How to Like People

Thinking Positively about People

Respect everyone’s journey through life. In conversation, avoid fixating on what they happen to be saying at this moment. Whether you approve or disapprove of their comments, set your reaction aside for the time being. Keep in mind that everyone is moving along a path in life, and not permanently stuck where they happen to be right now. Embrace the fact that everyone changes. Ask follow-up questions to better understand where they are coming from instead of responding immediately to what they just said. For example: "Why do you feel that way?" or "What are you basing your opinion on?" Remember that even though you might not like where they are right now, they will be somewhere new tomorrow.

Treat each action individually. Refrain from immediately adding each little thing that you don’t like about someone to an ever-growing list entitled “Things I Don’t Like About This Person.” Instead, approach each moment as its own unique experience. Give them the chance to say and do things without immediately being judged for it based on past missteps. Apply this approach even when the same “bad” behavior appears to resurface again and again. Remember, even if someone is, say, consistently late in meeting you, the reasons may be different each time. Be aware that focusing on a growing list of things you don’t like might lead you to make snap judgments that you wouldn’t otherwise make. For instance, say you thought they were a little rude to your waiter at the beginning of your meal. If you hold onto to that, you might think they are a jerk for only leaving a small tip at the end, even though the service really was kind of poor.

Accept that they are a mystery. Be prepared to never fully understand someone, even despite your best efforts. Bear in mind that you aren’t telepathic, and so you may never know why someone said this or said that. Don’t limit yourself to liking only those people you think you understand well. Open yourself to liking people even when they confound you. Unless they did something that is clearly wrong (like shooting someone else in the foot just because they didn’t bring them a beverage), always keep in mind that you don’t know the full story. Avoid judging people for their actions if you don’t know the full reason behind them. For example, if someone doesn’t call you when they said they would, don’t take it as a slight. Keep in mind that they may have lost their phone, been faced with an emergency, or any number of things.

Respect their individuality. Whether they are your best friend, a stranger, or a nemesis, remember that everyone has flaws. More importantly, remember that the only person’s flaws that you can fix are your own. Accept that each person is their own person. Don’t give them the undue burden of living up to your expectations. Demanding that someone must change according to your liking may blind you to their positive traits. For instance, fixating on someone’s refusal to be swayed by your own beliefs about, say, the justice system may frustrate you to the point that you begin to undervalue how dependable they are when you need their assistance.

Changing Your Perspective

Allow for differences in values. Respect the fact that everyone grows up with different priorities. Recognize how your personal history has led you to develop your own unique set. Think of how this shapes your view of other people. Then consider how someone else’s personal history could lead them to adopt their own unique set of priorities. Understand that they aren’t any less likable just because they hold different values. For instance: A tragedy in your family might have impressed upon you the importance of maintaining strong ties. However, someone who grew up without any such tragedy might be more inclined to let family ties weaken over an issue that you consider minor. On the other hand, you might consider something like skipping school a rite of passage because you never suffered from it, while someone else might think of it as a major mistake because of the serious consequences that they faced afterward.

Appreciate their differences. Remember: no one is perfect, including you. Instead of faulting people for not sharing your values, recognize how their own mindset can be a good thing, even if it seems contrary to yours. Appreciate the positive results that come from their unique approach toward life. For example: Your approach toward work might be to dive into it headfirst and stick with it until it is done, while your colleague or study buddy may have a more relaxed mindset. Instead of faulting them for being too eager to take a break, embrace the benefits of taking one. Appreciate how your partner has led you to an experience that you would have otherwise skipped on your own. Say that you and Person B share very similar opinions. However, yours are shaped by your faith in your religion, while Person B, an atheist, has arrived at them on their own. Instead of faulting them for their lack of faith, appreciate how they have arrived at the same core values without any help from above.

See yourself from their eyes. Don’t assume that your actions always make your line of reasoning absolutely clear for others to understand. Remember that people may be as equally puzzled by why you do certain things as you are by their own choices. Recognize when your conduct might confuse, offend, or alienate others. Then consider ways to compensate and build a better understanding between you. For instance: Say you are an introvert and quiet by nature. Person B, on the other hand, is very open and talkative. Although you wouldn’t be offended by someone simply nodding hello in the morning instead of starting a conversation, understand that Person B might. To compensate, meet them halfway. Compliment their appearance, comment on the weather, or offer any other small form of chitchat to put them at ease. Now say the opposite: you are very talkative and Person B is very quiet. While you know that you are trying to start a conversation in order to be friendly, recognize that they might feel bullied into interacting. Again, meet them halfway. Say hello, ask how their weekend was, and then leave it up to them to continue talking or back out.

Dealing with Challenging People

Take your time. Avoid being drawn into a heated exchange. Resist the urge to respond right away to every action or comment. Always give yourself a moment to reflect before proceeding. Not only will this give you an opportunity to compose yourself and reconsider potential missteps, but it may encourage the other person to do the same. For example: Say you're dealing with a neighbor who throws lots of loud parties, and when you complain about the noise, they cite the family reunion you just held a month ago, even though that was the only loud gathering you've hosted all year. Instead of getting snippy right away, reflect on that. Acknowledge that it was a loud gathering. Show them that you are listening to what they have to say so they feel heard.

Analyze yourself. Keep a careful watch over your own thoughts and reactions. Recognize when you react negatively to someone. Then investigate the reasons behind that reaction. Distinguish between offenses that can be objectively called “bad” and other offenses that really only offend you personally. For instance, an offense that could be objectively called bad would be physically harming someone else for no reason whatsoever. On the other hand, an offense that only offends you would be disagreeing with your opinion about a TV show.

Compare your own flaws. Whenever someone says or does something you don’t like, take an honest look at yourself before judging them. Ask yourself if you are guilty of the same. Be aware that we often react the strongest to other people’s flaws when they happen to mirror what we don’t like about ourselves. When you find this to be the case, cut the other person even more slack. Don’t judge them too harshly for what might have been out of character for them just because you’re hypersensitive about your own shortcomings. For instance: Say you've been having doubts about your new relationship, and your new boyfriend or girlfriend seems quite taken by someone else whom they just met, which makes you feel jealous. Maybe they really are smitten, but maybe their excitement is simply due to a shared interest that you personally don't share. Either way, recognize that your perspective might be distorted by your preexisting doubts before acting too rashly.

Take control of the conversation. If someone demonstrates that they definitely have qualities that you do not like, remember: everyone on Earth is going to have qualities you don’t like about them. Redirect the conversation to topics that make you more comfortable. Keep your focus on the other person’s positive qualities by steering them away from areas that make you think poorly of them. For example, if a conversation over politics is making you uncomfortable, make a joke like, “What is this? A Sunday morning talk show? Let’s change the channel to sports.” If this person is someone whom you have to interact with again and again (like a sibling who is hard to get along with), set firmer rules. Simply say, “Let’s agree to not talk about this subject when we're together.”