How to Recover when Your Girlfriend Gets Married to Another Guy

Dealing with the Shock

Keep your distance. You may feel surprised and hurt when you hear the news. Though it may feel almost impossible not to contact her immediately, hold yourself back from doing so. She made a decision that was hers to make, despite the fact it may pain you immensely. Resist the urge to text. If you can't stop thinking about things you want to say, reach out to a close friend with whom you can talk. Or, try writing them down. Unfollow, unfriend, and otherwise avoid interacting with her on social media. Do not allow yourself to even view her social media profiles. If you catch yourself doing so, don't become frustrated with yourself; simply stop and do something else.

Avoid overreacting. Even in a scenario where you were egregiously mistreated, do not do anything motivated by a desire for vengeance. While it goes without saying that you should not do anything dangerous or illegal, you should also avoid saying or doing anything disrespectful. In particular, do not repeatedly contact her to question her righteousness or morality. When you're feeling betrayed you will likely catch yourself thinking one-dimensionally in terms of who is in the wrong. Do not allow your initial thoughts and feelings to guide your behavior. Avoid making a scene or acting hysterical. This may mean avoiding your ex if seeing her will lead to strong emotional responses. If you're struggling to keep it together, commit to a regular daily routine. Structure and repetitiveness are comforting, especially when you may be stressed. Avoid using alcohol or drugs to cope. Not only are these unhealthy behaviors, they may lead you to behave in ways that you will regret. Instead, try calming yourself with deep breathing, meditation, going for a run, or doing anything else that helps you center yourself.

Remind yourself that the worst is over. Again, this won't immediately remove the pain that you're feeling; however, it may help you start to get in the mindset that will be necessary to move on. You've endured some potentially traumatizing news, and getting through it will allow you to better face hard realizations moving forward. If a more blunt approach works better for you, remind yourself that you do not have a choice in the matter. You must move on, and you know you will eventually, even if it may not feel possible in this moment. Take pride in moments of resilience. When you think of her all of a sudden after not thinking of her a while, congratulate yourself for starting to move on, whether it feels like you've been able to do so or not.

Find a support system. Though it may seem like a strong word, your experience will likely cause you to experience grief. Grieving is a process, during which you may need extra support from other people. Reach out to close friends or family members, especially those that have gone through a painful separation themselves. Focus on spending time with people who excite you. Positive people who are good at listening are the best type to help you heal. Further, make sure you're around those you can speak with honestly without worrying about judgment or criticism. Find new friends! In the course of dating, many people see their social networks shrink. This may be even worse if you shared in most of your friendships with your girlfriend. Don't hesitate to reach out to those who interest you, and make plans to do something simple and see if you hit it off. Don't hesitate to ask for help explicitly. Say something along the lines of, "Hey, can I tell you about some of the thoughts I've been having? I think it'll help to get them off my chest, and I'd appreciate your advice."

Moving On with Your Own Life

Recognize that it wasn't meant to be. One of the harder parts of any separation with a romantic partner is letting go. Even when the other person has moved on, you may find yourself imagining a whole slew of “what if” scenarios; however, remind yourself that there are likely also many reasons that it didn't work out. Reflect on how you felt when you were dating. Often, we look back on past relationships through rose-colored glasses. You may have even been questioning the relationship yourself. Accept that she has moved on. You may have been holding out hope that things would work out between the two of you and you might have another shot at love with your ex. It may be painful to let go of that dream, but you can take her marriage as a definitive answer to any of your lingering questions: your romantic relationship is over. Even if you weren't convinced it was meant to be, it still hurts to be the one who is left behind. Remind yourself, however, that you're likely feeling drawn to her in part because of her sudden increased distance.

Follow your interests. Everyone always has a list of things they want to spend more time on, try out, or grow more familiar with. Choose one or two activities you want to try or do more frequently. For instance, start hitting the gym three times a week instead of just once. Alternatively, pick up a new hobby altogether. Try to choose something active and something creative. You can interpret these as broadly as you wish. The point is, staying active will literally help your body and mind feel better, and having a creative outlet can provide a powerful way to express your emotions. For example, yoga or guided meditation can not only make you feel great, it will also likely lead you to meet new people. Simple, weekly activities can open up door to whole new friend groups and lifestyles! Maybe you've always wanted to play guitar. Here's your chance! You can probably even find people to learn and practice with by contacting local music stores or searching online.

Plan something you can look forward to. The classic example is a vacation. Start and email or group text thread with a group of your friends and pitch some ideas for a weekend trip. Choose somewhere relatively nearby so it will be easier and less expensive for people to commit. Pick a weekend a month or so ahead of time. This ensures you and others can prepare for the trip, and will give you something to look forward to for the next month! If you can't escape for a trip, make plans to have friends over next weekend, just to hang out. There's nothing like a video game marathon to distract you for a while and help you relax.

Find new priorities. Sometimes a rude awakening can be exactly what we need. Use your new found freedom to refocus on your goals. When you catch yourself thinking about her, distract yourself immediately. Choose a goal you want to achieve, and whenever she comes to mind, think of something you can do to help achieve that goal and get to work. If you're looking for a new goal, consider meeting someone new. Instead of just waiting to meet someone, start introducing yourself to people you're attracted to more frequently. This may be especially easy at events that have to do with something you enjoy.

