Being Likable in Everyday Conversation
Be respectful and polite to everyone you meet. This means your friends, complete strangers and, most importantly, yourself! If you act judgmental or with a dismissive attitude towards other people, they will most likely return the same negative feelings towards you. Making others feel welcomed and appreciated will go a long way towards your success in making friends. Interact with strangers nicely and calmly, request favors patiently, respond to others promptly and remember your pleases and thank-you's. Remember that everyone you're interacting with is human, too. Just because you're paying someone to wait on your table doesn't give you the right to be rude; treat them like you'd want to be treated if you were in their position. As J.K. Rowling put it, "It's easier to see what someone is really like by how they treat their inferiors, not their equals."
Be confident. People like to be around others who are sure of themselves without being arrogant. Be confident in who you are without constantly stepping on others' toes. A healthy level of confidence is knowing you're pretty great, but that there's always someone better than you. If you always criticize yourself and seem to be unhappy with who you are, you run the risk of people feeling the same way about you. After all, if you aren't pleased with yourself, why should others be? The other side of the coin is just as bad -- too cocky and people will think you like yourself so much that no one else needs to. The aim is contentment, not excessive pride.
Be honest, but do so gently. It is particularly important to be honest to your friends and people who solicit you for advice. Usually, people can tell when someone is lying and fake; insincere people are not well-liked. People you want to be around should not tolerate liars. When someone asks, "Does this make me look fat?" (yes, it's a cliché, but it's a classic example), make your comments gently, framed in a way that is unlikely to upset them. If you know your fashion, tell them WHY. They're sure to trust you knowing that you were honest and appreciate that you're helping them. It is a trickier idea to be brutally honest with someone who does not solicit your advice. Bringing up a comment like that can either generate appreciative responses or offended looks, depending on the person's personality, so judge the situation at your own risk. You should probably avoid initiating negative comments, no matter how truthful, with people whom you are not closely acquainted or good friends with.
Listen. There is not a single person on this planet who feels like they receive too much attention (a single person not constantly followed by paparazzi at least). When we humans engage in conversation, most of us are looking for someone to be genuinely interested in what we have to say -- the input of the other is secondary. Don't think you're being boring! You're letting the other person feel good about themselves. It's important to listen actively, though. If someone is going on and on about the most effective way to wash their dog, glazing over, while tempting, is not being a good listener. Try to engage your entire self at all times -- your eyes, the nodding of your head, commenting and questioning, and the positioning of your body -- it should all be focused on them.
Ask questions. A huge part of being a good conversationalist (and when you're listening) is asking questions. A social jiu-jitsu master has someone walking away after a conversation feeling good and not realizing they didn't learn a dang thing about the other person because they were talking so much. Be that person. Ask who, why, or how. The other will feel appreciated, liked, and go on a spiel that takes the pressure off you. And they'll like you for it. Keep everything open-ended. If Jill from the office says, "God, I just spend hours on this freakin' Powerpoint," jump in! Ask her what it was for, why it took longer than normal, or how she did the research. Even a bias topic like a Powerpoint can start a good conversation where Jill feels paid attention to.
Use their name. One of the tenants of Dale Carnegie's massively successfully "How to Win Friends and Influence People" is to use a person's name in conversation. Hearing our own name activates a region in our brains that remains dormant at any other sound and we love it. Our names are our identity and conversing with someone who uses it makes us feel like our identity is acknowledged. So the next time you're speaking to that acquaintance, slip their name in. Odds are they'll feel a bond to you that may not exist otherwise. This is fairly easy to do. The most obvious way is to add it on to your greeting. "Hey, Rob, how are you?" is much more personal than, "Hey, how are you?" And if you're close enough to Rob to say, "Hey, Rockin' Robby D! How are you, man?" that works, too. Apart from greetings, it can be inserted casually just about anywhere. Initiating a conversation -- "What do you think of this for my desktop, Rob?" -- or just as a comment, "Rob, you're being ridiculous again." Rob will practically feel like your best friend.
