Assume they have a good reason.
As personal as it may feel, people decline invites for all kinds of reasons. If they simply let you know that they aren’t coming to your wedding or they declined to RSVP, you may feel the urge to ask, “Why?” As hurt as you may be, recognize that people decline invites for all sorts of important reasons. They may have other plans on the book they can’t cancel. Maybe they already paid for a European vacation with their family, or they have a work trip they can’t cancel. If they don’t live near you, they may not be able to take enough time off of work to travel out for the wedding. Maybe there’s a health concern. For example, if they’re immunocompromised they likely won’t want to be around other people during the COVID pandemic. They might have financial issues. This can be a huge deal if you’re having a destination wedding or they can’t afford a gift for you right now.
Accept their reason if they give you one.
If they tell you why they can’t come, don’t read too much into it. If they include a note in their response explaining why they can’t make it, you may feel like it isn’t a good enough reason. It’s natural to feel that way, especially since your wedding matters so much to you. Part of you may even think they’re being dishonest. Try to respect their response and don’t hold it against them. It sounds a little harsh, but they don’t owe you a reason to begin with. People are allowed to attend or not attend things as they see fit. Even if you think their reason is invalid, try to take it in stride.
Thank them for letting you know.
Even if you’re a little hurt, tell them you appreciate the heads up. You know what’s worse than someone telling you they aren’t coming? Someone not telling you. The fact that they’re letting you know they can’t make it a sign of respect and love (even if it stings a bit in the moment), so thank them for the letting you know. You might say, “Aw, that’s a bummer, but I understand. Thank you for giving me a heads up,” or, “I appreciate you telling me ahead of time. I’m sorry you can’t make it!” If they just declined on your e-vite but they didn’t say anything to you, don’t reach out to them to thank them. It’s probably just coming to come across as passive-aggressive if you do that.
Tell them you’ll miss them.
After you thank them, include a note that they’ll be missed. This signals that you’re not mad at them, and it’s probably a good move if you want to stay on good terms with them in the future. Even if you’re a little hurt right now, just remember that they aren’t telling you they can’t come to make you feel bad (it’s actually the opposite). Try not to hold it against them and show them a little love. You might say, “Your presence will be sorely missed. I’ll be sure to have a drink for you at the reception,” or, “I really wish you could be there, but I know stuff happens. I’ll be thinking of you!”
Try to let it go if you two aren’t super close.
If they aren’t a key person in your life, don’t push it further. A quick note thanking them and telling them that they’ll be missed is all you should do if this isn’t someone super important to you. They’ve already told you they can’t make it, and it might be inappropriate to probe any deeper. Don’t let your visceral emotional response get the better of you.
Feel free to ask why if they’re a close friend or family.
If they didn’t give you a reason but you’re close, you can probe a bit. It’s generally considered bad etiquette to ask why someone declined an invitation, but it’s okay if you have a close relationship with someone and the two of you have the kind of rapport where you can be open with one another. Call or reach out to them and be honest about how you feel. You might say: “Aw, that’s really disappointing. I was really hoping you’d be able to be there. Do you mind if I ask why you can’t make it?” “Is there something I did that’s making you not want to come? You’re one of my best friends and I was really hoping you’d be there.”
Be upfront about your feelings if you’re hurt.
If you need to say your piece, honesty is the best policy. It’s totally normal for something like this to keep you up at night if it’s eating away at you, and telling them how you feel is a reasonable thing to do. Just remember to let up if they don’t share more about why they aren’t coming or they aren’t sympathetic. You could tell them: “This kind of hurts. I know it’s totally unfair of me to ask, but I really want you there if you can make it.” “I know we haven’t seen one another in a while, but it’s really going to suck if you can’t make my wedding. Can you please come?”
Consider negotiating if it’s a practical issue.
Flexing on some of your requirements may enable them to come. If there’s a very straightforward roadblock to their attendance, consider making an exception for them. For example, if they can’t get a babysitter, you might allow them to bring their child. If they have to catch a flight that night, tell them it’s okay to just attend the ceremony and leave. They may change their mind if you’re flexible and can offer a compromise. Try to frame the idea as a potential option, not as an absolute solution. For example, “Oh, well if you just want a +1, you can have one. Problem solved!” can come off as presumptuous. Instead, you might say, “I totally understand that you wouldn’t know anyone there and that would be scary. Would it help if I gave you a +1?”
Let it go if they’re not budging.
Unfortunately, you can’t control whether they change their mind. As hurtful as it is for someone you care about to not come to your wedding, the reality is that you don’t have much recourse. Try to put it out of your mind and focus on the guests who will be there. If the declining guest is going to miss your wedding, that’s their loss. It helps to remember that they could have just totally ghosted you on your wedding day, or made up some lie about an emergency keeping them from making it. They’re trying to do a kind thing by telling you ahead of time, even if it doesn’t feel that way now.
Focus on the bigger picture.
In the grand scheme of things, you won’t remember one missing guest. Take a deep breath and keep things in perspective here. You get to marry someone you love, and it’s going to be a beautiful event. Think of all the people who will be there. You’re going to have an incredible wedding, so don’t let one missing guest get you too down.
Accept that it’s okay to be a little hurt.
It’s totally natural to be upset that someone won’t be there. A declined invitation can feel like a punch to the gut, and it’s super reasonable that this is bothering you. This is one of those things that you don’t have much control over, but that doesn’t mean it can’t hurt. Talk it out with your soon-to-be spouse, vent, cry it out, do whatever you feel like you to do to feel better.
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