Confronting Him
Practice what you want to say before you have the talk. Having a serious conversation with your boyfriend will be hard, especially if you’re upset. To help you get through what you need to say, decide what you want to tell him in advance. Then, practice saying that out loud. This will help you during the actual talk. Try talking to a mirror or explaining it to a supportive friend.
Ask him to talk when you feel ready. Call or text him to tell him you’re ready to talk about what happened. Invite him to meet you in a neutral location or somewhere you feel comfortable. Schedule a time when you’ll have plenty of time to discuss the situation and won’t feel rushed. For example, you might ask him to meet you at your house or at a local coffee shop. You might text him, “I need to talk to you about what happened with Stacey. Can we meet up at the Good Beans Cafe at 1 p.m.?”Variation: You might not know for sure if he’s cheating or not. In this is the case, you might text him something like, “I heard some things going around that have me confused. Can we meet up at Good Beans Cafe at 1 p.m. to talk?”
Ask him if he’s cheating if you’re not sure. You might suspect he’s cheating if he’s been pulling away from you or you’ve been hearing rumors. If this is the case, it’s best to ask him directly instead of making assumptions. Explain your suspicions and why you feel that way. Then, ask him if he’s actually cheating on you. You might say, “I’ve noticed that you haven’t kissed me in 2 weeks, and now I’m hearing rumors about you going on a date with Alex. Is it true that you cheated?”
Tell him how his decision to cheat made you feel. He probably wasn’t trying to hurt you when he cheated, but he needs to know the pain his actions caused. Explain how you feel about what happened and why it hurt you so much. Say as much as you need to say to feel better. You might say, “I feel so hurt and betrayed right now. I trusted you with my heart, and you broke it into a million pieces.”Variation: Your boyfriend may refuse to listen to how you feel or you might decide that you don’t want to talk to him again. In this case, write him a letter telling him how much he hurt you, then burn it or tear it up. This will help you feel better even if you don’t tell him how much he hurt you.
Listen to his side of the story but don’t accept blame. You probably know that there are 2 sides to every story, and seeing things from your boyfriend’s perspective could help. Give him a chance to explain himself and try to understand his side. However, don’t let him try to blame you or excuse his behavior. This gives your boyfriend a chance to tell you if he wants to save your relationship and why you should take him back. Additionally, it might help you understand that he didn’t cheat to hurt you. If he starts to blame you, hold up your hand and say, “Stop. I’m not going to accept blame for your actions. If you’re going to blame me, we can end this conversation now.”
Coping with Heartbreak
Give yourself permission to grieve. Finding out your boyfriend may be cheating hurts a lot, so let out your pain. Acknowledge how you’re feeling right now and express your emotions in a healthy way. Give yourself as much time as you need to grieve. This will help you feel better faster. Say to yourself, “I feel so betrayed right now” or “I feel so sad because I thought we were perfect together.”
Use healthy coping strategies to process your emotions. You might feel overwhelmed by your feelings at times, and expressing them can help you feel better. Try different coping strategies to figure out what helps you work through your emotions. For instance, you might do the following: Call your best friend to vent. Write in your journal. Take a hot bath and listen to relaxing music. Watch your favorite comedy. Go for a walk or run. Do yoga. Express yourself through art.
Spend time with your support network to remind you you’re loved. Going through a heartbreak can make you feel like your love has abandoned you. However, you actually have a lot of people around you who love you so much! Take your mind off of what’s happening with your boyfriend by spending time with your friends and family. Invite them to hang out at home or to do something fun. For instance, invite your best friend to your house for a movie night or go bowling with a group of friends. Try not to talk about what’s going on with your boyfriend. Instead, focus on the great relationships you have in your life.
