Funny Baseball Jokes for Kids
These hilarious jokes are sure to be a grand slam. Whether you’re a little leaguer or a grown-up fan of the game, these PG wisecracks are fun for all ages. Bust them out during your next game or any time you feel like celebrating America’s pastime—baseball! How long did the baseball player spend at the library? Just 5 minutes. It was a short stop. What do you call a winged insect that hits home runs? A fly swatter. What did the baseball glove say to the ball? “Catch ya later!” Why is the baseball stadium the coolest place to be? Because it’s full of fans. How do baseball players keep in touch? They touch base once in a while. What do baseball players use to bake a cake? Oven mitts, bunt pans, and batter. A man leaves home, makes a left turn, makes another left, then another left turn, and goes home again. When he gets home, there are two men wearing masks waiting for him. Who are they? The catcher and the umpire. Why did the police officer rush to the baseball game? Someone stole second base. Why do girls like baseball? Because diamonds are a girl’s best friend. What's the difference between my favorite stadium's hot dog and your favorite stadium's hot dog? You can buy ours in October! Why is it a bad idea to play baseball in the jungle? There are too many cheetahs. Why is it smart to bring a baseball player when you go camping? So they can pitch the tent. Why does the pitcher raise one leg when they throw the ball? If they lifted both, they’d fall down. What’s the difference between a pickpocket and an umpire? One steals watches and one watches steals. Why are centipedes not allowed to play on bug baseball teams? It takes too long to put on their cleats. What runs around a baseball field but never moves? A fence. What do baseball players eat on? Home plates. What did the hand say to the baseball? You’re such a catch. Did you hear about the turkey that plays baseball? He covers first baste. Where did the baseball player wash his socks? In the bleachers.
Short Baseball Jokes
Pitch one of these quick jokes for a short and snappy quip. These jokes are concise and to the point, making them easy to slip into your next baseball conversation (and to remember how they go!). Here are some short baseball jokes that pack a big punch: Which baseball player loved fireplaces? Mickey Mantle. Which baseball player makes flapjacks? The batter. Why are some umpires fat? They always clean their plate. Which baseball player holds water? The pitcher. What has 18 legs and catches flies? A baseball team. Why are baseball games at night? Because bats are nocturnal. What do a great hitter and a boxer have in common? They’re both sluggers. Why were there cattle on the ball field? They were looking for the bull pen. When is it the hottest in a baseball stadium? When all the fans have left. What position is Dracula on the baseball team? The bat boy. Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? It’s way over your head. Why did the baseball player decide to shut down his website? He wasn’t getting any hits. Why are singers so good at baseball? They have perfect pitch. What do you get when you cross a baseball player with a monster? A double header. Why don't matches play baseball? Because one strike and they’re out. What position does the Kool-Aid man play? Relief pitcher. Why did the bat fly into the wall? He was as blind as an umpire! Where do they keep the largest diamond in NYC? Yankee Stadium. What’s a baseball player do if he goes blind? He takes a job as an umpire. Where do you keep your mitt while driving? In the glove compartment.
Baseball One-Liners
Bust out a witty one-liner to score a big, unexpected laugh. One-liners are short jokes with subtle setups—perfect for sprinkling into a baseball conversation to catch folks off guard. Try one of these jokes to get the giggles going at your next practice: A man at a baseball game wondered why the ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit him. Why do we sing “Take Me Out to the Ballgame” when we’re already there? Our new infielder cost $10 million. I call him our “Wonder Player” because every time he plays, I wonder why I bothered to get him. Did you hear the joke about the fast pitch? Nevermind. You just missed it. Bob led his team in steals until he got arrested for burglary. I used to collect bats, but then they flew away. Baseball is 90% mental, and the other half is physical. A group of kids was playing in a farm field and hit a chicken with a baseball. They yelled, "Fowl ball!" When you start a game, they don't say “Work ball!” They say, “Play ball!” The USPS issued [MLB team] commemorative stamps, but had to stop the promotion because fans were spitting on the wrong side. Did you hear that the [MLB team] don't have a website? They can't string three “Ws” together. I gave my friend some baseball cards, but he told me, “I can’t read.” I said, “That’s OK. You can still look at the pitchers.” Coach came to the mound to take me out of a game I was pitching. I told him I wasn't tired. He said, “Yeah, but the outfielders are.” Did you hear about the baseball field full of feral animals? It was a wild pitch. I love the fall. It gives me a chance to sit at home and watch the World Series. Just like the [team name].
Knock-Knock Baseball Jokes
Knock-knock jokes are as classic (and entertaining) as baseball. Knock no further—these are the funniest knock-knock jokes about baseball around. Your teammates will be laughing and asking “Who’s there?” all night! Knock, knock!Who's there?Bass.Bass who?Bass-ball is my favorite sport! Knock, knock!Who’s there?Phillip.Phillip who?Let’s phillip the bases. Knock, knock!Who’s there?Uriah.Uriah who?Keep Uriah on the ball. Knock, knock!Who’s there?Tess me.Tess me who?Tess me the baseball! Knock, knock!Who’s there?Homer.Homer who?Homerun! Knock, knock!Who’s there?Catch.Catch who?Catch you later at the ballpark! Knock, knock!Who’s there?Cheer.Cheer who?Cheer up! It’s baseball season! Knock, knock!Who’s there?Catch.Catch who?Catch me if you can! I’m stealing second base.
