Give each other some space.
Cool off after your disagreement and let yourselves reflect. Before you both leave, take a deep breath and hug your husband. Reassurance is important after sensitive conversations, so remind him that you’ll come back to the topic. You can just say that you need some time alone to sort out your thoughts. Then, you can take care of yourself and go to a place that you find calming and comforting. Try out some grounding exercises and relax. As you leave, you can make a truthful but comforting comment like: “I’m a little upset now. I love you. I’m going to go walk the dog.” Express your emotions before you leave. Say if you’re sad or upset. Use a neutral tone of voice so he knows how you feel. He’ll appreciate that you’re honest with him. Let your husband unwind in a way that’s best for him. He might want to play video games, go for a drive, or read a book. Respect his process for decompressing.
Choose a day when you two can talk it all out.
Agree on the best day to have an in-depth chat about your marriage. Find a moment to sit down with each other, then compare your schedules. To include both of your concerns, make a list or agenda of what you both want to talk about in advance. It’s best to come back together when you’re relaxed, so it’s completely fine to reschedule if you both would have more energy later. You’ll both benefit from a sense of direction in the conversation and feel that you’re prioritizing each other. “How about this Saturday at 2 P.M.? You’ll be done at the gym and I’ll be finished with my project.” “Let’s talk about our chore and sleep schedule on Friday. I’ll write that on a Post-It right now and put it on the fridge.” “Hey, we both seem exhausted. Wanna sit down and talk tomorrow, instead?”
Ask questions about the problem.
Say you’re curious about your husband’s perspective and let him talk first. If your first question inspires him to talk for a long time, let him continue. You might ask about why he didn’t make the bed, and he could explain that a morning run is really important to him. If he just gives short replies, ask follow-up questions about his feelings. Check in about how you can help fix what he’s struggling with. When he opens up about all that’s on his mind, he can be vulnerable. “Hey, I’m more interested in what you have to say right now.” “Let me ask a different question. Do you feel like you have a good work-life balance lately?” When you provide your husband a chance to speak free of interruptions, he’s likely to open up and feel supported.
Listen to each other’s opinions.
Take turns when you both share your views to show respect to each other. Ask each other who will speak first, then make sure the other spouse can respond. To create a dynamic where you both feel heard, it’s important to acknowledge what your partner has said. When you repeat what he’s said, you use “active listening” skills, ways to show you’re fully engaged. Then, let him return the favor. You’ll both strengthen your bond and have a deeper appreciation of each other. “Thank you for sharing that. Can I tell you what I heard there?” “I really appreciate you listening to my side of the story. And you’re right, that’s exactly how I felt when you said that.” According to one study about communication in relationships, it’s best to “listen to understand.” Both of you should think about how the other feels and how each of you sees a situation.
Decide what can be changed and what needs to stay the same.
List what your boundaries are to protect each other’s needs. Talk about what you can be relaxed about and what you can adapt or adjust to. For instance, maybe you’ll decide it’s okay to wake up to his alarm clock since you have time to sleep in during the morning. Then, discuss the values and requirements you both have. He might function best with three hours of alone time a night. When you embrace both wiggle room and lines you two draw, you’ll feel honored as individuals. “I don’t need to grind coffee beans in the morning. I can stock the fridge with cold brew.” “I really need the house to be quiet by 10 P.M. Can you use headphones when I go to bed?” “I respect that creativity is important to you. We can turn the spare room into a studio.”
Make requests and use “I feel” statements.
Talk about your own experiences to create a calm dynamic. To cut back on stressors that really affect you, suggest some compromises. For example, you can request that he go to the grocery store if he finishes what’s left in the fridge, or he can ask that you text him before your parents visit. Open up about your emotions and your personal view with “I-statements.” “I-statements” let you both talk about how you see situations and help make your spouse feel like your ally. “Can I request that we go to the movies on Friday nights? I love quality time with you.” “Will you please go to the family reunion with me? I really enjoy having you on my arm.” “I feel overwhelmed right now. Can you hold me?”
Come up with a creative compromise together.
Design a solution that factors in both of your needs. In some cases where you’re willing to adjust a lot for your partner’s happiness, you can create an option where one spouse gets everything they asked for. In other situations where both of you need extra help achieving what you want, you two can meet each other half-way. Lastly, you both might not change a pattern at all. In that scenario, you both can learn about what really matters to the other partner. Celebrate your marriage as a way to express your generosity. A 100% compromise would look like: “Okay. I’d prefer a simple lawn that’s easy to deal with. However, if you agree to do the yardwork, we can have a rose garden.” A 50% compromise would look like: “I don’t want you to light wax candles in the bedroom, but you can decorate with LED candles.” A 0% compromise would look like: “Your friends are really rowdy when they come over on Friday, but it’s important for you to have a social life, so you don’t have to change a thing.”
Wait a while before you bring up a topic again.
Wait up to 6 months to talk about hot-button issues again. It’s a great conflict management strategy to step away from emotionally charged subjects. To give yourselves time to let the issue sit, decide on a clear period of time, like a few weeks or several months. You and your husband will have a wonderful opportunity to bond and connect with each other instead. Either you’ll both learn that the topic you disagreed about wasn’t a big deal at all, or you’ll come back to it with a lot more patience. “Let’s table this discussion for a couple of weeks. My main focus is to feel close again!” “Moving would be a huge transition. Let’s put any big decisions off for a few months.” “Let’s just use the holidays to bond, okay? We can talk about that after New Year’s.”
Reach out to a couples counselor.
Schedule a session where a third party can offer impartial support. Search for a licensed professional together and find one who is ideal for both of you. Attend your appointments together so you both can learn about your styles of communication. In order to get honest feedback from your counselor, talk openly about any disagreements in your marriage. To get the most out of your sessions, you and your husband should finish any activities or “homework” your counselor recommends. You’ll both learn new communication tools backed by lots of research and experience. Talk about a budget and a time investment that you both find fair. Share how much money you’re both willing to spend on couples counseling and how many sessions you both want. You both can supplement couples counseling with sessions you attend alone.
Revisit an issue with a fresh perspective.
After waiting to talk, come back together and discuss how you feel. Ask your husband to sit down with you and reconnect. If you just waited for a few months, check in and see if the time off from the disagreement was helpful. If you both attended couples counseling, ask if he feels supported or relieved. Share what you’ve learned after a period of reflection. By following up with each other, you both say your marriage is important and that you’re patient with it. “You know, after all these months, I’ve decided I’m totally okay with moving.” “It’s been really fun taking time off to bond with you. I still feel strongly about having a lot of alone time, but now I know we should prioritize date nights, too.” “I’m really glad we went to that counselor. I really like what they said about talking about our patterns. Now, I know to tell you when I’m stressed with work.”
Say you’re grateful for him.
Remind your husband that you value communicating with him. Thank him for all the steps he took to strengthen your marriage. Reflect on the strategies that were the most helpful. To show that you’re interested in his takeaways, ask him what he learned about you, himself, and a supportive partnership. Once he’s shared, tell him you’re committed to the life you’ve built together. Now, after all that hard but rewarding work, express hope for all the unique and mature ways you’ll both handle disagreements in the future! “I am so lucky that you’re in my life. Thanks for sticking with me through all this and coming up with some compromises.” “You’re so awesome. I’m glad I learned so much about you over all these months. I’ve always got your back!” “We have such a bright future ahead of us. I really look forward to all our talks!”
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