- Be the adult in the relationship and remain patient as the kids adjust to a new family dynamic. Give them space to process the changes in their lives.
- Bond with your stepchildren through activities you both enjoy. Don’t force a relationship—just be there and be your authentic self around them.
- Get your spouse on board with parenting and discipline. Present a united front to all biological and stepkids to promote equality and respect.
Defining “Toxic”
Generally, toxic behaviors impact others negatively in an ongoing way. They upset your life chronically, unlike one-time arguments or conflicts which are just a part of life. “Toxic” isn’t a psychological term—it’s mostly a casual term people use to describe other people’s behavior towards them and how it makes them feel. Toxic behaviors are demanding, difficult, and challenging. Over time, they chip away at a relationship between two people. These behaviors are usually a form of acting out or projecting unhappy feelings like fear or a dislike of change. Even if the reason for toxic behavior is genuine, it doesn’t excuse the pain the person is causing. Their feelings need to be handled in a constructive way. Not everyone thinks "toxic" is a good term. It can be mistaken as an insult or dismiss a person's ability to change.
Signs of Toxic Dislike
Signs of dislike range from verbal harassment to subtle behavioral cues. Many children in blended or stepfamilies show similar signs of disapproval towards a new stepparent. The signs seem obvious to the targeted stepmom or stepdad, but may not be noticed by others in the family. Some of the most common signs of a potentially toxic stepchild relationship are: They avoid or alienate you and refuse to spend any time with you. You feel like an outsider when your stepkids are around. The stepchildren are angry around you and refuse to obey you. They’re generally rude, disrespectful, and impolite. They tell you they hate you or that they want you gone. They show aggressive or bullying behaviors (especially teens or adults). They intentionally tell lies or do things to sabotage your marriage. They tell lies to their biological parents to make you look bad.
Addressing Toxic Behavior
Take the high road and be the adult in the situation. Acknowledge your feelings to yourself and perform self-care without lashing out or reacting negatively to your stepkids’ behaviors. Be patient with them and understand that they’re children navigating hard circumstances—things won’t change overnight. Resist the urge to compete for your new spouse’s attention. The kids have a different relationship with them than you do. Be your genuine self at all times. The kids need to see who you really are to grow closer to you. Be kind to yourself. Remember that you matter in this new family and you deserve to be treated with respect. Only communicate when you’re calm and not flooded with anxiety or anger. Otherwise, you may end up creating more conflict.
Work with your spouse to be consistent on expectations and discipline. Talk to your spouse about presenting a united front to both step and biological children, and don’t let them “rule the roost” because you feel guilty about intruding. Be honest about differences you notice—your spouse shouldn’t be defending poor behavior or letting it slide so you look like the “bad cop.” Create a house rule about respecting all family members at all times. Both you and your spouse must call out any disrespectful behavior. Make no exceptions to house rules without your spouse’s knowledge and agreement. Otherwise, you run the risk of coming off easy or inconsistent. Reach out to the kids’ other parent and try to develop a positive relationship. It will boost your rapport with the kids and make enforcing respect easier. Be very clear when you communicate boundaries about which behaviors are or aren’t OK. Stay polite but firm in your delivery.
Tailor your approach based on the ages and traits of your stepchildren. Let your stepchild set the pace of your bonding—some may open up quickly while others will take months or longer to warm up to you. Show them consistent patience and interest and chances are they will open up eventually. Focus on the daily needs of young kids under 10 (meals, playtime, or help with school). They’ll adjust to change fairly quickly. Kids 10-14 years old have the hardest time—offer lots of bonding time and show interest in their lives so they’ll accept you as an authority figure. Offer teens your support and affection, even if they don’t reciprocate. They’re less involved in stepfamily life and are busy forging their own identity. Be polite to adult stepchildren and accept that they’re responsible for their own feelings and actions. Put most of your effort into strengthening your marriage.
Empathize with your stepchildren’s situation. Always be respectful and show you’re a good listener. Understand that kids need assurance that they’re safe, cared for, wanted, and valued while they transition to a new family life (even grown children). Be the most patient with older kids and teenagers—their longtime way of life has suddenly changed. Be prepared to compromise while you all get used to living with each other. As long as you’re consistent with expectations, you’ll earn their respect. Remember, your stepchildren are coming from a place of hurt or confusion. They’re trying to adapt without the perspective to see the “big picture” of adult relationships. Stepparents are natural targets for their feelings, but their hurt doesn’t excuse their behavior.
Treat your biological and stepkids equally with discipline. It’s natural to feel a stronger connection to your biological children if you have them, but try not to play favorites. When it comes to rules and expectations, discipline all children equally. If a stepchild accuses you of being lenient on others or picking favorites, hear them out respectfully and reassure them that you’ll be fair going forward. If a stepchild perceives favoritism, empathize with their feelings and spend the next few days acknowledging times you’ve done something good for them. When some kids are treated differently, it can lead to sibling rivalry or a feeling that they’re not cared for as much as other kids in the family.
Give your stepchildren space to adjust to the new family dynamic. If your efforts to bond early on weren’t successful, take a step back and let the stepchild come to you on their time, especially if they’re adults. Stick to small things that show you’re interested in them, like picking up their favorite treat one day or listening to their problems. Show you care enough to learn about their needs and they’ll eventually come around. Remember, the type of love and affection you feel comfortable showing may be different from what the stepchild wants or needs. Respect the privacy of teen stepchildren. Ask before giving them advice and show them you’re there for them even if they say rude or irritating things. Encourage your spouse to spend individual time with their kids so they don’t feel the need to compete with you for their parent’s time.
