Ask for rent contributions. Make a family agreement that everyone living in the home is responsible for its upkeep and that includes financial upkeep, as well as regular cleaning and maintenance. Set a weekly rent that covers approximately 30% of their pay, to get them to understand what it costs and how it feels to have to depart with a set amount of pay "just to have a roof over your head". Put all of this down in writing and draw up a budget if needs be.
Ask for all-family household duties. No single person is responsible in a household for taking on all the chores. Everybody who is there must lift their weight to help keep the house in great shape. Allocate cleaning, gardening, shopping, pet feeding, mending/repair and general chores to every family member able to perform tasks. It is probably also a good idea to throw in cooking at least two meals a week as part of the deal. Write all of this up as a weekly schedule and pin it up where everyone can see it. Make it clear that getting out of a task means negotiating with another family member rather than just not doing it. EXPERT TIP Anna Svetchnikov Anna Svetchnikov Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Anna Svetchinkov, LMFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Mental Health Advocate, and Author based in Florida. With over 15 years of experience, she helps individuals, couples, and families nationwide and worldwide overcome challenges and achieve their goals through speaking engagements and presentations. Anna is a dynamic presenter who's appeared on major media networks, including PBS, FOX, ABC, and NBC, sharing her expertise in family therapy and mental wellness. She's a published author with over 30 books for children, adolescents, teens, and adults, covering topics related to mental health and wellness. Passionate about destigmatizing mental health, she founded the non-profit "I Care We All Care." Anna has received several awards for her contributions to the mental health field and was selected as one of Florida's ‘40 under 40.’ She received a BS in Psychology and a Master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from UMass Boston and is pursuing her Ph.D in Clinical Sexology from MSTI. Anna Svetchnikov Anna Svetchnikov Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist Imposing responsibilities teaches adult kids accountability. To encourage adult children living at home to contribute financially, like paying rent, they need real-life responsibility. This helps overcome learned helplessness that can develop from an "all-inclusive vacation" lifestyle at home. Imposing duties like rent isn't just about money — it teaches independence and accountability.
Expect some resistance and respond with good, hard facts. They have been living it easy, so they might complain. Be ready for this, armed with visual evidence of the costs for living away from home. This takes step one a little further; rather than just explaining, demonstrate clearly where the costs come from. Show them how much average rents are in your area, show them the grocery bills for an average shopping trip, the electricity costs for an average home, and the costs of things such as fuel, mortgage payments and interest rates. Their awareness will soon increase, and even if they still feel resentful, they will realize that their situation is a good one.
Overcome guilt. If one or more of your adult children is living with you, it's probably because you want to help them; perhaps they've hit a rough patch, and more than likely, you enjoy having them nearby. You might feel guilty when you demand contributions, especially if you see your child as being in a difficult position. When this happens, keep the following in mind: Sheltering them from the harsh reality of life isn't helping them. Your job as a parent is to teach them how to become independent adults who can survive and thrive on their own. Having them pull their own weight in your home will teach them that there's no such thing as a free lunch. It's better for them to learn responsibility from you, than from a boss firing them or a spouse divorcing them. You're not the only one struggling with these issues. Children who come back home as adults are called "mammoni", or "mama's boys" in Italy; "parasaito shinguru", or "parasite singles" in Japan; "boomerangs" or "twixters" in the US; "KIPPERS" (short for "kids in parents' pockets eroding retirement savings") in the UK; and "Hotel Mama" in Germany. There are parents across the world who will identify with your struggle to give tough love.
Be grateful. When your adult children do start contributing more, let them know how much you appreciate their contribution to the household and family and thank them. And sometimes, you may need to give them some slack during periods of redundancy, or saving for a big-ticket item such as travel, etc. You'll be able to judge this as the occasions arise.
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