Owning Your Mistake
Acknowledge your mistake honestly. You’ll never be able to get past a mistake if you cannot bring yourself to confront it. You need to clearly identify the mistake, what caused it, and your culpability. This is not the time to make excuses. Maybe you were distracted or overburdened, but these don’t change the reality of the result. Don’t try to share the blame, even if you can. You can only control your role in any mistake, and you need to accept it as your mistake. We can sometimes use our guilt as a barrier to prevent us from accepting the consequences. If we’re already punishing ourselves with guilt, then maybe the other person won’t punish us, too. If you want to move on, you must accept that there are consequences, and punishing yourself will not remove those consequences.
Share your feelings and findings. You may think it’s embarrassing enough to admit a mistake to yourself, let alone telling others all about it. However, as awkward as it may be at first, sharing your mistake and how you feel about it is often a key step towards letting go and moving on. The time to share with any person(s) you’ve wronged with your mistake will come, but first you may want to confide in a friend, therapist, spiritual guide, or someone else you can trust. It may seem silly, but verbally admitting your mistake, especially to someone else, can often be important in the process of accepting it. Sharing your mistakes also reminds you that we all make them, and that none of us are perfect. We all know these truths, and yet they are easy to forget when dealing with a mistake.
Make amends. Once you have admitted your mistake to yourself and to anyone who may have been harmed by it, the next step is to do your best to make things right. In doing so, you may discover your error was not such a big deal to begin with. And, if it was a big deal, working to make amends will help you to bring the matter to a close and move past it. Generally speaking, the sooner you make amends for a mistake, the better. For instance, if you make a mistake at work that costs your company a client and/or some money, it is best to inform your boss quickly — but give yourself some time to develop some ways you can make up for the error. Don’t let a mistake fester by not addressing it, which will only increase your guilt and the distress or anger in those you have wronged. There will be times when your mistake does not harm any particular person, or harms a person that is no longer around for an apology and amends. For example, perhaps you deemed yourself too busy to visit your grandmother, and now she has passed on. In such cases, consider “paying it forward” by helping others in similar circumstances, or just doing good deeds in general. Maybe, for instance, you could volunteer at an assisted-living facility, or make a point of spending more time with your remaining elderly relatives.
Learning from Your Mistake
Analyze your mistake so you can learn from it. It may seem like unnecessary punishment to delve into the details of your error, but a close examination of it is the best way to turn a mistake into a learning experience. Most mistakes can become worthwhile if you learn and improve because of them. Delve into the root causes of your mistake, such as jealousy (in saying something rude) or impatience (in getting a speeding ticket). Categorize the mistake in terms like jealousy or impatience so that you can more easily identify solutions. Remember: choosing to learn from a mistake is the path to growth; living in self-condemnation and contempt leads to personal stagnation.
Create a plan of action. Identifying the cause(s) of your mistake is only the first step towards actually learning from it, of course. It's not enough to simply say "I won't do that again" without determining actionable changes that will prevent you from repeating the same or similar mistake. You don't magically learn from a mistake just by analyzing the details of it and admitting your fault, although these are essential steps. Think about what specifically you could have done differently in that situation, and lay out what specifically you will do differently the next time you face a similar scenario. Take time to actually write down an "action plan" for next time. It really can help you visualize and prepare for avoiding the same mistake. For instance, say that you forgot to pick up your friend from the airport because you stretched yourself too thin with so many responsibilities that you couldn't keep track of them all. Once you've identified this problem (and apologized to your buddy!), create a plan of action for better organizing and prioritizing your responsibilities when things get hectic. And also think about ways to say "no" when you are stretched too thin.
Address habits that may cause repetition. Many of our most common mistakes, from overeating to yelling at a spouse for no good reason, can be attributed to bad habits. To prevent repetition of the mistake, you need to identify and address the habits that cause it. It can be tempting to try to identify and correct all your bad habits at once in order to create a "new you," but it is best to take it easy and focus on one habit at a time. After all, what are the odds that you can quit smoking and spend more time with your mother at the same time? Instead, try focusing on breaking one bad habit, then consider your readiness to tackle another. Make the changes as simple as possible. The more complex your plan is to break a bad habit, the more likely it is to fail. If you want to wake up earlier because you're regularly late to work and important appointments, go to bed earlier and/or set your bedroom clock ahead ten minutes. Find ways to fill the void created by your former habit. Make it something positive, like exercising, spending more time with your kids, or volunteering.
Letting Go of Your Mistake
Cut yourself some slack. Many people who have trouble moving beyond mistakes suffer from unrealistic expectations for themselves. It is laudable to hold yourself to a high standard of behavior, but demanding perfection of yourself will only cause pain for you and those close to you. Ask yourself, “Is this mistake really as bad as I’m making it out to be?” If you examine it honestly, more often than not the answer will be “no.” When the answer is “yes,” all you can do is insist upon yourself that you learn even more from this mistake. Show compassion for yourself, as you would for others. Consider whether you would treat your best friend so harshly if he or she made the exact same mistake. In almost all cases, you would show compassion and support. In this case, remember that you should really be your own best friend, and act accordingly with compassion.
Forgive yourself. Forgiving others for their transgressions can be very difficult sometimes, and yet it is so often still easier than forgiving ourselves for even small mistakes. If, as the old saying goes, “forgiveness begins at home,” then you need to be able to start with yourself. You may see it as a foolish task, but it may help you to verbally forgive yourself — as in, literally saying “I forgive myself for spending the rent money on a night out on the town.” Some people may find writing down the mistake and a self-forgiveness on a piece of paper, then crumpling and discarding it, to be equally effective. Forgiving yourself serves as a self-reminder that you are not your mistakes. You are not a mistake, an error, or somehow defective. Instead, you are an imperfect being who makes mistakes like everyone else, and grows because of them.
Care for yourself and those around you. If you are struggling with letting go of a mistake, it is good to remind yourself that holding on may well be bad for your own health and detrimental to the well-being of those closest to you as well. You owe it to your body and to your loved ones to find a way to get past your error. When you experience guilt, chemicals are released in your body that can increase heart rate, blood pressure, and cholesterol levels, and disrupt proper digestion, muscle relaxation, and critical thinking skills. Excessive guilt can thus be literally harmful to your health. The saying “misery has company” has real merit, because someone who doesn't allow themself a break from guilt tends to drag down all those around him as well. You will likely be more withdrawn and more critical of others because of guilt over your mistake, and your spouse, children, friends, and even pets will suffer part of the price for it.
Move forward. Once you have owned up to your mistake, done your best to make amends, and forgiven yourself for it, you need to be able to let it go and worry about it no longer. It should exist only in the form of the lesson learned that will benefit you going forward. When you find your mind drifting back to your mistake and the guilt you felt over it, remind yourself that you have been forgiven. Say it out loud if necessary to remind yourself that the case is closed. Some people find help in the process by using the Positive Emotion Refocusing Technique, or PERT. To do it, close your eyes and take two deep, long, purposeful breaths. On the third breath, start to picture either someone you love deeply or an image of natural beauty and serenity. As you keep breathing, explore this “happy place” and bring your guilt in with you. Find your path to letting go and finding peace within this space, then open your eyes and leave your guilt behind. Moving forward from mistakes will help you to live your life without regrets. Remember, it is better to learn from mistakes than regret not trying. What is true for toddlers trying to walk or children trying to ride a bike is true for adults dealing with a mistake: falling down is practice, and getting up to try again is progress.
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