Becoming a Better You
Address your personal hygiene so you feel good about yourself. You don’t have to be movie-star handsome or body-builder fit to be an attractive person. Take care of yourself so that you look and smell good every day. Not only will you look more attractive, but you'll feel more confident, too. Brush your teeth at least twice a day and use mouthwash or chew gum if you have bad breath. Take a shower every day or every other day, especially if you’ve gotten sweaty or have been somewhere with strong odors, like a restaurant or a bonfire. Wear clean clothes that have been washed recently. Keep your nails clean and trimmed. Use deodorant every day to help combat body odor.
Smile and practice good posture so you look and feel more confident. When you walk, keep your shoulders pressed back and avoid slouching forward. Look straight ahead and make eye contact with the people you pass instead of staring at the ground. Give others a genuine smile. Having open body language and facial expressions automatically make you a more approachable and interesting person. Girls who seem out of your league aren’t going to want someone who doesn’t believe in himself or who seems super insecure.
Develop your hobbies and interests so you’re a well-rounded person. It may seem contrary to focus on yourself when all you really want is to focus on her, but becoming a better person is the best way to become more attractive to girls who are out of your league. Don’t worry about choosing a hobby that is “cool;” instead, focus on something you’re truly passionate about. Being yourself is more attractive than pretending to be someone you’re not. Sports, comedy, history, politics, animals, video games, art, travel, cooking, and woodworking are all cool things, but don’t be afraid to think outside the box!
Work to overcome your insecurities so you can be a healthier individual. Everyone has insecurities, but letting those self-perceived traits keep you from pursuing relationships or living your best life can be really harmful. Think about the ways in which you feel insecure: do you think you’re ugly, stupid, boring, or annoying? Perhaps you’ve been turned down before or have been bullied and this has affected your beliefs about yourself. Try the following to work on overcoming insecurities: Identify which characteristics you feel insecure about. Think back to when you first started to feel that way. Visualize the kind of person you would like to be. Give yourself small goals to work past your insecurities, like reaching out to a new friend to initiate getting together, joining a new group or club, or simply making more eye contact with people. To pump up your own confidence, try playing upbeat music that makes you feel good right before you're going to see the girl you like. Talk to a professional if you need additional help working through these issues. There is nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it!
Start practicing positive self-talk so your self-worth grows. First, start paying attention to the things you think and say about yourself. Then, when you notice you’re saying something negative, stop, think, and reframe the thought to be something positive. Implementing positive self-talk can be really hard because you have to break the habit of thinking badly about yourself. Be patient and keep at it. The kinder you are to yourself, the better you will feel. If you find yourself thinking things like, “She probably thinks she's better than me," reframe that to, "I'm so glad to get to go on a date with a really awesome girl."
Be a kind and gracious person so that your character shines. You want to be noticeable when you’re trying to attract someone out of your league, but you don’t want to be noticed because you’re mean or rude. Instead, choose to be noticed because of your good character. A more long-lasting relationship will be built on that kind of attraction. If a girl is only interested in guys who are mean to others or who are really proud, she might not be the kind of girl you want to be with, anyway.
Avoid putting the girl you like on a pedestal. If you have unrealistic expectations for what a relationship with this girl would be like, you’ll just end up disappointed. Regardless of whether she's a model or the girl next door, she is ultimately a regular person with flaws and quirks, just like everyone else! Remind yourself that no matter how out of reach or unattainable she seems, she is a person who is most likely looking for a genuine connection with someone else, just like you. When someone seems out of your league, it’s helpful to remind yourself that they go through the same things as everyone else: they might have bad hair days or break out with acne; maybe they have anxiety or struggle in school. No one is perfect, no matter what it looks like from the outside!
Breaking the Ice
Say “hi” and strike up a conversation to break the ice. Just working up the confidence to go up to a girl and start talking to her can be the hardest part, especially if it seems like she is always with her friends. Try to be as casual as possible and have a question or opening line prepared. You could say something like, “Hi, I’m Jack. I noticed that you were working on the set for the new school play. How is that coming along?” If you’re out at a bar or party, you could try something like, “Hey, I’m Taylor. I noticed you’re friends with Alisha. How do you guys know each other?”Tip: Remember to smile and make eye contact, but don’t stand too close to her or block her into a corner. You don’t want to make her feel threatened.
Focus on her personality and interests, rather than her looks. As you get to know her, ask her open-ended questions about what she does, what she’s into, where she’s from, and other similar things. Don’t be afraid to share things about yourself, too, especially if you find you have something in common. If this is a girl that lots of other people are interested in, she may be used to people talking to her just because of her looks. Try saying something like, “Tell me more about what you’re studying in school,” or “What do you like to do for fun?"
Take an interest in the things she likes so you have common ground. Don’t pretend to like something you know you don’t, but don’t be afraid to try or learn something new. For example, if she loves salsa dancing, you could take dance classes. Or, if she is really into pop culture, download a few podcasts to brush up on the latest news. You could even ask her to teach you something or to share her knowledge with you. This would be a really flattering way to get to know her better. Try saying something like, “I would love to hear more about what got you interested in art. Is that something you grew up around?” Don't be afraid to talk about the things you like, either. By showcasing yourself for a moment, you'll get her a chance to know who you really are. Then, you can shift the attention back to her.
