How to Deal with a Depressed Wife

Handling Difficult Changes

Take suicidal talk seriously. Suicide is a risk that runs alongside depression at any stage. If your wife talks about suicide, take it seriously. Talk to your wife’s doctor, therapist, family, and anyone who can help. If the thoughts or talk of suicide are severe, take your wife to the Emergency Department at your local hospital. If you need support or to talk to someone, call the suicide hotline at 988 in the United States (can also be texted), 1-800-784-2433 (1-800-SUICIDE) in Canada, and 13-11-14 in Australia. For more information, check out How to Recognize the Warning Signs of Suicide and How to Help Someone Who Is Thinking About Committing Suicide.

Recognize cognitive distortions. Cognitive distortions are thoughts that negatively impacts one’s thinking about the world and oneself. They can affect the way your wife sees the world, and may negatively trickle into how she views you or the relationship. Cognitive distortions can lead to irritability and negative perceptions of the self, others, and situations. If you feel much negativity directed your way, remind yourself that your wife is depressed and to not take the words personally. The words and actions may reflect depression and resulting distorted thinking. Instead, practice detached compassion by empathizing and feeling compassion, yet not getting drawn into the thoughts and feelings your wife is drawn toward. For example, if your wife is saying how awful everything is and that no one is helping her around the house, assess whether this is true or a feeling resulting from depression. Empathize with her by saying, “I can see this is upsetting to you and making you angry. I’m wondering what kinds of things we can do to make this easier.”

Remember that it’s not your fault. It’s normal to feel responsible for taking care of your spouse and her well-being. Don’t blame yourself for your wife’s depression. Remind yourself that mental illness is real and is nobody’s fault; not your fault nor your wife’s fault. If you feel like you are blamed for the depression, remind yourself that your role is that of a helper, not a healer or preventer.

Avoid burnout. You may earnestly want to help your wife and ease her burdens. While admirable, make sure you remain aware of how your caretaking affects your own health. If you start to feel resentful, drained, or angry at having to take care of your wife, these can be signs of burnout. Remember that part of taking care of your wife is taking care of yourself. You don’t have to feel guilty about having a good quality of life while your wife is struggling. Remind yourself that it’s beneficial for you to feel healthy, have friends, and have a productive and fulfilling life. This can encourage your wife.

Supporting Your Wife

Be patient. Remind yourself that your wife is depressed, which can affect her thoughts, moods, feelings, and behaviors. She isn’t hostile, stupid, or out to get you; she is suffering. While it may be easier to fire back or react to your wife’s negativity, be patient with your wife. If your wife is expressing much negativity or going on about difficult things, patiently listen and be there for her. Say, “I’m sorry you’re having such a hard time.”

Support her in pursuing activities. While it’s important to empathize and be loving toward your wife during her depression, don’t be afraid to gently push her to get outside of the depression zone. Invite her to go to social functions, exercise, or do activities she enjoys. If she is debating going to a meditation group or book club, encourage her to do so. If she’s on the fence about attending a family function, gently explain the benefits of going without pushing her to go. Offer to go with her as a support person to activities she may be interested in.

Ask how you can help. You may not know how to respond to your wife or what you can do to help her. Don’t assume you know what to do to help; instead, ask her what she needs. She may need a hug, a break from chores or housework, or a good night’s sleep. Say, “I want to help you through this hard time. What can I do that can make your life easier?”

Find ways to laugh. Laughter is the enemy of depression. Find ways to laugh together, such as watching comedy movies or funny video clips. Draw on your sense of humor and share it with your wife. Do things to brighten your wife’s day, or do things you think may help her laugh (or at least smile).

Engage in family or couple’s therapy. Attending therapy with your wife may be helpful in finding ways to cope together. If you’ve never experienced depression, family therapy can help you understand what it’s like to have depression and find ways to help support your wife. Attending therapy with your wife can encourage her to seek support and continue going to therapy to treat depression.

Taking Care of Yourself

Exercise. Physical activity can help your mind, body, mood, and mental health. Exercise is an effective way to handle stress and regulate your mood. A regular exercise program can help you sleep better, give you more energy, and improve your memory and thinking. Exercise can also help you if you feel exhausted or overwhelmed. Exercise with activities you enjoy. In addition to going to a gym or fitness center, you can dance, ride your bike, walk the dog, or jump on the trampoline. Encourage exercising together with your wife. Take a spin class together, or go to yoga as a pair. Exercise is an effective treatment for mild and moderate depression and can help lessen severe depression.

Do activities you enjoy. Don’t let your activities go to the wayside when caring for your depressed wife. Make sure you continue to stay engaged with activities you enjoy. Keep going to your Tuesday night softball games, being a part of your bowling league, or regularly attending church or spiritual activities. Don’t let taking care of your wife overtake your life. Make sure you make room to keep up the things you enjoy. Even if your wife no longer wants to participate in shared activities, keep things in your life that you enjoy.

Get social support for yourself. It’s easy to feel roped into caring for your wife and letting that role take over your life. Keep up your social life and engage with friends and family regularly. Don’t feel like you have to suffer alongside your wife in order to support her. Taking care of yourself means that you can take care of her without feeling totally depleted. If you feel exhausted by taking care of your wife, ask friends or family to step in and help out.

Engage in therapy. You may need a space for yourself to process and express your emotions outside of your home. Seeing a therapist to help you through this time can be beneficial, as you may feel drained or exhausted from taking care of a depressed spouse. It’s okay to feel angry, disappointed, or upset with your circumstances, and you may want a safe place to express these feelings. For more information, check out How to Choose a Therapist.