What is benching in relationships?
Benching is when someone is sidelined by a partner as a backup plan. In the dating world, “benching” is similar to stringing someone along–you like the person enough to keep texting and DMing them, but they aren’t your first choice for a serious partner. The person being benched is given just enough time and attention to keep their hopes up, but they’re essentially a “backup” in case other dating options don’t work out. ”Benching” in dating is a reference to “benching” in sports, which is when a player is not in the starting lineup and sits on the bench for most (or all) of the game. The player sits on the sidelines and watches, but isn’t allowed to participate–unless another player is injured or removed from the game. In relationships, “benching” someone is considered cruel because it keeps the person in a prolonged state of uncertainty. They can’t move on because they’re holding out hope for a relationship, but in reality, they’re wasting their time–the other person doesn’t consider them a serious option.
Signs of Being “Benched” in a Relationship
Sudden decrease in contact One of the earliest signs of being benched is when the other person suddenly stops texting and calling as much. They typically won’t provide any explanation, or they’ll make vague or half-hearted excuses about their schedule being “packed” or work being “crazy.” Any conversations you do manage to have with them feel extremely one-sided. Keep in mind there are lots of valid reasons why someone might not be texting you back. Being super busy isn’t always an excuse–sometimes people really are going through it or dealing with a lot in their lives.
Sporadic communication As if the sudden decrease in contact isn’t jarring enough, someone that is “benching” you will often disappear for a while and then restart a text convo out of the blue–days, weeks, or even months later. They give you just enough attention to get your hopes up about making a real romantic connection, and then disappear yet again. Pay attention to when they show back up–it’s not always random. For example, if you make it clear that you’re moving on or start going on dates with other people, this might trigger them to reach out. They don’t want to lose their backup option, so they’ll say or do just enough to get you interested again.
Noncommittal or vague plans During one of their sporadic communication phases, they’ll probably make loose plans with you (“we should get coffee soon”) or agree to hang out (“let’s get together this weekend”) without ever really nailing down the details. Then, when you try to solidify a date or meet up with them IRL, they’ll flake out. This can be really hurtful and confusing, especially if it keeps happening repeatedly.
Lack of relationship progress No matter what you do, the relationship feels stalled–you’re treading water and nothing ever moves forward with them. Even when you do hear from them or see them, they always seem to disappear again, usually right after you start getting your hopes up. They may even claim they “just want to be friends,” but they’ll still flirt with you or say things that indicate a relationship might still be possible.
What to Do If You’re Being Benched
Be straightforward and upfront about what you want. If you haven’t told them that you’re looking for a serious commitment, they may think carrying on a casual relationship with you is totally fine. It’s best to be honest about what you want so the other person can make informed decisions about how they interact with you. If they know you’re looking for a commitment and continue to “bench” you, that’s pretty unfair and toxic behavior.
Limit the amount of chances you give them. There’s nothing wrong with giving someone a second chance (or even a third chance), but beyond that, you have to ask yourself–is this an unhealthy pattern that I want to continue? If you feel like you’re being benched, set a boundary and stick to it. You deserve someone who will be real with you! For example, let's say they've flaked on a date with you twice in a row. Promise yourself you’ll only give them one more chance. After that, it’s probably best to move on.
Why People Bench Potential Partners
Dating apps can make people feel like they’re “shopping” for partners. Because dating apps provide users with seemingly endless choices for potential dates, the act of swiping left or right on human beings can easily start feeling like you’re shopping for a new coat on Amazon. It’s not surprising, then, that this illusion of choice makes some people feel like potential dates are clothing items that can be tried on, worn for a while, returned and/or discarded. Choice paralysis from having so many options could also be behind the "benching" phenomenon. Most people are on multiple dating apps and actively communicating across all of them can be pretty overwhelming.
Shallow and low-effort communication is commonplace. Social media and apps have made it easy to stay in touch and communicate frequently. This is awesome in some ways, but it also means that surface-level communication is the new normal. We all have people who we communicate with exclusively through silly videos, memes, and cat pics–and there’s nothing wrong with that! But having access to everyone all the time makes it easy to "collect" potential love interests and acquaintances that aren’t super meaningful in IRL.
Benching another person can boost someone's confidence. For a person with low self-esteem, knowing they have an admirer (or several admirers) waiting in the wings can be a big ego boost. People also tend to fear loneliness, so keeping potential partners on the back burner helps them feel like they’ll never truly find themselves alone. It’s even possible that they're doing this unconsciously, but the end result is the same–the benched person is left in limbo, always unsure about where they stand and never getting any clarity on the situation. It can be a really painful position to find yourself in.
Benching vs Ghosting
Ghosting someone means disappearing completely with no explanation. Ghosting can really hurt because that person never gets closure or understands what went wrong. That said, they eventually come to terms with being ghosted and move on. People who are being benched are constantly having their wounds reopened when the other person shows back up in their lives. They're offered a glimmer of hope and it can be really hard not to seize that once it's been offered. Some people say benching is even worse than ghosting because at least ghosting is over quickly–benching goes on and on until you put a stop to it.
Other Dating & Relationship Slang Terms
Breadcrumbing This is very similar to benching–some would say the concepts are interchangeable. Breadcrumbing is when someone gives you just enough attention to get your hopes up, but not enough to connect on any real level. They might text you every few weeks, or like your stories on Instagram, but they just want your attention and nothing more. They don’t intend to start anything real with you. ”Breadcrumbing” is a reference to the old fairytale about Hansel and Gretel. In the story, Hansel and Gretel leave a trail of breadcrumbs to mark their path through the woods so they’ll be able to follow it back home.
Situationship Situationships are casual romantic relationships without any commitments or strings attached. Typically, one partner in the situationship is happy with this non-committal arrangement while the other hopes it will eventually develop into something more serious. The partner that’s satisfied with the arrangement has no intention of ever taking things to the next level. Worried you might be in a situationship? Take our quiz to help you figure it out.
Cushioning A "cushioning relationship" is when one partner fosters a potential romantic connection outside of their committed relationship so they’ll have a “backup” in the event their current relationship ends. This person will flirt or keep in touch with their “backup” in secret, usually through texting and DMs, which is a form of emotional cheating and unfair to everyone involved.
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