Remind yourself that you aren’t at fault for his decisions. When your partner cheats, you may try to figure out what you did wrong in the relationship. However, there’s no excuse for his decision to cheat! He is the only one responsible for his cheating, so don’t blame yourself. When you start to worry you did something wrong, tell yourself that you can’t control what he does. Say, “I don’t control his behavior. If he decided to cheat, that’s his fault, not mine.”Tip: Sometimes a cheating partner will point out problems in the relationship that they claim drove them to cheat. For instance, your boyfriend might say, “You weren’t paying attention to me” or “You were too busy with your friends, so I met someone else.” However, the truth is that he could have talked to you about your issues instead of cheating. Don’t accept the blame.
Practice self care so your needs are met. Right now you probably feel like eating ice cream and binge-watching TV. However, you’ll feel better faster if you eat healthy meals, get dressed, exercise, and follow a routine. Write out a simple routine that you can follow while you’re feeling down about your relationship. Additionally, do something nice for yourself every day. For example, you might set a goal to get dressed, go to work or school, exercise, and work on a hobby. Additionally, you might plan simple, healthy meals like yogurt with cut up fruit, a salad with grilled chicken, or a turkey wrap with a side of steamed veggies.
Focus on being happy rather than getting even. When you find out your boyfriend cheated, it’s natural to want to get revenge. It’s okay to fantasize about kissing his friend or keying his car, but actually doing it is a bad idea. You’ll likely feel even worse and might end up in trouble. Instead of worrying about revenge, do things that make you feel happy. As an example, buy yourself a new outfit, bake cookies with your best friend, or go on a road trip with your friend group. It’s okay to indulge your fantasies of revenge. For instance, you might picture yourself ruining his favorite record or putting a dead fish in his car. Just don’t go through with it!
Moving Forward
Take time to think over your decisions. Give yourself time to think about what you really want. Consider what happened, how you feel, and what he said during your conversation. Then, make a decision that’s right for you. If you know you want to end things, it’s okay to go ahead and do that. However, don’t feel like you need to make the decision quickly if you aren’t sure.
Decide if you can continue the relationship or not. Your boyfriend’s cheating might make you lose trust, which is understandable. If you’re unable to trust him, your relationship may not be fixable. Consider if you feel like you can work through this or not. Then, decide if you want to break up or stay together. It’s okay to get advice from other people, but make the decision that feels right to you.
Forgive him so you can feel better. Take as much time as you need to forgive. Then, do it so that you feel better, not for him. When you feel ready, tell him that he’s forgiven or write it in a letter that you never send. This will help you move on. You might say to him, “What you did hurt me so much, but I’ve chosen to forgive you and move on.” Forgiving him is not about forgetting what happened or saying it’s okay. It’s your way of telling him that you aren’t going to let him affect your future.
Focus on the future if you want to rebuild the relationship. If you want to work things out, you’ll have to leave the cheating episode in the past. That means not bringing it up when you’re angry or feel hurt by him. Do your best to focus on your future together, not your past. For instance, you might be tempted to accuse him of cheating every time he’s late. If you do this, it’ll ruin your relationship.
Restore the trust you lost when he cheated. It’ll take time to get the trust back in your relationship, but it’s possible. Work with him to rebuild your trust by talking every day and spending more time together. Additionally, follow through on your promises and hold him accountable for his. For instance, if he promises to take you on a date, remind him to do so. Similarly, if he promises to text you at certain times of the day, text him if he forgets.
Break up with him if you decide to end the relationship. It might be best for you to break up with your cheating boyfriend, especially if he’s cheated more than once. If you make the decision to break up with him, talk to him in person. Tell him how you feel and that you think it’s time for you to end the relationship and focus on your future. Say, “After you cheated, my feelings for you changed. I’m really hurt and angry over what happened, and I can’t be in this relationship anymore. I’m ending this so I can focus on my happiness.” Tip: If he’s cheating on your continuously, it’s best for you to end things and move on. Right now, he’s not ready to be faithful to someone, and you deserve better. You will find someone who’s a better match for you, so let him go.
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