Know your audience. Odds are you know people from a few different social groups. Getting the Plastics at high school to like you (if they're capable of actually liking people) is a much different path than getting your engineering classmates at Harvard to call you up on a Friday night. So know who you're dealing with. What do they like? What do they seem to value? What interests them? If you want to be genuinely liked (being popular and being liked are not the same thing), you're in luck: generally, humans all like the same qualities. And no, wealth and attractiveness aren't high up on the list. Trustworthiness, honesty, warmth and kindness are, in a recent study, the highest rated, most valued qualities (across the board of relationships), while extraversion, intelligence and sense of humor come in close behind.
Recognize reciprocation. You can ask all the questions you want, be super polite, say all the right things, and sometimes people still won't be having it. If every time you walk up to Johnny he miraculously gets a phone call, take the hint. Spend your resources elsewhere. This will happen -- there's no pleasing everyone. While it's very important to put in effort, put it in where it's due. Relationships are a give and take. If you're constantly the one making the effort, sending the texts, going out of your way to be nice and friendly, take a look at the situation. If there's an explanation (the person is going through a hard time, they work 60 hours a week, etc.), then you may have to do the brunt of the work. But if they're responsive to other people but don't seem to have the time for you, go elsewhere. You can't be friends with everyone.
Make them laugh. Everyone and their brother appreciates the person who can ease the tension in the room and make them laugh. A good sense of humor can go a long, long way. When people know you're playful and looking to have a good time, they want to join in. It's also a great way to be approachable because people know what to say (they want to be liked just as much as you do) -- they can joke with you, too! Win, win, win. If once in a while people have to laugh at you, great! If you can laugh too, you're good to go. That shows you're down-to-earth and not overly concerned with your image -- two very good things. And research even shows that embarrassing yourself makes people like and trust you more -- you become a real person. Makes sense, doesn't it?
Mastering Likeable Body Language
Remember to smile! You emanate a good vibe with this simple gesture, and you can improve the mood of everyone around you. Even if you don't feel particularly joyous or are stuck in a mood slump, the voluntary action of your muscles turning up into a smile can sometimes trigger feelings of lightheartedness and happiness. Think of happy thoughts or past moments that did make you grin to help trigger a genuine smile. If nothing else, people will be wondering what the heck you're smiling about! It takes more facial muscles to frown than to smile -- and for good reason! Everyone should be smiling more often than frowning.
Open up. The fact of the matter is that everyone wants to be liked. Everyone. It's simple logic -- the more liked you are, the easier life is. Because everyone's fighting the same battle you are, help them out a little. Be approachable (when you're not doing the approaching yourself -- which you may have to do). Smile, uncross your arms, and set down your phone. The world is in front of you. What will come to you if you let it? Think about the people you want to be friends with. Odds are an adjective you wouldn't use to describe them is "surly." If you want to pull your half of the weight in making a friend, be sure your vibe is welcoming. Keep your body relaxed, seem engaged in your environment, and notice people. Half the battle, really.
Make eye contact. Have you ever been talking to someone and their eyes seem to wander around the room to everything but you? That's a pretty crappy feeling -- as soon as you notice it, it's tempting to just shut up then and there and see if they snap out of it. Don't be that guy. If someone is saying something offhand, it's fine to lapse (you don't want to start a staring contest), but if they really care about the topic at hand, give them your attention. You'd want it, too! Some people have issues with eye contact -- they just can't really do it. If this is you, try tricking yourself and looking at the bridge of their nose or their eyebrows. People tend to get a little disconcerted when you don't look at them, so trick them and trick you by staying in the vicinity of their orbital bones.
Mirror them. A known way of subconsciously increasing rapport between two parties is mirroring or mimicry -- where both end up with the same stance, facial expression, weight distribution, overall body position, etc. Consider toying with this when you're in conversation -- a perceived "sameness" can go a long way. However, as it's supposed to be subconscious, don't mess with it too much -- you could become preoccupied! This is generally good when working with peers -- not when you're working with superiors. Recent research has said that the adverse effect can take place -- feelings of coldness, etc. -- when the two subjects aren't in an appropriate scenario (dealing with money, job issues, and so forth). So keep it to that group of friends you want to get closer to and not your boss.
Show deference. Odds are at some point in your lifetime someone stressed the importance of keeping your shoulders back, your head high, and having a firm handshake. While these definitely have their place (like a job interview), making friends and getting people to like you isn't exactly the place for it. Your body should be relaxed, not squared off. Show that you're not challenging the other person. Think of greeting someone. In that video where Bill Clinton and Nelson Mandela meet (two people that have the right to think they're each a pretty big deal), both show deference -- a slight lean-in and step forward, using the free arm for extra touch, smiling. They're conveying that they respect and like the other -- which goes a long way to being liked in return.
