Being Quiet During a Conversation
Think before you speak. People who are naturally loud do not possess this important skill. So, the next time you’re in a situation where you’re just dying to say something, pause, take a moment, and ask yourself if what you have to say will really help the situation. Will you be giving people information that they need, making people laugh, or offering words of comfort, or will you be saying something just to be heard? If you don’t think anyone will actually benefit from what you have to say, then keep it to yourself. One rule to follow when you’re starting off is to say one of every two things you’re thinking. As you work on being more quiet, then you can say one of every three things, or one of every four things.
Don’t interrupt. Don’t ever interrupt a person while he or she is talking unless you think what you have to say is crucial to the conversation. (Let’s face it. When is that ever the case?) Not only is it rude to interrupt people, but it will disrupt the flow of the conversation and will make you look like a loudmouth. If you really have a comment to make or a question to ask, then make a note of it and wait until the other person is done talking to see if what you have to say is still relevant. You’d be surprised by how many of your questions will get answered anyway if you just let people talk.
Ask questions instead of talking about yourself. If you’re working on being more quiet, then chances are that you tend to talk on and on about yourself or the things that really interest you instead of letting other people share their ideas. So, the next time you’re having a conversation and it’s your turn to speak, ask people questions to gain insight about the topic you’re discussing and to learn more about them, from what their hobbies are to what they like to do for fun. You don’t have to make it sound like an interrogation or ask questions that make people uncomfortable. Keep things light, friendly, and polite and remember that conversation, in large part, is more about saying that you care about and are interested in the other person's thoughts, feelings, and point of view and less about sharing your “take on things.”
Count down from ten before you say something. If you’ve thought of the most amazing comment to make ever, give it ten seconds. Count down from ten to see if the idea suddenly sounds less appealing, or to give other people time to chime in and to keep you from saying what you wanted to say. This is also a great technique if you’re feeling angry or upset and want to air your grievances. Giving yourself a little bit of time to calm down can keep you from saying something you’ll regret. When you become a pro at this, you can even just count down from five. Even that short amount of time can help you see whether or not you should keep quiet.
Listen carefully. If you want to be quiet, then you have to work on being a great listener. When someone is talking to you, make eye contact, pick up on important points, and try to read between the lines to figure out what the person is really saying and how he or she is really feeling. Let the person talk, don’t lose patience, and don’t fall victim to distractions like text messages. Ask questions that help the person flesh out their ideas, but don’t ask something off-topic which will potentially confuse the person. The more you work on being a good listener, the less compelled you will be to dominate the conversation. A good rule of thumb is to balance your talking and listening time, to make them equal. A balanced conversation is the most healthy.
Stop complaining. If you find yourself spending a lot of your conversation time running down a litany of things that annoyed you today, the horrible traffic you faced this morning, the nasty email you got from a friend, how the cold this winter is crimping your style. It might help if you consider what responses are “on the table” for the other person. Where can the conversation go? Will anything productive result? What might the other feel about you and the attitude your words reflects? If complaining about the things you can’t change really makes you feel better, then try writing them down in your journal. There’s really no need to complain out loud, is there? If you have a real problem and need to talk about it, that’s fine. What we’re talking about here is your need to complain just for the sake of conversation.
Focus on your breath. If you really feel antsy and want to start talking for no reason, just focus on your breath. Pay close attention the the rising and falling of your breath and work on breathing more deeply and evenly. Stop fidgeting and listen to what’s happening around you. Focus on how you’re thinking and feeling instead of on whatever it is you want to say so badly. This technique will calm you down and will make you see that talking isn’t so important.
Take time to process what you hear. You may be the kind of person who has an instant reaction to something that you hear and who wants to immediately blurt out everything that you’re thinking, wondering, sort of wondering, but this really isn’t the best way to tackle the situation. If you take the time to process whatever is happening and to fully form a question or a comment, then you’ll be able to speak much less and to ask or say something that is much more spot-on. This will give you time to be your own internal editor and to not let out all of the “extra” stuff that isn’t doing anyone any good.
