signal that those sorts of things don't impress you very much—you're more interested in who he is on the inside.
He constantly violates rules and social norms.
He believes he is above others and the rules don't apply to him. Narcissists don't care about how others might benefit from order and predictability in social encounters. If your boyfriend is narcissistic, he thinks he's special. He thinks nothing of breaking a rule if it's keeping him from doing something he wants to do. What this looks like: He speeds or drives aggressively; he cuts in line; he tosses his trash on the ground rather than looking for a trash can. What you can do: Tell him that this behavior makes you uncomfortable and you won't tolerate it. Keep the focus on you and your feelings. For example, you might say, "I get anxious when you drive so aggressively. Would you mind slowing down a little when I'm in the car with you?"
He requires instant responses from you.
He doesn't think you should have a life apart from him. Maintaining your individual interests is a big part of building a healthy relationship, but if your boyfriend is a narcissist, he wants your life to revolve around him. Narcissists have a huge sense of entitlement and he thinks he's entitled to you! In his mind, you're just sitting there waiting for him to text you and you should respond immediately. What this looks like: He blows up your phone if you don't answer his texts or calls immediately; he ignores you when you do respond because you took too long; he gets angry at you if you don't answer his calls. What you can do: Set healthy boundaries around when you're available. For example, you might tell him that you can't respond to his texts when you're at work, or that you won't stay up past 10 p.m. talking to him.
He ignores your personal boundaries.
Because he's special and superior, your boundaries don't apply to him. When a narcissistic boyfriend wants to do something, it doesn't matter to him if you've told him you'd prefer something different. Just like with the rules of society, if your personal rules are getting in his way, he has no problem violating them. What this looks like: He pressures you to be physically affectionate after you've said no; he calls you late at night after you've told him you need to sleep; he constantly shows up late even after you've told him you hate waiting for him. What you can do: Enforce your boundaries by using an "I" statement and keeping the focus on you. For example, you might say, "I don't know if you forgot, but I told you I'm not available after 9 p.m. Please stop calling me after that time."
He demands constant admiration.
Most people like compliments, but a narcissist needs them all the time. If your boyfriend is a narcissist, he needs you to tell him how great he is all of the time. It's not enough for you to compliment him occasionally when he actually does something great—he expects to be admired even for mundane things. What this looks like: He brags about his accomplishments; he exaggerates things he said or did to make them more admirable; he points out new clothes or possessions so you'll compliment them. What you can do: You can refrain from giving him the compliments and admiration that he needs. However, keep in mind that he will likely respond with rage if he doesn't feel like he's getting the attention he deserves.
He thinks he's always right about everything.
He'll never admit that he was even a little wrong about anything. A narcissist believes he's the most important, and therefore whatever he says goes. If someone disagrees with him, they're the one who's wrong—not him. If you get in a fight, he won't back down on his stance, even if you have evidence that he's not right. What this looks like: He doubles down when presented with evidence that he's wrong; he shifts blame to someone else; he brings up other things that you've done wrong. What you can do: Refuse to take the bait when he brings up other things. Stay focused on the topic at hand. You might say, "I want to stay focused on this one thing right now. We can talk about that later if you want." If things get heated, tell him you need to take a break and walk away. Return when you're calmer.
He gets extremely irritated by small issues.
He can't regulate his emotions and gets angry easily. Narcissists tend to be perfectionists as well, so if the tiniest little thing goes wrong, everything is ruined. This all-or-nothing way of thinking means the slightest setback can send him into a rage. What this looks like: He starts yelling and throwing things if his food delivery is 5 minutes late; he frequently has road rage; he throws away a shirt that has a small stain on it. What you can do: Validate his feelings to help keep him from over-reacting. For example, you might say, "I understand that you feel really angry about that. Anyone in your situation would be upset." Try to get him to identify and control the emotion.
He never apologizes.
Narcissists don't have the empathy to understand how others feel. On a basic level, a narcissist doesn't believe he's ever wrong, so there's never anything for him to apologize for. But beyond that, he's unable (or unwilling) to put himself in someone else's shoes. Because of that, he doesn't understand the impact his words or actions have on others. What this looks like: He blames someone else rather than taking responsibility for something he did wrong; he tells you that you're just overly sensitive and he doesn't owe you an apology; he gives a fake apology, such as "I'm sorry if you were hurt." What you can do: To truly feel sorry, someone needs to empathize with the person who was hurt—something narcissists are either unable or unwilling to do. Try reflective listening by telling him how you felt and having him repeat the statement back to you. For example, you might say, "I was really frightened when you started aggressively weaving through traffic."
He demands absolute perfection.
He believes he is 100% perfect and expects everything else to be the same. Beyond his expectations, he believes he's entitled to perfection—all the time. If something doesn't meet his standards, he considers it a personal insult. Microscopic flaws are therefore just as important as major defects because they both lead to the same result, imperfection. What this looks like: He criticizes you for the slightest mistake; he throws away useful things if they get damaged in any way; he sends back food at restaurants unless it perfectly meets his specifications. What you can do: If he criticizes you, try not to take it personally. You might say, "I understand you believe I could've done better, but I'm proud of the progress I've made."
