How to Figure Out Why an Autistic Person Is Upset

Troubleshooting the Problem

Ask what's wrong. If the person is clear-headed enough to communicate, then they may be able to partially or completely explain the issue to you. They might be able to... Speak to you Write on paper or type on a phone/tablet Use sign language Point to cards on an AAC app Use handheld communication cards Show you what's wrong Nod or shake their head when you ask yes/no questions

Check if they're hurt or sick. Rule out any safety or illness-related issues. Some autistic people struggle to communicate when something is wrong. If you ask "Does something hurt or feel strange?", the person may be able to point to an area that hurts or feels off. If an autistic person is self-injuring in a specific area, then it may be that they're experiencing pain in that place. For example, hitting the head could be a sign of lice, a migraine, or a toothache. A checkup may be a good idea. If they're fidgeting with or looking at a specific body part, visually check the area and see if you can tell what's wrong. (For example, you might see a rash or an injury.)

Look for sources of sensory pain. An overwhelming environment can be literally painful to some autistic people, and sensory overload may impede clear thinking and communication. Hiding the eyes/ears, covering the face, and putting up hoods are all signs of being overwhelmed. If you ask them if they want to take a break or go somewhere quieter, they'll likely look eager or relieved to do so. Here are some potential problems: Flickering fluorescent lights Loud background noise, especially low-pitched noise Strong smells Clothes with itchy fabrics, seams, or tags (Notice if they're fidgeting with or trying to remove clothes)

Think about whether they're trying to tell you something. If they can't speak, then it can be frustrating to be unable to convey something. Try asking "Are you trying to tell me something?" You may be able to ask yes/no questions to help narrow it down.

Consider social conflict and pressure. Is anyone making the autistic person uncomfortable or upset? Notice how the person is being treated, and if they're showing signs of distress in response. In this case, the person also might want to be removed from the situation, even temporarily. The person might be bothered by... Arguments Bullying, or a peer or adult provoking them People intruding on personal space Condescending people Being punished unexpectedly People expecting the person to act non-autistic (which can be very stressful and difficult) Someone ignoring their attempts to communicate (including communicating through behavior, such as trying to escape or flopping to the floor)

Think about whether they could be hungry or tired. When did they last eat? How busy was their day today? Could they need some food or a rest? Try offering food, suggesting a relaxing activity (like TV time), or proposing a nap. If they jump at the opportunity, that's probably what they need. Too much social time can be tiring. If they've been socializing for a while, then they might need some alone time. Sometimes, parents of autistic kids make the mistake of cramming in too much therapy and not enough downtime. Kids need lots of time to relax and play without being bossed around. Autistic teens and adults might try to take on too much work, not realizing that an average lifestyle may be too busy for them.

Think about if they might be afraid of something that has to happen soon. The autistic person may be dreading an upcoming event. Is a difficult part of their routine (e.g. painful hair-brushing or going to bed to face nightmares) coming up soon? Do they have any hated appointments, such as with a doctor or a bad therapist? Is there a big test or project at school or work? Do they have to go to a party or an otherwise loud/overwhelming event?

Consider whether bad memories could be involved. If the person was reminded of something scary or awful that happened, that might stress them out. Driving down a street where the person used to visit a mean therapist Hearing the word "doctor" and remembering a difficult appointment Visiting a school where they were bullied

Getting More Help

Keep in mind that you're allowed to be upset. It's normal to be frustrated, confused, worried, or otherwise unhappy when you don't know how to help someone you care about. It's not easy to watch someone struggle with problems they can't articulate. Give yourself time and space to feel your difficult emotions. Reach out to a loved one, and explain that things have been tough lately.

Ask the autistic person about it afterwards (if possible). Once they're calm, say "What happened?", "What was bothering you?" or "How can I help you the next time this happens?" If the person says "I don't know," you can ask specific questions (like "Should I help you take a break?") or you can encourage them to think about it and tell you later. Write a note to help them remember. If the autistic person can't speak or use AAC, then this takes top priority. Find a therapist who can teach them, so that they can start communicating their needs.

Talk to a therapist, special ed teacher, parent, or other person who works with autistic people. It's possible that they've seen people struggle with similar or the same issue before, and that they can tell you how to help. If their advice focuses on controlling the person instead of understanding and accommodating them, then ignore it. You don't want to silence the distress and teach them to bottle it up. You want to help fix the problem.

Ask autistic adults. If you have autistic friends, explain what's been going on, and ask for advice. You can also go to the #AskingAutistics or #AskAnAutistic hashtags. While no autistic person is alike, many autistic people have similar experiences and can intuitively understand things that non-autistics may not get right away. An autistic person may be able to understand the situation and tell you what's wrong and how you can fix it. If you're posting online, protect your autistic loved one's privacy by using a fake name.