Apologize and be honest when you make mistakes. Be authentic and truthful with your stepkids at all times, especially when you’ve said or done something you wish you hadn’t. Rather than explain or justify your mistake, acknowledge it and apologize. Own your faults—kids can often sense when someone is being genuine or not. Follow up your apology with action. If you got caught allowing one kid extra screen time, for example, cut everyone off at the same time the next day. A heartfelt apology and some vulnerability goes a long way with teens and adults who might be better able to empathize with your situation.
Recognize you’re not a replacement for their biological parent. Have them call you by your first name or a nickname instead of “mom” or “dad” unless they chose to. Try not to badmouth their biological parent (or other siblings and family members), even if you don’t get along with the person—in most cases, this makes it harder to earn your stepchildren’s respect. Think of your stepparent role as a special opportunity to enrich both your and your stepkids’ lives. You don’t need to fill the shoes of a biological parent. Try not to ask your stepkids questions like “Why don’t you like me?” or “Will you ever respect me?” It makes you look less powerful in the relationship. Stay away from defensive or probing questions like “Why don’t you act this way at your other parent’s house?” or “Why are you always upset when I’m around?”
Growing Together
Spend time together to learn about your stepkids’ lives and preferences. Do things you both enjoy to start building a bond—maybe it’s watching a favorite TV show together or going to a concert. Ask the child if there’s anything they’d like to do so they don’t feel “forced” into spending time with you (especially at the expense of spending time with their biological parent). Try to get one-on-one time with each stepchild to get to know them as individuals.
Use empathy and validation to restore respect when rules are broken. If your stepchild says something rude or hurtful when you mention their rule breaking, tell them you hear them and understand where they’re coming from. Then, refocus the conversation on their behavior—calmly tell them which rule they broke and what the consequences will be. Tell them that both you and their biological parent are on the same page about the rules. Have your spouse back you up and explain the same consequences. Make sure your stepkids are aware of the expectations at all times. It’s harder to fault you for disciplining them if they were well aware they were breaking a rule.
Celebrate their achievements and support them during hard times. Show up for their birthday parties, graduations, sports games, or talent show performances. There’s no need to shower them with praise—just having them see that you’re there for them is enough. Find small ways to consistently support them, too, like offering to help with homework. Tell them “You can always talk to me” or “Feel free to ask me any questions you have.” Some kids are shy about opening up. It’s up to your stepchild to determine how much of your support they need or want. No matter what, stay friendly and be there for encouragement.
Keep things fun and positive around them. Show them you’re fun to be around by busting out the good stuff—games, baking, TV marathons, or outdoor activities. Let them bring their friends, too, to show how open, adaptable, and friendly you are. Maintain a sense of humor, especially with teens in the house. Smiles are refreshing and make a positive atmosphere. Create fun new traditions as a stepfamily, like celebrating Stepfamily Day. This way, you’re not imposing on old traditions and you can create new memories.
If Nothing Works
Discuss your feelings with your spouse. Communicate if you’re struggling with a stepchild who doesn’t like you and ask your spouse for support as you navigate your new relationships with the kids. Tell them to help you set boundaries—your spouse can tell the kids that they’re entitled to their opinions, but they need to treat you with respect (like they would any other adult). Encourage them not to “force” the kids to like you, since this might backfire and make them more rigid. Remember, your experience with the kids isn’t a reflection on the quality of your marriage. Lean on your spouse for ongoing support and understanding.
Make a truce with your stepchildren if you can’t get along. Engage your stepkids in an activity they enjoy and tell them you’re calling a truce. Say you’re sorry for the things you’ve done or said that irked them, and ask them to forgive you going forward since you’ll most likely make more mistakes. Take a moment to forgive them for their behavior, too, and pledge to start over on a clean slate. Agree to be polite with each other without interfering in each other’s business very much. Inform your spouse about the truce ahead of time, then tell the kids that their parent will be largely in charge of discipline going forward.
Distance yourself from your stepchildren and focus on your marriage. Carry on your life without making major adjustments to suit the kids, but let them know you’re always there if they need you one day. Strengthen your marriage with alone time as a couple and model love, respect, and open communication—it’ll benefit you as well as your stepchildren. Set aside quality time for you and your spouse. Often, the early part of your marriage is consumed by figuring out how to best care for your stepchildren. Some distance can be especially effective with teenage or adult stepchildren. Remember that you bring positive qualities to the family too, even if your stepkids struggle to see it.
Consider family therapy or counseling. If your new family can’t resolve its conflicts on its own, try seeing a therapist together for competent, objective perspectives and solutions. Discuss who to see with your spouse—a therapist, counselor, life coach, or faith-based advisor are all potential resources. Signs it’s time to see a therapist include: A stepchild openly directs anger at or resents a stepparent. A stepparent or parent openly favors one child over another. Family members can’t enjoy typically lighthearted things like school, work, playing, or recreational time with friends and family.
Leave the marriage or cut off your stepchildren as a last resort. If absolutely nothing works and your stepchildren are making you miserable, consider the “nuclear option.” Consider leaving if you can’t see any other way forward to a peaceful coexistence. It’s a difficult decision to make, so here are some of the biggest indicators that it might be the right choice: Your stepchildren are repeatedly and intentionally bullying or harassing your biological children (if you have them). Your stepchildren tell lies about you to weaken your marriage or manipulate how you appear to others outside of your immediate family. Your stepchildren consistently guilt or manipulate you into giving them what they want. Your stepchildren don’t listen to you at all or respect your authority and boundaries. Your stepchildren make you feel unsafe (especially older teens or adult stepchildren). Your spouse is constantly at odds with you about how to handle the kids or won’t support your efforts to gain their respect.
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