Recognize his signs of feeling stressed out.
Give yourself a better idea of his stress severity and frequency. Sure, in an ideal world your boyfriend will tell you directly when he feels stressed out and give his best explanation of what’s causing it. In the real world, though, there’s a good chance your boyfriend isn’t quite that open to sharing. In that case, watch out for signs (like the following) that he’s experiencing stress: Increased moodiness, irritability, or sadness. Unexplained aches and pains. Muscle tension. Trouble sleeping. Headaches or dizziness. Upset stomach or indigestion. Sexual problems. An increase in problem habits like overeating, smoking, gambling, alcohol consumption, or drug use.
Figure out the causes of his stress.
Use his signs of stress to help you identify his stressors. Since your boyfriend might be unwilling (or even unable) to tell you what’s causing his stress, work to connect the dots yourself. When you see his stress symptoms crop up, link them to the stuff happening in his life at the time. Once you can identify his signs of stress and his stressors, you can get to work helping to manage his stress. If he’s most stressed after he gets home from work, right before football practice, or after talking to his parents, those are probably his current stress triggers. This is when you might realize that you are one of his stress triggers. If so, don’t panic and don’t be too hard on yourself! Instead, keep your focus on what you can do to reduce the stress environment for both of you. Every guy is different, of course, but guys in general most often feel stress about work, money, family issues, and—you guessed it—relationships. Some people simply lack emotional vocabulary and get overwhelmed, having a hard time articulating what they're feeling. If that's the case, maybe you can work with your boyfriend so he can better understand this stress. If you are somehow causing the stress and know the reason behind it, take a time out and remove yourself from the situation. If possible, replace the negative behavior with an act of kindness. Commit to be more aware and to change stressing behaviors in the future. Clearly speak that your intentions are not to stress out your partner.
Do little things to make his day less stressful.
Quick bursts of stress relief through the day can make a big difference. If he keeps getting stressed at work, for instance, put a note in his bag with an encouraging message. Give him a shoulder massage after he gets home to relieve muscle tension. Rent his favorite movie and order his favorite takeout. Or do all of these! If he’s stressed out by life’s hectic pace in general, invite him to experience nature or attend a meditation class with you. Offer him comfort, kindness, love and compassion. If he gets stressed after every visit with his parents, schedule some fun, relaxing activities that he really enjoys both before and after he visits with them.
Listen to what he has to say without judging him.
Validate his feelings by giving him your full attention. Guys are often less-than-eager to talk about their feelings, including their stress. So, if and when your boyfriend does want to talk, make sure you listen with empathy and without interrupting. Even if he’s admitting that you’re causing some of his stress, hear him out instead of getting defensive. Even when he’s not talking about stress, make a point of being a good listener. Improving communication skills is a great way to strengthen a relationship—and that can be a definite stress-reducer.
Ask him questions and share your own feelings.
Use “I” statements about yourself and ask “you” questions to him. Especially if your boyfriend isn’t eager to talk about his stressful feelings, use empathetic questions to encourage him to open up. As part of the conversation, share your own feelings with “I” statements that can prevent him from feeling like you’re complaining or blaming him. For example, instead of saying, “You scare me when you smack the table like that,” try, “I get worried when I see how the stress of all your schoolwork causes an angry response.” Follow up with a question like, “Do you feel like we could change our evening schedule to enhance your work time?”
Talk about the present and future of your relationship.
Yes, (most) guys do like to know where a relationship is headed. It’s a myth that all men get “cold feet” just thinking about—let alone talking about—the future of a relationship. The key is to be open and honest about where things stand now, and where you anticipate them going. Healthy communication helps put you both on the same page and avoid unnecessary stress. Don’t rush into talking about the future, or start talking about your plans for a dream wedding after a month of dating. That really might give him cold feet! Instead, make time to have regular “status update” chats during which you can both speak freely about whatever is on your mind.
Don’t ignore or exaggerate your disagreements.
Treat them as opportunities for growth as a couple and individually. Don’t seek out conflict with your boyfriend—that’ll definitely stress him out! Accept that conflicts will inevitably happen. When they do happen, focus on solving the problem together instead of letting it drag on or get worse. Keep using your “I” statements and “you” questions as you talk over the issue. Say, for example, you disagree on where to go to dinner. Don’t refuse to engage and just not go anywhere, and don’t turn it into a big fight over how he always has to get his way. Instead, talk about the pros and cons of different options and consider setting up a fair system for taking turns deciding where to go.
Manage your anger and your choice of words.
Be respectful even when you’re upset with him. Even the best boyfriend will sometimes really annoy you or make you angry. It’s tempting to release that anger by lashing out with hurtful words—but you won’t feel any better and your boyfriend will definitely feel more stressed out. After all, think about the stress you’ve felt when someone you care about (hopefully not your current boyfriend) has said hurtful things to you. Work on managing your anger with strategies like deep breathing and visualization techniques. Mindfulness meditation is a great idea as well. Instead of saying something more hurtful like “You must not care about me since you always let me sit here waiting to hear from you,” use an “I” statement like “I feel worried and neglected when you go all night without even a quick check-in.”
Find common ground instead of competing to be right.
Aiming for compromise creates a healthier, less stressful relationship. If your boyfriend feels like you treat every difference of opinion as a battle that can only be either won or lost, he’ll definitely feel more stressed about things. Like good communication, compromise is essential to a healthy relationship. Instead of making it about getting your way or letting him have his way, make it about finding the way that works best for both of you. For example, for Halloween, maybe he wants to go to Joe’s party and you want to go to Emily’s party. Maybe you can agree to spend some time at each party—or just go to Sam’s party instead!
Let him have some independence in his life.
Don’t make your boyfriend feel like he’s under 24/7 surveillance. Sure, your guy should check in here and there so you know what’s going on, but don’t stress him out by trying to monitor his every move. Even though you’re a couple, he—just like you—deserves some space to “do his own thing” alone or with his friends and family. A healthy relationship always allows for some “me time” for each person.
Loosen the control you’re trying to have on the relationship.
Stress can make you hold on more tightly, causing more stress. If you’re worried about the relationship—where it’s headed, if it has a future, and so on—you may try to take total control of it to get things on track. However, you can’t “force” a relationship to be or go a certain way, and trying to do so will only create more stress for both of you. Instead, work together to “guide” the relationship along a positive path. How? Start by communicating openly, honestly, and frequently about your feelings. It’s amazing how helpful that can be!
Focus on the reality—not fantasy—of your relationship.
Stop stressing over all the ways your relationship isn’t perfect. No relationship, even the longest, happiest marriage, fits the “happily ever after” fairy-tale ideal. While you absolutely should work together to make your relationship as great as possible, don’t allow an impossible quest for perfection get you so stressed out that you miss out on all the good things you have together. This doesn’t mean you should settle for an unsatisfying or unhealthy relationship because “it could be worse.” If the stress is there because the relationship is genuinely bad for you, prioritize your own wellbeing and consider ending things if necessary.
Practice self-care and manage your own stress.
If you’re always stressed out, he’ll feel stressed out too. Your boyfriend wants you to be happy, so he’ll put pressure on himself to find ways to reduce your stress. A lot of that stress-busting work needs to be done by you, for you. Try self-care and stress reduction activities like the following: Eating healthy and getting regular exercise. Establishing a healthy sleep routine. Doing yoga, meditation, or light exercise. Listening to calming music or reading a relaxing book. Taking a soothing bath or getting a massage. Journaling or talking about your feelings. Learning to say “no” when you’re overburdened. Setting realistic expectations for what you can accomplish.
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