He brags about taking advantage of others.
He feels no shame about exploiting others for his own gain. In the mind of narcissists, other people exist for them to use as they see fit. Their value lies in being a means to an end—and that end is whatever the narcissist wants. If someone is no longer useful to a narcissist, he thinks nothing of discarding them as though they no longer exist. What this looks like: He jokes about cheating at poker; he boasts about tricking someone into giving up their seat on a plane; he brags about cutting in line. What you can do: Ask him if he can imagine how he would feel if he were in the other person's position. Get him to think about their feelings and say them out loud. Focus on the other people involved, not him.
He doesn't have any empathy for you or others.
Other people's points of view don't matter to him at all. Because his opinion or point of view is the only one that matters to him, he gets a sort of tunnel vision. He's incapable of understanding any thought or opinion that differs from his own. In his mind, everyone should think and feel the same way he does—and if they don't, well, they're just wrong. What this looks like: He believes stereotypes about people who are a different race or ethnicity than he is; he insults or laughs at people who are disabled or underprivileged; he only recognizes someone's value if they're useful to him What you can do: Ask him where he heard a stereotype or how he knows it's true; get him to explain an insulting joke as though you don't understand it; rephrase something he says in a more acceptable way and repeat it back to him.
He picks on you constantly.
He belittles you to erode your self-esteem. What started as a flood of compliments turns into a trickle of back-handed compliments, which eventually evolves into straight-up insults. The more he pokes holes in your confidence, the more dependent you'll become on him—for the compliments and validation that he give you initially. What starts small can eventually become a never-ending barrage of criticism, to the point that you think you can't do anything right. What this looks like: He tells you that your outfit isn't flattering; he asks when you last worked out and says that you're starting to get chubby; he finds fault with the way you wash dishes or vacuum the carpet. What you can do: As with many things the narcissist does, you have to try not to take these criticisms personally. Remind yourself that no matter what you do, it's probably never going to be good enough. Lean on your friends and family members for support and reinforcement.
He doesn't support you.
A narcissist never takes a backseat to anyone else. He might expect you to be successful, but he's not going to do anything to help you get there. If it's your turn to have a moment in the spotlight, you're likely to get jealousy and resentment from him. He'll tell you all the things that you did wrong rather than encouraging you. What this looks like: He doesn't show up to cheer you on when you're playing on a community sports team; he's not willing to run through flashcards with you before an important exam or presentation; he's not interested in helping you practice before a huge interview. What you can do: If your boyfriend is truly a narcissist, you're probably never going to get this kind of support from him. You have to ask yourself if this is something you need in a romantic partner. If it's not, consider getting it from other friends and family members rather than trying to get it from him.
He gives you the silent treatment.
He ignores you when you're not giving him what he wants. On the one hand, if you're not giving him what he wants, you're not useful to him, so he sees no point in wasting his attention on you. On the other hand, he hopes that you'll beg for the attention he's depriving you of, which he'll find flattering. He wants to believe that you need attention from him, just as he needs attention from you. What this looks like: He doesn't respond to your texts after you took too long to respond to one of his; he leaves after a fight and you don't hear from him for the rest of the night; he ignores you at a party because you accepted a drink from a friend who he thought was hitting on you. What you can do: You might send him a text that says something like, "I understand you're having some intense feelings right now and probably need some time to process. I'm here when you're ready to talk." Then, just leave him alone. This sends him the message that the silent treatment won't work to manipulate you.
He gaslights you.
He lives in his own fantasy world and wants you to live there too. If your perspective of an event differs from his, he'll try to convince you that your perspective isn't correct. When your feelings don't match up with his, he invalidates your feelings or tells you that you're too sensitive. What this looks like: He insists that you're wrong when you have proof that you're right; he tells you that you're crazy or that you're remembering things wrong; he claims that you must be confused or you misunderstood what happened. What you can do: To respond to gaslighting, you might say something like, "I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree" and then drop the topic. If you find yourself starting to question your own thoughts and feelings, talk to trusted friends or family members who can validate your perspective.
He lashes out if you talk about leaving.
A narcissist believes you belong with him as long as he wants you. The end of a relationship is never easy for anyone, but if your boyfriend truly cares about you, he'll respect your decision. A narcissist, on the other hand, believes he's entitled to have you in his life. The second you mention that the relationship isn't working out for you, he gets angry. In his mind, you don't have the right to keep yourself away from him as long as he wants you. What this looks like: He tells you that you can't leave; he insists that the two of you are meant to be together; he claims that your life will be terrible if you leave him. What you can do: Personalize your statements as much as you can. Use a lot of "I" statements and emphasize that the relationship isn't working for you and isn't making you happy. Say, "I'm not happy in this relationship," or "I don't feel comfortable in this relationship anymore."
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