Dealing with a Young Tattletale
Explain “tattling” versus “telling”. If your sibling is very young, expect them to not understand the difference between the two, especially if they are between four and nine years old. Sit your sibling down for a talk, either before they run to your parents or sometime afterward, once they have calmed down. Spell out in plain words how one is different from the other: ”Telling” on someone is when you see them doing something that is seriously wrong, like hurting someone else, hurting themselves, or behaving in a way that may end up hurting someone, such as playing in a busy street. ”Tattling” on someone is when you gripe to your parents about every little thing, like seeing someone playing a forbidden video game or coming home two minutes after curfew. Open the conversation gently so they don't feel defensive. For example: “Tara, I'm not mad, but do you mind if we talk about something?”
Explain the impact of tattling. Tell your sister or brother how their tattling can irritate people. Explain how it can hurt their relationships over time by leading people to form a poor opinion of them. Use your parents and your sibling's peers as examples. For instance: Explain how your parents will grow tired of listening to what your sibling has to say if they tattle all the time: “Do you know how you get tired of Mom and Dad telling you to clean your room over and over? Well, Mom and Dad get tired of hearing us complain about each other over and over again, too.” Warn how your sibling's classmates and neighborhood friends will stop including them if your sibling rats them out all the time: “You wouldn't want to hang out with me if I got you into trouble every time we played together, would you? Well, kids at school are going to feel the same way.”
Be helpful, not hurtful. As you tell all this to your sibling, make it clear that you are having this talk for their benefit, not yours. Do not use this opportunity to berate them for what they have done. Present this as advice, not a reprimand, so they are more likely to listen. Keep in mind that yelling at them will probably make them defensive and less receptive. Use examples from your own life to a) demonstrate how snitching can backfire on you, and b) assure your little sibling that you are speaking to them as an equal.
Appeal to their desire to be a “big” kid. Share your parents' hopes that you will both grow up into people who can take care of themselves. Emphasize that “big kids” should be able to resolve problems on their own without running to your parents. Tell them that, when somebody does something that your sibling thinks is wrong, they should try to think of how they can fix things without bothering Mom and Dad. Warn them that they might not like the solution 100%. For instance, say their friend, Bill, hogs all of his own toys whenever they play together. One solution may be to stop playing with Bill for a while in order to teach him a lesson. They may not like doing this at first, so explain how it will make Bill realize that refusing to share has consequences in the long run. Practice kindness when speaking. Even if they are bothering you, remember they are probably doing this because they want to be a part of your world. Being kind and speaking to your siblings with respect shows them they should do the same for you.
Be patient. Remember that your younger sibling is little. Appreciate the fact that they are too young to take this one talk to heart right away. Expect them to backslide and tattle afterward. When they do, resist the urge to get mad. Pull them aside later on and ask them in a friendly, concerned way if they remembered this talk. Then offer possible ways that the two of you could have resolved this last instance on your own. Let's say they snitched on you for coming home late after hanging out with your friends: First, ask them if anyone got hurt because of it. When they say no, reiterate how this means that “coming home late” isn't something to run to Mom or Dad about. Then explain how, if the two of you had agreed to keep it to yourselves, you would also feel obligated to keep your mouth if you caught them doing something wrong. Also explain to your sibling that it doesn't always have to be your fault; you may be late because of the busy road you couldn't cross because of the cars or because of your broken watch.
Improving Your Relationship with Older Siblings
Ask them why they snitch. Find out for sure if they are truly worried about you. If not, ask them why they feel it is necessary to tell your parents every little thing that you do wrong. If all of your offenses are really very minor, expect the reason for your sibling's tattling to be either: A belief that they are punished more than you for being “bad.” A desire to be seen, heard, and rewarded. A defensive tactic to redirect attention away from their own bad behavior. Do your best to truly listen to their answers. Get ready for a million questions, because they probably have them. Listen to what concerns them and what is bothering them. Then, you might be able to figure out a way to improve the situation.
Remedy the situation as best you can. Set aside your own frustrations. Imagine your family life from their perspective. Ask yourself if their complaints are valid. If so, work together to come up with ways to improve matters. For instance: Offer to talk with your parents about how your sibling is treated more harshly. If that doesn't work, make a point of being their ally. Do favors to improve their situation, like relaxing rules when you're babysitting or smuggling goods for your sibling when they are grounded. Spend more time with them if they feel overlooked. If your parents tend to talk more about your own achievements at dinner or with people outside your family, mention your sibling's to even the score so they feel recognized. Be interested in them. Everyone is unique and your sibling is no exception. Find out what makes them tick. Let them entertain you, and you might even learn something from them. Join forces if they are only ratting on you to keep your parents' focus away from them. As long as their own high-jinks are relatively minor, become co-conspirators with ready-made alibis!
Mind what you discuss with your parents. Obviously, don't snitch on your sibling if you want them to stop tattling on you. Additionally, as you grow older, beware of your parents confiding in you more and more regarding your sibling, as though you were your parents' equal and not your brother or sister's. Expect your sibling to resent this, even if your parents were the ones who started the conversation. When the topic turns toward your sibling, decide whether you should disengage. Ask yourself: Is the vein of talk positive or negative? If I overheard my sibling and parents having this conversation about me, would I be upset? Are my parents asking me for specific help with my sibling, or are they just complaining about them?
Resist type-casting your sibling. Even though you are trying to improve your relationship with a sibling who snitches, avoid backing them into a corner and framing them as “The Snitch.” Allow them the room to grow out of this behavior by leaving labels out of it. Also, avoid blinding yourself to their improvement should they grow out of this habit. Avoid labels in general, since these may warp your perception of each other and lead to strained relationships in the future as you outgrow these roles with age. Remember: there is a difference between tattling and telling. A sibling who used to tattle on you might have a valid reason to inform your parents about behavior that genuinely concerns them later on.
Move forward. Let go of grudges from past fights, disagreements, and betrayals. Whether your sibling is younger or older than you, recognize that they are older than their past selves and no longer that exact person. Give them the benefit of the doubt and assume that they have matured. Clear the air by opening a conversation about conflicts that have stuck with both of you so you can bury them for good. Keep the conversation lighthearted, with an air of “I can't believe that happened.” Always use the past tense to show that you have moved on and no longer consider either of you as “that person.” Practice what you wish to say beforehand so you can ride the wave of any pent-up emotions on your own, rather than risk getting tripped up by them during your talk.
Highlighting Your Strengths
Prove that you are mature. If your sibling does not relent in snitching on you, counteract this by presenting yourself to your parents as a capable kid who keeps their priorities straight. Do your homework and chores without being prodded. Volunteer to take on more responsibilities around the house. Demonstrate that helping out your family is important to you. Make a point of getting as much done when your parents aren't there. Convince them that you spend your time wisely when unsupervised. Engage them in conversation at home to prove that your relationship with them is important to you. Present your best self in public. Address other adults politely and behave respectfully when watched so that it is your sibling's word versus everyone else's.
Be the bigger person. When your sibling tattles on you, resist the urge to start a fight over it. Avoid confessing your guilt by mistake in a heated exchange with your sibling. Instead, treat their snitching as a non-issue that is too beneath you to even acknowledge. Create the impression that you are the more mature one, even if their tattling leads to you being caught.
Apologize sincerely. Accept responsibility for your actions, rather than shifting the blame onto your sibling for snitching. Lessen your parents' disappointment in you by acting mature. Even though you have been found out, trust that facing your punishment like an adult will leave a better impression than your sibling's tattletale behavior.
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