Rekindling Old Flames
Appreciate your past but don't idealize it too much. Studies indicate the couples in stagnant relationships tend to have less accurate recollections of their history together. They often overemphasize or exaggerate the good times to avoid the difficulties and disappointments that have always existed and are more serious now. For instance, replicating the dinner-and-a-movie pattern of your early relationship and expecting to fall head-over-heels all over again is unrealistic and ignores the ups-and-downs that certainly accompanied the getting-to-know-you period. Using those memories to think about the qualities that brought you together in the first place, however, is a good use of your past experiences. Relationships always start full of energy and excitement, and working to recapture some of that early magic is a good way to freshen things up further down the line. Trying to recapture an unrealistic idealization of your past, however, will only lead to further disappointment. The goal should be to recreate some of your early, happy memories together while remaining aware that each of you and your partnership are very different now. The past needs to be a spark for progress moving forward.
Relive your early relationship as you are now. It can be a nice touch to replicate your first date, from the flowers to the so-so dinner at the best restaurant you could afford to the awkward kiss goodnight. Use it as a reason to look at your partner as he or she is now with fresh eyes. Planning regular “date nights,” and pulling out all the stops when you do, can be a fun way to spend some one-on-one time together reconnecting. This may be especially helpful if you have kids. Take turns planning the dates, so each of you can enjoy trying to one-up each other by crafting the ideal night.
Flirt, kiss, and be a bit naughty. Not all routines have to be dull. Make a point of kissing your partner daily — not a peck, but a real, early relationship kind of passionate smooch. Try out your flirting technique, which has probably been on hiatus for a while. Even if the result ends up with the two of you laughing together instead of heading to the bedroom, it's a fun and easy way to liven up the day for a bit. Love can become assumed over time. Make sure you don't just say it, but show it, even by simply holding hands or making deep eye contact. Make a point of saying and showing your love during your sexual encounters as well, be it by cuddling, “dirty talk,” or whatever works for the two of you.
Show gratitude for your partner's very presence. Early in a relationship, you tend to cherish each moment together. Once you get stuck in a rut later on, though, it can be easy to lose sight of all the reasons you have to be thankful for each other. Say a meaningful thank-you for even small tasks that you appreciate, like taking out the trash or balancing the checkbook. Or leave a nice note on the fridge or in your partner's work bag. If you need help spurring your gratitude, try to think about what your life would be like if your partner either never entered your life or vanished from it. If you feel like things would be better this way, you have bigger problems in your relationship than some stagnation.
Stoking New Fires
Try new things together. Reliving old memories is unlikely to be enough of a relationship-freshener. You need to create new memories together as well, in order to build a sense of excitement and unpredictability. Do something new as a team, be it skydiving, a cooking class, or a bowling league. If it makes things easier, take turns picking the next new thing you both will try together. Try to stick to things you both can enjoy, however. “Trying new things” can extend to the bedroom as well. Try oils, candles, new positions, role-playing, or whatever else might add some spice to your sexual routine.
Celebrate each other's triumphs. Use good news for either of you — a promotion, a community service award, even saving big money on your car insurance — as a reason to show your appreciation for each other and just have a good time. Never assume that your partner knows how proud or happy you are for him or her. Tell and show him/her. But keep in mind that an achievement for one of you is a victory for the team. Celebrate strong efforts as well, even if they don't come to fruition as intended. Nearly finishing a marathon or reaching the final interviews for a dream job can be worthy of a night on the town.
Surprise each other. An encouraging note taped inside your partner's laptop, or a sexy message left on his/her voicemail can serve as little reminders of your ongoing affection and appreciation. Any little jolt out of the regular routine can help keep things fresh and interesting. While texting back and forth about dinner plans or work woes, a surprise expression of love or appreciation can go a long way. Of course, more old-fashioned moves like sending flowers, getting tickets to the sold-out event, setting up a surprise date, or just cleaning the house while your partner is away can still work as well.
Carve out time around the kids. Having children fundamentally changes you and your relationship with your partner. Even if you treasure every moment with them (or most moments, anyway), the changes they cause and time they consume often exacerbate relationship troubles. Something as simple as getting more sleep can make a difference. This may seem like a pipe dream if you have small children, but being more rested and refreshed puts everyone in a better mood, and makes it easier to see existing positives and to make positive changes. Take some time to commiserate about your stress from shuttling the kids around or dealing with them fighting over the toys, the TV, etc. Share your good experiences as well, of course. Demonstrate to each other that you're in this together. Make time for fun and for romance. Have your in-laws come over for a while, or pay the babysitter to stay a bit longer. Snatch up free time when you can, or schedule it ahead of time (anticipation can serve as foreplay for harried parents!). Don't feel guilty about dedicating some time just for the two of you, because a strong, healthy, fresh relationship between you will benefit your kids as well.
Identifying Problem Areas
Consider your commitment. People usually point to specific causes like stress or disagreements regarding money, work, the kids, or sex as the reasons for a faltering relationship. Deeper down, however, general issues like an unbalanced level of commitment are usually at play. If one party lacks an adequate commitment level to an important aspect of the relationship — such as pinching pennies to pay of debts or setting aside time for family activities — the resulting friction can make every day seem like a recurring battle. By talking to each other and working together to identify weak links for either or both of you, you can begin the process of smoothing out these spots of friction. So yes, you both have to commit to work on your commitment.
Examine your “emotional transparency.” Healthy relationships are built on honesty, of course, but how one presents that honesty is important as well. A shortcoming in either area can spoil a fresh relationship. Ask yourself if you are hiding things from your partner, be it out of selfishness, fear of hurting him/her, or whatever other reason it may be. Is the constant evasion and excuse-making causing strain on your relationship? If being honest is not your problem, then consider whether your manner of truth-telling is too blunt or judgmental. Can you speak your plain truths with more kindness?
Study how you share responsibility. While it is important to retain an individual identity and sense of self within a relationship, both parties also have to be willing to share many things, including the problems facing you. Most of the time, it cannot be “my” problem or “your” problem, but “our” problem. If your partner is between jobs, for instance, a money problem can seem more like his problem than yours, especially when addressing his spending habits. Regularly assigning fault and blame, however, will sour just about any relationship. Like a baseball club, when there is an “error” in a relationship, the entire team has to deal with it and work to overcome it.
Analyze your expressions of appreciation. Whether you are six months, six years, or six decades along the line in your relationship, the odds are good that you don't look longingly into your partner's eyes and say either “I love you” or “thank you” as often you did at the start. Over time, the focus in relationships tends to shift from showing affection and appreciation to solving problems — shuttling the kids around, paying the mortgage, etc. Solving problems together is indeed essential to keeping a relationship functioning, but be aware of whether this focus is getting in the way of expressing the true appreciation each of you feels for the other.
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