Communicating Clearly
Talk about his feelings when you’re both calm. It’s normal to feel angry or upset if your boyfriend tells you he’d like more space. If you feel like you can’t talk it out calmly and fairly in the moment, ask him if you can talk about it later. Walk away for a few minutes, letting yourself breathe and calm down. Say, “I don’t feel like I can talk about this right now without getting upset. Let me have a few hours to calm down and then let’s talk this through.”
Listen to his reasoning. You may not feel that you need a break from your relationship right now, but he does, so you have a responsibility to acknowledge and try to understand his feelings. Really allow yourself to see where he’s coming from, even if it means confronting some of your own shortcomings. For example, he might say that he wants to spend more time pursuing his own hobbies, but you feel threatened when he chooses to spend time away from you. This might be hard to hear, but listen quietly and try to understand his feelings. Don’t interrupt him; wait until he’s done to tell him how you feel. Stay calm and don’t get defensive. Both of your feelings are valid; allow him space to express his before you try to refute them. Remember, if your boyfriend felt comfortable enough to ask you for more space, it may be a sign that he trusts you.
Talk to him about how much space he needs. Let him explain what he feels and what kind of space he needs without judging or getting angry. As someone who cares about him, it’s your job to respect and try to understand his feelings. It’s likely that your boyfriend just needs a little more time to himself. Maybe he wants to play video games with his friends once a week or not feel pressured to text you every few hours. It’s also possible he wants to take a longer-term break. Ask him to be honest and specific. Say, “What kind of space can I give you? What do you need from me?” Many healthy couples take time for themselves. Remember that this isn’t his attempt to escape or break up with you; this is something you can do with him to make your relationship stronger. If he wanted to break up, he probably would.
Don’t be afraid to compromise. Even after listening to his point of view, you may feel hurt and not want to give him the space he’s asking for. Ask him if you can start with little shifts and see how you both feel. This kind of compromise will ensure that both of your feelings are heard and understood. For example, if he wants to spend time with his friends a few times a week, ask if he can start with just once a week. Make the next night your “date” night, where you’ll spend time with only each other, so you can get the one-on-one time you want. You can negotiate with him. For example, if he wants 4 hours of alone time a day, ask him if you can start with just 2 hours. Perhaps you can adjust this time based on both of your needs later on.
Stay calm and don’t jump to conclusions. Keep an even tone of voice and avoid yelling, which will only make him feel defensive and even more eager for space. This is not the end of your relationship and he’s not breaking up with you--no matter how scary this conversation may seem! Take deep breaths and allow yourself the time and emotional space to process what he’s saying. Remind yourself that you want your boyfriend to be happy, and this is something you can do to make him happier in your relationship. This is a way to strengthen your bond and remind both of you how much you care for each other. Keep in mind that a strong relationship needs a balance between the time you spend together and the time you spend apart. Spending some time alone is not a bad thing.
Giving Each Other Temporary Space
Text him less frequently. How exactly you give your boyfriend space will be up to you and him, but one good way to start is to cut back on texting him. Limit yourself to one text per day, or less than that if he asks for it. If you often text him 7-10 times a day, ask yourself what you’re looking for from those texts. Do you want reassurance that he’s thinking about you? Are you trying to make sure he’s not having too much fun without you? Although it was your boyfriend that asked for this space, you can use it to learn a little more about yourself and your habits too.
Avoid looking at his social media. Don’t hurt yourself by looking at the fun things he might be doing without you. You’ll get upset with him and feel bad about yourself, too. Ask your friends to help police your social media usage and make sure you’re not constantly looking at his profiles. Giving him space means letting him live some of his life with other people, while remembering that he cares deeply about you and isn’t leaving you behind.
Spend more time with your friends. Ask them to see a movie your boyfriend wouldn’t like, or go to out to your favorite restaurant. Instead of being alone or feeling down when you’re not with your boyfriend, spend the time with other people you love.
Pursue your own hobbies. Use this time to throw yourself into something you really enjoy doing, whether that’s painting, watching old films, reading, swimming, or any other hobby. If you use this space to grow as an individual and reconnect with things you love, you’ll come back to your relationship stronger and more confident than ever.
Reflect on the relationship from your perspective. Think about how you feel when you’re not with your boyfriend. Do you miss him, but feel independent enough to live your own life? Or are you finding yourself unable to do or enjoy anything when he’s not around? Devoting time to yourself and your own unique passions can remind you that you can still have a your own life, even when you’re in a relationship.
Talk about taking a trial run. This is a great form of compromise, especially if you’re caught off-guard or feel scared by your boyfriend’s desire for space. Agree to test out these new ideas for a few days or a week to see how they work. At the end of the trial run, meet up and talk about how it felt to you. You might be surprised at how well you were able to adapt to giving your boyfriend some space, or you might have felt lonely and unhappy during the trial run. Be honest with your boyfriend about how you feel and start working towards something that works for both of you. Realize that it may take some experimenting at first. This is normal. Don't be afraid to adjust your parameters based on what works for you as a couple.
Taking a Full Break
Set clear boundaries. If your boyfriend wants to take a full break from the relationship, rather than just spend a little more time by himself, work together to set very clear expectations. Talk about whether you can see each other in person once or twice, or whether you can text or email. Do your best to stick to these boundaries. This will show your boyfriend that you understand his concerns, take them seriously, and want to work to make your relationship better.
Agree on a timeframe. Ask your boyfriend how much time he feels he needs, then try to compromise from there. Any timeframe spanning from a week to a month is a reasonable request for a break. If he wants to take a longer break, lasting for a few months, you may want to sit down for a longer talk about your relationship. This could be a symptom of deeper problems in your relationship.
Talk about whether you’ll see other people. Take into account the reasons behind your boyfriend’s request for space and work together to decide what you’re comfortable with. Make sure that the expectations are clear to both of you to prevent misunderstandings and hurt feelings. If he’s unsure of where your relationship is heading and needs to decide if this is what he really wants, he might want to see other people. If he wants the time to reflect deeply and individually on your relationship, it might make less sense for him to date other people.
Take the time to practice self care. Read a new book, watch your favorite movie, or cook a delicious meal for yourself. Have dinner with friends, go for a jog or a swim, or try yoga. Instead of thinking about what your boyfriend is doing during the break, devote your energy to your own well-being.
Be energized when you reconnect. When the break is over, text or call your boyfriend and arrange to meet up in a public, neutral place. Hug him and tell him how excited you are to see him. You’ll also want to address more serious concerns about the break, but don’t hesitate to show him how happy you are to be together again. Ask him how he is and how the break went for him. Avoid being overbearing with your enthusiasm. Instead of saying, “I missed you so much, I thought about you every minute!”, try, “I’m so happy to be with you again! I really missed you.”
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