Remember special dates and details to show her that you listen. When she talks, don’t focus just on what you’re going to say next. Instead, really listen to what she is saying. Try to remember her stories and little details about things she likes or doesn’t like. The next time you see her, you can use these details to start up another conversation. If she tells you three different times that she is a vegetarian and you keep forgetting, she is definitely not going to feel like you really want to get to know her. If she tells you she and a friend are taking a trip, ask her about it the next time you see her. She’ll appreciate that you made the effort to remember.
Figure out how to make her laugh. You’ll know you’re connecting with her if you can get her to smile and laugh. Whether you tell a funny personal story or simply use your wit to make funny comments, pay attention to what she responds to the most. Avoid telling cheesy joke-book jokes. Instead, be willing to laugh at yourself or tell stories from your own life. For example, try sharing something embarrassing that happened to you but that ended up being funny, like a mishap at a store or a misunderstanding at school. Don’t be afraid to use social media to your advantage. If you can find out what kinds of memes or videos she likes, you can tailor your jokes to fit that kind of content. For example, if she loves dog videos, you could pull up a favorite funny dog video to share with her.
Ask her to hang out in low-key situations to get to know her better. Group activities are a great place to start getting more familiar with this person; plus, it’ll give both of you a chance to see how the other interacts with friends. Try inviting her to a movie, concert, sports game, art exhibit, or fun dinner. Say something like, “Hey Amy, me and a few friends are getting tickets to the big game on Friday. Do you want to come along? We’ll probably go out after to get something to eat, too.” You could also say something like, “My friends and I were planning to go and see that new movie that’s coming out. Do you and your friends want to meet up with us before it starts?”
Becoming More Than Friends
Share your contact information so that you can text and message her. This is a great way to increase how frequently you get to talk to her. You can text, message, and interact on social media. Once you have her number, it’s time to send that first message or friend request! Texting is a great way to bond and get to know each other better, and it can also let you show more of your personality and humor if you tend to be shyer in person. When asking for her number, say something like, “I’d love to send you that video we were talking about. Can I get your number?” or “I wanted to ask you about that project you were working on and realized I don’t have your number. Can I get it from you?”
Get to know her friends so that they can put in a good word for you. Her friends may be the best starting point to you moving beyond the friendzone with this girl. If they like you and see that you’re a standup person, they’ll be more likely to encourage her to give you a chance. Learn their names, listen to their stories, and treat them all with respect. Avoid flirting with any of them, as that could make you look like you’re interested in them.
Start flirting with her to show that you’re interested in her. Make eye contact, laugh at her jokes, touch her arm lightly, and tease her a little bit. Make sure to keep things light-hearted and fun. Pay attention to how she responds to your flirting. If she blushes or responds to you similarly, she is most likely into it. If she doesn’t respond or keeps glancing around, she may be feeling uncomfortable. When you make eye contact, try smiling at the same time and holding her gaze for a little longer than usual.
Give compliments about her accomplishments, personality, and looks. Keep your comments brief and sincere. You could say something simple, like, “I thought you did a really good job on your presentation in class today,” or, “You have really great taste in music.” If you want to keep the conversation going after you give a compliment, follow it up with a question. For example, you could say something like, “You looked like a natural when you were giving that speech. Was that easy for you or were you nervous inside?”Tip: Don’t focus solely on her looks. It’s okay to tell her she looks nice or that you like her hair or outfit, but make sure to add in some compliments about other things about her, like a recent success she had in school or work, or how she dealt with someone that was giving her a hard time.
Break through the “touch barrier” to see how she responds. Try standing close to her so that your shoulders touch, lightly touch her arm when you make a joke, or pass her something so that your hands touch. Keep your touching to “safe areas,” though, like her shoulders, arms, upper back, and hands. If she steps back when you get close to her or seems uncomfortable in any way, give her some space. If she seems emotionally and physically comfortable after you've broken the touch barrier, you can continue to escalate your flirting.
Have a direct conversation with her to share your feelings. Try your best to stay calm, although it’s completely normal if you’re feeling nervous. Ask her to meet somewhere quiet, like a coffee shop or park. Make eye contact with her and keep it as simple as possible. Try saying something like, “I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you over these past few weeks, and I really love your sense of humor and how you love your family. I’d like to take you out on a date sometime if that’s something you’d be interested in.” You could be even more direct and say something like, “It’s probably obvious to you, but I really like you and enjoy spending time with you.” After you share your feelings, wait for her response. Don’t feel pressured to fill the silence; instead, just sit patiently and calmly and really listen to what she has to say.
Accept her answer and respond kindly, no matter what she says. Hopefully, she says that she feels similarly and would like to continue getting to know you better. But she also might say that she doesn’t feel the same way or that she isn’t interested in a relationship at the moment. Let her know that you still would like to be friends and then take some time over the next few weeks to recover from the situation. If she says she isn’t interested in you in the same way, try saying something like, “That’s okay. I just wanted to let you know how I feel so that I wasn’t hiding anything from you. I hope we can still be friends and talk from time to time.” If she says she isn’t sure if she is interested in you in that way, you could try saying something like, “Well, I’d love to continue getting to know you better. Maybe we could go grab a coffee next week and check out that new art exhibit that is coming out.” If she says she does feel similarly, say, “That makes me really happy. I’d love to take you out on a real date. Does next Friday work?”
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