- Empathic narcissists are able to read and detect how other people are feeling, but they use those emotions to achieve their own goals or gain control over someone.
- Common signs of empathic narcissists are acting caring in order to get something they want, quickly changing between emotions, and feeling superior to other people.
- Handle conversations with an empathic narcissist by focusing on objective facts and avoiding getting defensive in unimportant arguments.
What is empathic narcissism?
An empathic narcissist is able to understand and comprehend another person’s emotions but uses them for self-serving behaviors. They may seem like they’re able to sympathize and build connections, but it’s normally done to feel like they’re in control or to achieve a goal of their own rather than showing genuine care. Someone who’s an empathic narcissist may also push their real emotions down because they don’t want to feel vulnerable in front of other people. Real empaths can relate to how someone is feeling and will show genuine care towards others. While empathic narcissists can detect how someone is feeling, they are not genuine empaths because they usually focus on themselves.
Traits of an Empathic Narcissist
They may act kind and caring to get what they want. An empathetic narcissist understands how people think and feel, and they may try to manipulate those emotions for their own gain. If they want something specific from you, like dressing a certain way, doing a chore they don’t want to, or getting your attention, they may say or do something nice as a way to show their control over you. Example: An empathic narcissist may say, “I like when you do your hair like that,” and it may escalate into them telling you that you should only do your hair in a certain way they prefer.
They may quickly shift between emotions. Empathic narcissists can jump from negative feelings where they feel extremely upset to emotional highs where they feel superior to others. If they don’t feel like they’re being noticed, an empathic narcissist may have an outburst but then try to win you over with false flattery or friendliness. Example: A partner who is an empathic narcissist may act flirty and intimate around you, but if you don’t respond how they want, they may get angry with you and close themselves off.
They may have trouble handling criticism. When an empathetic narcissist receives negative criticism, they may get combative or defensive so they don’t feel humiliated or mocked by someone else. Even if they know they did something wrong, they may struggle with keeping their cool in the moment. Example: If you give a coworker with narcissistic behaviors notes on a work project, they may make a backhanded comment about putting in more effort than you.
They may feel entitled or superior to others. An empathic narcissist tends to think they should get whatever they want and that they’re better than other people. They may feel like they deserve more attention or recognition than others, and tend to let people go if they don’t get what they want. Empathic narcissists may feel this even more because they can sense your emotions but hide their own. Example: A person who has narcissistic behaviors may not give their partner support during a tough time, but will expect that you take care of them if something goes wrong in their life.
They may minimize your feelings. Even though an empathic narcissist can sense how you’re feeling, they will usually prioritize their own emotions over yours. You may tell them that you’re distressed or worried, and they may downplay what happened. Example: If you tell an empathic narcissist that they upset you, they may say something like, “I did that before and you didn’t care,” or, “Relax, it’s not that big of a deal.”
They may love-bomb you. Love-bombing is when a narcissist gives you grand gestures of their love or affection in order to win you over. They may give you flattering compliments or buy you gifts as a way to build your trust. However, they may covertly be using it as a subtle way to show how they have control over you. Example: One way to identify a narcissist who’s love-bombing is if they try to push the relationship to move too fast, or if they try doing too much too early on.
They may disrespect your boundaries. Because narcissists tend to see themselves as the most important person, they may ignore boundaries they don’t agree with. Empathic narcissists may feel like they’re entitled to know things about you or get into your personal space, so they may test the boundaries you set for them. Example: A narcissistic parent may come into your bedroom without asking first if they feel like they have something important to say to you. If a narcissist isn’t reprimanded for breaking a boundary, then they may not take it seriously and continue pushing against it.
They may make sacrifices to gain sympathy from others. Narcissists may pretend to play the martyr, meaning they may lie about what they believe in or things they’ve done to make themselves seem like a better person. They may also be giving up something they want to do for someone in order to hold it over that person’s head. By doing these grand gestures, they may try making the person feel guilty for asking so much from them. Example: An empathic narcissist may sacrifice a night out to spend time with their partner, but then guilt their partner by saying how much they miss their friends.