Being Quiet Throughout Your Day
Find a hobby that requires quiet. Practicing being quiet on your own can help you be more quiet when you’re around people. One way to get some great practice being quiet is to find a hobby where you have to be quiet and preferably by yourself. Try painting, creative writing, yoga, song writing, stamp collecting, bird watching, or really anything at all that requires you to be quiet and to not say whatever is on your mind. Reading is also great for helping you be quiet as you process the words in front of you. Try going at least an hour without saying anything while you’re pursuing your hobby. Then go for two hours. Then three hours. Think you can go a whole day without saying a word?
Release your energy in other ways. You may be talking a lot, some may say too much because you feel like you have so much energy and don’t know how to release it. So, find another outlet for saying all of the things on your mind that can help you get rid of all that extra stuff going on in your head. Working out, especially running can help you get some great exercise while getting rid of that extra energy. So can taking long walks or cooking. Find whatever works for you.
Fight the temptation to chat online. Talking online only fills your life with noise and most of what you say isn’t really that important. If you really wanted to talk to your friend, you would do it over the phone or in person instead of incessantly typing away at your computer, wouldn’t you? The next time you have the urge to go on g-chat to see what your 28th best friend is up to? Close your device and go for a walk instead.
Take breaks from social media. Better yet, take a break from Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and any other social media you may be using all too often. These sites are filled with noise, with people trying to impress each other, and with meaningless words that you may feel compelled to respond to. If you’re really addicted, then spend just 10-15 minutes a day on all of your social media sites instead of spending your time checking them every chance you get. Wouldn’t you rather hear what your closest friends have to say in person instead of hearing what perfect strangers have to say to the world? Turn off all of the extra voices that you hear and focus only on the ones that matter.
Write in a journal. Make a habit of writing in your journal at the end of every day or week. This can help you write down those extra thoughts, stay quiet, and feel like you’ve gotten everything off your chest without telling your fifteen best friends about it. You can just write about what happened during your day, which will lead you to ask more questions and to write about the deeper things on your mind. You’ll be amazed by how much quieter you may be if you write just one journal page each day.
Meditate. Meditating is a great way to turn off your mind and to keep your body and being quiet. Take 10-20 minute every morning to find a comfortable seat in a quiet room, close your eyes, and focus on your breath rising and falling from your body. Focus on relaxing your body one part at a time and notice what you hear, smell, feel, and sense as you’re sitting there. Banish any serious thoughts and focus just on being in the moment and appreciating the quiet, and you’ll be on your way to having a more centered, quiet day. Meditating can keep you from feeling overwhelmed by giving you more control over your mind and body.
Appreciate nature. Take a walk. Go to the beach. Look at all of the beautiful plants in the garden on the other side of town. Take a weekend trip to the woods. Do what you’ve gotta do to get closer to nature. You’ll be awed by the beauty and power of something so much more permanent than you are and you’ll feel all of your doubts and words melt away. It’s hard to keep chatting on and on about what you think will be on the next math quiz when you’re standing at the base of a beautiful mountain that has been in existence since the beginning of time. Plug some nature time into your weekly routine. You can even bring your journal out to nature and write down your thoughts there.
Turn off the music. Sure, music may make it more fun for you to study, to go running, or to commute to work. However, music can create extra noise that makes you feel a bit more chatty, frantic, and excitable. Classical music or jazz can be okay, but loud music with catchy lyrics can create noise that will bounce around in your head and keep you from feeling calm and in control of your day.
Give it time. If you’re a naturally loud, talkative person, then you won’t be Ms. Quiet overnight. But if you make an effort to talk a little bit less each day, to pursue hobbies and activities that make you more quiet, and to focus on being a good listener instead of a good talker, you’ll be able to become more quiet sooner than you think. So sit back, have patience, and enjoy the feeling of all the extra noise draining from your head and from your vocal chords.
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