Use the power of touch. Humans need other humans to survive and, of course, be happy. Babies that aren't touched enough don't thrive. That doesn't exactly go away in adulthood! If you want to form a more concrete bond with someone, find small opportunities for touch. Appropriate touch, of course! A brush of the arm or shoulder or even a high-five. Those small moments get turned into connections when touch is added. Think of someone walking up to you and saying, "Hi! How are you?" Now imagine that same person walking up to you and saying, "[Your name]! How are you?" and lightly touching your arm as they pass. Which greeting left you feeling a bit warmer on the inside? Probably the second one, huh? Use that. It doesn't cost a thing.
Thinking the Part
Like people. Straight up, the easiest way to get someone to like you is to like them. Not exactly rocket science, is it? Surely you've been around someone who just didn't seem to give a hoot about whether you were there or not. And you've probably been around the opposite too -- people who make you feel appreciated and are quite clearly glad you're there. Which do you like more, even if you can't explain it? You can't expect people to like you if you can't say the same for yourself. Odds are you do like the people you want to like you (why else would you care?) so make it clear! Smile when they walk in the room. Make conversation. Comment on a detail they mentioned last Wednesday to show you were listening. The little things will tune them into your genuineness.
Be positive. Everyone wants to be around the person that has that sunny disposition that lights up the entire room. And the opposite rings true -- no one wants to be around Debbie Downer. To get people to like you, be positive. That means smiling, being enthusiastic, happy, and looking on the bright side. You probably know someone like this who you can emulate. This is very much so a 24/7 thing. It's gonna be hard to be positive in front of people when you're negative by yourself. You have to train your brain to have certain habits -- positivity being one of them. Try to always think positive even when you're alone; that way it can become old hat in no time. Know when to commiserate. There is a certain level of bonding that can be had over group complaining. Talking to your coworkers about how terrible the new boss is will foster friendship -- but if it's all you do, you'll be associated with negativity. Use the complaining sparingly and use it only to relate -- not to spark conversation or turn it around.
Think of your unique strengths and explore opportunities for showcasing them. What talent or trait do friends admire in you? Show them to the world! People are naturally drawn to those with passions and abilities. It makes us useful, valuable, and interesting. Whatever it is, wear your flag proudly. If you are a good singer, get up on karaoke night and entertain the room. A good baker? Bring a treat to the office. A painter? Invite a group to your showing or simply hang something in the communal area. Let people see your personality to get to know you a bit better.
Most importantly, remember to be yourself. It's impossible to get everyone to like you -- differing personalities will inevitably result in some clash at some point of your life -- but you will earn the admiration of those who are compatible with you and those who matter. People like others who come off as sincere and genuine, so avoid taking steps to change so far that you are uncomfortable with your actions. Faking anything may be a red flag to those who are tuned in. Mean everything you say and do. If you want people to like you, you'll have good intentions and be fine. EXPERT TIP Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and head clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over 18 years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the treatment of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Bachelor of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw University, a Master in Teaching (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is also a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained as a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Anxiety Treatment Professional (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Society of America and The National Association of Social Workers. Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Rebecca Tenzer, MAT, MA, LCSW, CCTP, CGCS, CCATP, CCFP Clinical Therapist & Adjunct Professor Becoming liked means being yourself and showing kindness. To seem more likable, focus on being yourself, being confident, listening well, being kind and respectful. Develop hobbies and passions you love. Use humor carefully. Being empathetic, staying positive, helping people, and including others can make you more well-liked and popular with others.
Know that others are only momentarily impressed by the superficial. They sincerely like the genuine. So while that Coach purse or those six-pack abs might get you a fan or two, it won't be that meaningful and it certainly won't last. It's tempting to think being attractive will make people like you -- and it will, but only to a point. You need the goods to back it up. If people find out you're a lying scumbag, they'll drop you like a sack of potatoes regardless of what you look like. In a recent study, people were asked what qualities they thought others looked for in friends and relationships. Money, appearance, and status were pretty high up there. But when they were asked what they valued, they answered with things like honest, warmth, and kindness. Society tells us (wrongfully so) that looks and money are more important than anything else and deep down we know it's not true. If you want people to actually like you, worry about the inside of your book, not the cover. That being said, it's important to be hygienic. People won't likely give you the time of day if you smell like you're fresh off the manure farm. Even if you have the personality of Mother Theresa and Bill Cosby's lovechild, you'll probably be given the cold shoulder. So take a shower, brush your teeth, look in the mirror before you leave, and then go out there with a smile.