They may be quick to blame others and play the victim. When something doesn’t go how a narcissist planned, they may not take accountability for their actions. They could be quick to rationalize their behavior or shift the blame onto another person. Because they don’t want to be accountable for their actions, an empathic narcissist may act like they’re the victim and they’ve been wronged in some way. Example: A coworker with empathic narcissism may blame a lack of time or being held up by another employee if they aren’t able to complete a project by the due date.
They may get defensive if they feel challenged. Empathic narcissists tend to think they’re right in most arguments, and they may get defensive if you disagree with them. They may get really upset if they think their image or self-esteem is being questioned, and they could get frustrated if you point out anything they’re already sensitive about. Example: If you stand up and question the decision of a parent with narcissistic behaviors, they may quickly raise their voice or ignore what you’re saying to assert that they’re right.
Coping with an Empathic Narcissist
Focus on objective facts in conversations. Because empathic narcissists can read and play off your emotions, try to mainly focus on the facts instead of how you’re feeling. Stating what happened objectively prevents a narcissist from potentially twisting your words against you and can help reach a resolution. Example: When you’re talking to a partner with narcissistic behaviors about spending time together, try saying something, “It’s on the calendar that we would spend time together tonight,” instead of saying, “I don’t like that we aren’t seeing each other tonight.” If a narcissist is open and receptive to a conversation, then use “I” statements instead of placing the blame. Instead of saying, “You’re acting selfish,” you may try, “I feel like my needs aren’t being met in our relationship.”
Pick your battles to avoid blow-ups or gaslighting. When a narcissist lies or tries to get a rise out of you, they may be trying to get a reaction from you to show they’re in control. Disengage from the arguments that aren’t worth the time. If you’re not able to disprove what they’re saying or if the conversation doesn’t have a larger effect on your life, then it may not be worth putting the time and energy into it. Example: If a narcissistic partner has said that you’re cheating, avoid defending yourself because it may not be possible to disprove and they might twist your words against you. Example: If a narcissistic coworker tells your employer that you’ve misbehaved in the workplace, it’s time to address them head-on because it affects your livelihood.
Set firm boundaries. When you’re setting boundaries with a narcissist, tell them the behavior you’ll no longer tolerate and how you will respond if it happens. It’s normal for a narcissist to get angry or defensive as you set boundaries because they feel like they’re losing control, but remain calm and stand firm with your decision. Be sure to enforce your boundaries at all times to keep their behavior in check. Example: “I feel disrespected when you dismiss my feelings and speak over me. If you continue to cut in while I’m talking, I’m going to exit the conversation.” Example: “I get uncomfortable when you don’t respect my personal space. If you keep doing that, I’m not going to spend time with you anymore.” Once you make a boundary, stick to it. If you let a narcissist break a boundary once, they may continue trying to do it and make you feel guilty if you try to reinforce it again.
Give yourself me-time to do activities you enjoy. Rather than putting all your time and energy into an empathic narcissist, schedule time for your hobbies and your own well-being. Spend time with your friends, get involved with volunteering or extracurriculars, or focus on self-care, such as journaling or meditating, so you have time to recharge your own needs. Surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself and validate your feelings.
Talk to a professional therapist if you’re struggling. Dealing with an empathic narcissist can be really challenging to do on your own, so don’t be afraid to reach out to a professional. A therapist can help you develop techniques for coping and help you navigate through difficult discussions. If you’re in a relationship with someone who has narcissistic behaviors, it may help to do couples counseling if your partner is open to it.
End the relationship if things don’t change. It’s never easy to end a relationship, but it’s important to prioritize your own well-being if a narcissist won’t change their behaviors. As you’re ending a relationship, use “I” statements to frame how you’re feeling. Stay firm in your decision and surround yourself with friends and family to feel the most supported throughout it all. Write down the reasons you’re leaving and reflect on them if the narcissist tries hoovering, which is when they try to pull you back in after losing you. Take your time to grieve about the relationship, but try to focus your brain on something else to take your mind off it. You may turn to chatting with close friends, rediscovering activities you love, or exercising to burn away some of the stress.
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