Start dating someone new. Some of the scarier aspects of enduring a romantic partner marrying someone else are the different forms of self-doubt that will inevitably arise. You may find yourself questioning your ability to trust someone again, or to maintain a romantic relationship. Nip these doubts in the bud by dating someone else. Take advantage of your new found freedom! This doesn't mean you have to jump into anything serious. In fact, you shouldn't. That said, you should definitely introduce yourself to that cute barista you're always happy to see. If you are feeling betrayed and find it difficult to trust enough to start dating, take some time to work on coping with your emotions and learning to trust again.

Coping with Your Emotions

Allow yourself to grieve. Grief is an entirely natural reaction to loss, especially the loss of someone we care deeply about. Not only companionship, but potentially even shared goals for the future are all suddenly lost. Feeling the pain of these losses in a necessary part of letting go something. Accordingly, the resentment, sadness, relief, fear, and confusion you may feel are actually necessary parts of your recovery. Share how you're feeling. Whether with friends or a therapist, it will help to talk about what you're going through. Keep a journal. Writing your thoughts is an extremely effective way to help release emotions and center yourself. Know that the pain will subside. Though you may feel deeply saddened, your heart and mind will eventually begin to move on. If you don't notice your mood and emotions improving after a while, set up a time to meet with someone who is trained to talk with you about your mental health.

Learn to trust again. The circumstances of your ex getting married to someone else may leave you feeling shocked and betrayed. You may wonder if you can ever trust anyone again and be reluctant to open yourself up to another relationship. There is work you can do with a therapist or on your own that can help you heal and be willing to trust someone in the future. Work with a therapist to learn to separate your fears related to this betrayal from future relationships. You can explore what suggests a potential partner is someone you can trust — such as repeatedly following through on their promises and how they react when you allow yourself to be vulnerable. Notice if the person takes responsibility for their mistakes and if they seem invested in understanding your wants, needs, and well-being. Becoming distrustful after a betrayal limits your social connections with others and may cause you to miss out on other potentially fulfilling relationships.

Process negative thoughts. You may feel some pretty heavy emotions for a while. You may even feel used, shamed, or betrayed. Many people enduring an unexpected separation feel inadequate, or even expendable. You may even start to feel less interesting, or less attractive. You may feel betrayed, shocked, and angry. These negative thoughts are normal under the circumstances — try to avoid stuffing them down and not addressing them. Processing these emotions may be difficult, but working through your feelings will help you move on and start feeling better about yourself. First, allow yourself to sit with your emotions and identify what you're feeling. Instead of distracting yourself from what you're feeling, ask yourself: What feelings or sensations do I have? What thoughts am I having? What am I feeling in my body (tight chest, upset stomach, headache, etc.)? Do I have any judgements toward what I'm feeling? Do I have the urge to fight those feelings? Allow yourself to feel your emotions. Though it might be painful, remember this — your emotions are not going to kill you. Breathe through the feeling and ask yourself: What do I think will happen if I sit with this emotion? Is it really intolerable? How can I make it more tolerable (deep breathing, meditating, relaxing, etc.)? Address the emotions. Acknowledge that you are likely feeling these emotions as a direct result of your former girlfriend getting married — you may feel unlovable, but it's not because that is true, it's because you are reacting to a painful experience. Teach yourself how to challenge negative thoughts by reframing them and using evidence to refute them. For instance, maybe you keep thinking you will never meet another woman. Write down all the evidence that shows this isn't true — You met other women you liked and even loved before you met her; going to a coffee shop and looking around, you see dozens of women who look interesting and attractive; there are billions of people on the planet, and chances are pretty good at least one of them is someone you would like to date.

Focus on your newfound freedom. Somewhere buried within the moments of emotional distress are occasional whispers of relief. You no longer have to wonder about a relationship that you may have been unsure of yourself. Either way, she's moved on, and this may enable or motivate you to do so as well. Further, people often don't recognize unhealthy relationships until they're no longer in one. Remember that recurring issue you two could never work out? Well, now you don't have to.

Be honest with yourself. You've been trying to push away all the inadvertent emotions and persistent feelings of loneliness and abandonment. Sometimes, you can distract yourself, or even convince yourself to put a positive spin on everything. But sometimes, the negativity seems to just grab onto your brain and hold it in a vice grip. This is entirely natural — feelings are feelings, and they come up when you least expect it. Even if the scenario wasn't outrageous, and you and your ex have mostly parted ways on good terms, the fact that she's potentially happier with someone else won't stay out of your mind. Understandably, this bums you out. This is natural, and it's okay to feel bummed out about it — in fact, it healthier to allow yourself to feel that instead of pushing it away or pretending everything is fine. Go through the steps of processing the emotion and take an action that will help you feel better, like talk to a friend or shooting some hoops. Watch out for worsening or recurring negativity. If you're suffering most of the time, consider meeting with a therapist.

See a mental health professional. The pain of separation is in many ways biologically significant. People are programmed to have strong feelings of attachment to those they are romantically involved with. This, in part, explains the potency of love. When an ex publicly declares her love for another, it's going to hurt. Consider meeting with a therapist if you can't move on, or if you start to have any thoughts that persistently bother you. Therapists have talked to all sorts of people about all sorts of relationships, and will know how to help you address certain types of thoughts as they arise. A therapist can also help you start to conceptualize your life in more healthy, forward-thinking, and happiness-inducing ways.