Recognize that you'll feel vulnerable. Wanting to be liked puts you at the mercy of everyone else. Going outside of your box to get this accomplished will make you feel a bit uneasy. The actions you undertake will feel scary. This is good. This is challenging. This promotes growth. As long as you still feel you're being yourself, you're only building on your character, improving it. It may be scary, but it'll be worth it. There's a difference between wanting people to like you and needing to be liked in order to be happy. Your self-image should not be based on the approval of others; that will leave you hurting in no time. But if you are comfortable with yourself and just want to be well-received, that's respectable. People will see that and respond. That scare-factor will go away with time.
Control your insecurities. Most people are turned off by people who can't turn off their insecurities. Saying something like, "It's okay...it's good enough for me" or constantly commenting on how fat or ugly you are gives off the red light that you don't like you. That personal negativity isn't becoming on anyone. So leave it at the door. It's not good for you and it's not good for your friendships. Insecurities are what we call the feelings we get and the behavior we display when we're uncomfortable with ourselves. If you're uncomfortable with yourself, it puts a damper on the entire room and plenty of people aren't going to deal with that. Don't worry about coming off as humble or arrogant. Say things like they are. You have worth. We all do.
Know that you can control your thoughts. Negativity can be learned and unlearned; no one says, "Gosh, my baby is just so negative. If positivity is an issue for you, luckily you're the only one who can change it! Your brain is plastic and it can be trained. You just gotta buckle down and do it. The simplest way to start is to stop. Stop the negativity in its track. When you catch yourself thinking something bad about yourself, don't finish the thought. Replace it with something a little more realistic and positive. You'll feel better, too. Turn "I'm so fat" into "I'd like to lose a little weight. How might I go about doing that?" and a new train of thought will start. So get on board.
Be unconcerned with others' preconceived ideas. We've covered how confidence is a very, very likeable trait, and being unconcerned with how you present yourself goes along those same lines. When you start self-presenting, people will notice. Think of the guy at the party who's "peacocking." He's trying to strut his machismo for the entire room to notice. It's not attractive. It's disingenuous and, quite frankly, it's sad; he doesn't think who he naturally is is good enough. Don't be that guy. Whether you're a dork or a hipster or a jock, it doesn't matter. If people have the idea that your penchant for sparkly nail polish means you're an idiot, let 'em be wrong. If they think your veganism makes you a liberal loony toon, great. Hilarious even. People are gonna judge you -- let 'em. They can think what they want. It shouldn't have any effect on you.
Adopting Likable Habits
Be warm and kind. You know why shy people get a bad rap? Because people mistake their shyness for being cold and aloof. Those are two qualities that really intimidate people and turn them off. So be the opposite! Being warm and kind are highly valued in any society -- it shows you have the other person's interests in mind and want the best for them. Who wouldn't like that? Initiate random acts of kindness. Do things for other people, even if you don't know them. Hold a door when going in or out of a building, pick something up for a stranger when they drop it, and offer to take a picture for a group who looks like they're trying to take one. This type of selfless giving inspires others to do the same in return -- not just for you, but for others in their life as well.
Be extroverted...to a point. Generally speaking, people value a certain level of extroversion. It makes sense: we all want conversation and being social to be easy and extroverts lessen the risk of awkwardness. If you sit mutely at the table not contributing, well, you might as well be somewhere else. Chime in! Let your voice be heard. How else will people find out you're valuable? However, if you know you're guilty of not being able to put a lid on it, so to speak, you may want to tone it down. While everyone likes a good conversationalist, they are not looking to spend their time with someone who won't let them get a word in edgewise. If the last 5 points that were made were yours, back off a bit. The other person might not be the type that will jump in; they may need an invitation. Ask them their opinions to share the spotlight with you.