Baseball Puns & Dad Jokes
Calling all baseball dads—these cheesy jokes are all yours! Sometimes, a joke is so lame or predictable that you can’t help but groan (and then laugh). Dad jokes take this cringe to heart and are so bad, they’re hilarious. Don’t believe us? Then check these out: Why did the sausage quit playing baseball? He was the wurst on his team. What do male cattle use to write? Bullpens. What’s a baseball player’s least favorite Star Wars movie? The Umpire Strikes Back. Why was Cinderella so bad at baseball? She had a pumpkin for a coach. Why was Cinderella kicked off the baseball team? She ran away from the ball. What’s the difference between a high-hit baseball and a maggot’s father? One’s a pop fly. The other’s a fly pop. What are the rules in zebra baseball? Three stripes and you’re out. When does royalty watch a baseball game? When it’s a knight game. Why are frogs good baseball players? They’re great at catching flies. What do you get when you cross a tree with a Hall of Fame baseball player? Babe Root. Why did the baseball player put springs on his cleats? He was getting ready for spring training. Did you know baseball is the first sport in the Bible? In Genesis, it says, “In the big inning.” Why was second base so sad? Because it would never be first. Does it take longer to run from first to second base or from second to third base? From second to third base—there’s a short stop in the middle. Which superhero is the best baseball player? Batman. Where do coal miners play baseball? In the miner leagues. Where does a catcher sit for dinner? Behind the plate. Do you like baseball jokes? They leave you in stitches! What is the difference between Yankee fans and dentists? One roots for the yanks, and the other yanks for the roots. Where does the baseball player go when he needs a new uniform? New Jersey.
Baseball Story Jokes
Spin a baseball yarn that will leave your teammates in stitches. Unlike one-liners and short jokes, these jokes have a longer setup to leave listeners in suspense. They’re great for passing the time during mound visits, the 7th inning stretch, or anytime you have a spare minute. Here are some classics: Bob didn’t believe that Fred’s dog could talk. So, Fred asked his dog, “What’s on top of a house?” “Roof,” the dog barked. Bob wasn’t convinced. So, Fred asked the dog how sandpaper feels. “Rough.” He still wasn’t convinced. “OK, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?” Fred asked the dog. “Ruth.” With that, Bob walked away, shaking his head in disbelief. The dog turned to Fred and asked: “Was it Hank Aaron?” A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to talk with him. “I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the pitcher. “You always lose control at the same point in every game.” “When is that?” “Right after the national anthem.” A man is trapped in a house without windows, doors, or any other way of exiting. The house is on fire and has started to collapse, and the man has only a baseball and a bat. How does he get out? He swings at the air three times because in baseball, it’s one, two, three strikes and you’re out at the ol' ball game! A cocky rookie was pitching in his first ever playoff game. He started out the game with five straight walks, so the manager immediately took him out. As the rookie walked into the dugout, he slammed his glove on the ground and yelled, “That jerk took me out when I had a no-hitter going!” An apartment building is on fire, and people are at the window, screaming for help. “Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I’m a baseball player. I can catch you.” One smart resident decided to get more information first. “What team do you play for?” “The [team name],” shouts the man. “Ehhhh,” shrugs the resident. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.” A baseball scout found a remarkable prospect: A horse who was a pretty good fielder and who hit the ball every time he was up at bat. The scout got him a try-out with a big league team. Up at bat, the horse slammed the ball into far left field and stood at the plate, watching it go. “Run!” the manager screamed, “Run!” “Are you kidding?” answered the horse. “If I could run, I’d be in the Kentucky Derby.”
Dark & Dirty Baseball Jokes for Adults
Make sure there aren’t any Little Leaguers in the room for these jokes. Baseball is fun for all ages, so naturally, there are a few jokes out there for the grown-ups, too. If you’re a fan of dark humor, raunchy puns, or adult references, then these are for you. (And if you like these, you’ll love our collection of spicy baseball pickup lines, too!) Two guys are walking down a street in hell when it begins to snow. One guy looks up at it and says, “Well, it finally happened. The [team name] just won the World Series.” God challenges Satan to a baseball game. “How can I lose?” he says. “I have all the players!” “How can I lose?” Satan replies. “I have all the umps!” A guy takes his girlfriend to a baseball game. He tells her, “Let's play a game. I kiss you on the strikes, you kiss me on the balls.” Who's the most famous Los Angeles Dodger? OJ Simpson. What do you call a baseball player who’s never been to second base? A virgin. Are we in the bullpen? ‘Cause you’re warming me up. I never understood how a man with four balls was able to walk. She asked if I was a pitcher or a catcher... I said, it depends who's on first. They say baseball is all about timing—good thing she liked a quick pitch and a fast finish. He said he was great with a bat. It turns out, he just liked swinging it around. Why was the baseball player so good in the bedroom? He knew how to round all the bases.
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