Don't be a suck up. People like likable people, not people who are dying to be liked. If you're constantly complimenting them and following them around like a puppy dog, you won't get what you want. As much as you're being nice, you'll be viewed as a pesky gnat that needs to get swatted away. Avoid being the clingy, needy one. If you stay attentive, you'll be able to see the clues. If someone doesn't return your calls, engages in niceties only, doesn't make much of an effort -- and you're constantly hounding them to hang out, you might be a suck up. While you have good intentions, being desperate isn't attractive. Back off and see if they come around.
Ask for favors. If you've ever heard of the Benjamin Franklin effect, you'll know where this is going. Turns out we often take cues from our own behavior to determine how we think. If you do something nice for someone, you'll like them more. If you hurt someone, you'll like them less. It's all about cognitive dissonance. So ask for a favor -- if the other person does it for you, they may end up liking you more. The idea here is that we subconsciously look at our behavior and ask ourselves why we did it. Why did we loan that acquaintance of ours our favorite coffee mug? Well, gee...must be because we like them. Light bulb! Funnily enough, deciding we like someone is no different than actually liking them.
Keep your promises. Make sure you can follow through on all your commitments. They're called "commitments" because you've committed to making the effort for that task or event, so don't back out last-minute. If breaking a commitment is unavoidable, let everyone else involved know as soon as you are aware that you cannot make it. It may still be annoying to the other parties, but at least they expect it and can adjust their schedules as necessary. Whether it's making it to dinner or finishing up a project, it's important to keep your friends and co-workers in the loop about your progress. Whether it's a quick email to say everything's on track or a note apologizing for unexpected delays, people appreciate communication. Not knowing what's going on can be extremely frustrating, even if the project is ultimately completed on time and in top-notch quality.
Stand up for your beliefs without preaching them. To be liked you gotta have personality. No one would argue with that. Part of having personality is having beliefs, opinions, and standards. Express those! They're part of you. They liven up the room. If we all had the same ones, life would be incredibly boring. Chip in your two cents. It could spark something interesting. Standing up for your beliefs is one thing; preaching them is another. If you don't agree with someone's stance on a topic, great! Explore it. Talk about it. Have an intellectual discussion on your opposing viewpoints. You two will both learn something. Instead of shutting them down, telling them they're wrong, and preaching your own ideas, open your mind and try to see their point of view. Maybe you'll realize something, too.
Know that it's more important to keep people happy than anything else. People are sensitive creatures. If someone you know starts spouting off about how the Easter Bunny is the long lost son of Jesus Christ and you really want them to like you, don't make a scene about how they must be inbred. Let them be. The same thing goes if someone says something like, "I really think my best quality is how amazingly down-to-earth I am. I mean, all my actions are humble and selfless." That's not an opportunity to call them out on their raging arrogance and lack of self-awareness. Again, it's only if you want to be liked by these people. After enough comments on how great a person is, you're totally entitled to lose your cool. But if you're still new to the person/group, it's sometimes best to just go with the flow.
Give compliments. Everyone looks for reaffirmation. We want to be told we're good-looking, smart, funny, have it going on, etc. We can barely be told it enough. So when that one person comes up and says something positive about us, it can make our day. Think of this: some people go their entire lives without hearing anything positive about them. Change that. It'll take two seconds of your time. Be genuine. Don't walk up to someone and tell them you like their khaki pants. Make it meaningful. Make it something about them. It can be something as simple as "that's a great idea." Often the smaller ones are more thoughtful (and more believable). "You're hilarious" after a joke or "that article you wrote was really insightful; it really got me thinking." Whatever you say, mean it. You'll probably get something back.
Make the effort. Most people aren't social butterflies. We'd love some attention, but we don't really know how to go about getting it. We all feel vulnerable in social situations and we all want to minimize that. Recognizing that everyone else is in the same boat you are will help you realize that making the effort isn't an odd thing -- it's just the brave thing. Everyone else wants to, they're just complacent. If there's someone you'd like to be friends with, start talking to them. It could be just the thing they were waiting for. It's impossible to be liked if you're not really a factor at all. Often we feel like we're not liked when really, people don't have feelings one way or another -- and that's because we haven't put ourselves out there. Next time you're in a group of people you'd like to feel liked with, show your personality. Make the effort to fill a role in the group. Crack a joke, a smile, initiate a simple conversation. It'll springboard from there.
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