What is White Knight Syndrome? (Plus, How to Deal With It)

• White Knight Syndrome is a strong, chronic urge to help other people, whether or not they need it, and sometimes to your own detriment.
• White Knight Syndrome is often caused by unresolved childhood traumas or repressed emotions that make you feel like you need to be useful however you can.
• Signs of White Knight Syndrome include intense guilt when you can’t help other people, or the tendency to offer unsolicited advice or aid.

What is White Knight Syndrome?

White Knight Syndrome is a compulsive need to help other people. A person with White Knight Syndrome (WKS) feels a deep attachment and empathy for people they see as vulnerable, damaged, or helpless, and an urge to offer them aid. They also might feel the need to “fix” their romantic partners, friends, or family. Often, they hope to receive validation or praise in response to their efforts. Sometimes, though, those efforts aren’t needed or wanted. WKS tends to be subtle and only really identifiable over time, once you’ve had a chance to examine and consider someone’s patterns of behavior. There are also a few different “types” of WKS, with each displaying common but slightly different behaviors. The term “white knight” is an old one, dating back to 1628, and describes a person who comes to the aid of others. The syndrome was initially described in 2015 by Marilyn J. Krieger, Ph.D., and Mary C. Lamia, Ph.D., in their book, The White Knight Syndrome.

Types and Causes of White Knight Syndrome

The overly empathetic white knight This form of WKS is characterized by excessive worry. They fret over the well-being of their romantic partners, friends, and family. The empathetic white knight feels their loved one’s struggles intensely, and feels acute guilt if they fail to help their loved ones. This guilt gives them a heightened sense of obligation or duty to help others, which feeds into a damaging cycle of aiding their loved ones, then feeling guilty they couldn’t do more. Overly empathetic WKS is often caused by a burdensome sense of responsibility early in someone’s life, which carries over into their adulthood. Example: Someone who had to care for their siblings or take charge at home because their parents were absent for long periods may grow up to become a white knight who feels that the wellbeing of their loved ones is their responsibility, and theirs alone.

The tarnished white knight The tarnished white knight is someone who’s incredibly vulnerable themselves, and who helps others out of a fear of abandonment. More than anything, they want to be appreciated and loved, and go to great lengths to help others to achieve that (this excessive need to be liked sometimes overlaps with narcissism). Sometimes, though, they purposefully choose “project” partners who need their help, or “fixing,” in order to feel useful, and to ensure that their help will always be needed. Ultimately, tarnished WKS syndrome is caused by a fear that the white night will be abandoned if they’re no longer useful. It may also be caused by feelings of inferiority caused by childhood trauma. Example: Someone who performs poorly in school as a child, and who feels their parents’ disappointment, may grow into an adult who looks for others in need of help in order to assert their own worthiness or value.

The terrorizing/terrified white knight This type of white knight is the most likely of the 3 to have undergone some sort of childhood trauma, and seeks to help others as a way to cope with that trauma. But their “help” tends not to have good intentions—rather, it’s often a thinly-veiled means of forcing those around them to stay close or to avoid their own abandonment. They often use abusive tactics like emotional or physical manipulation to control their partner, friends, or family. This type of white knight often has qualities that overlap with narcissism. Namely, their help has less to do with a sense of empathy and more to do with exploiting others for their own gain. Example: Someone who was emotionally abused as a child may grow into an adult who uses guilt-tripping, jealousy, or other tactics to manipulate their partners. They offer “help” as a way of building a “debt” that the other person can’t pay off, and so the other person is hesitant to exit the relationship.

The balanced rescuer This is the healthy alternative to the 3 kinds of white knights, and is the ideal model for empathetic, kind, or charitable behavior. Rather than jumping to save everyone, the balanced rescuer recognizes the needs of those around them, but also recognizes their own capacity to help. They aid others when they can, don’t expect loyalty or admiration in return, and don’t hold that aid over other people’s heads as a tool for manipulation. The balanced rescuer often recognizes their own shortcomings or emotional traumas, but understands that they need to help themselves in order to find a solution, rather than looking for that solution by aiding others.

Signs You May Have White Knight Syndrome

You tend to offer unsolicited advice or aid. People with WKS tend to try to give advice to people who they think need some help, even when the other person hasn’t asked for it, or doesn’t want it. It’s an impulsive urge often accompanied by statements like, “I’m just trying to help.” You might even strain yourself to lend a hand, even when your aid wasn’t asked for, or despite others’ insistence that they don’t need help. While it’s a natural impulse to help someone in need, those with WKS tend to overstep their bounds or insert themselves into situations where they might not be welcome. Example: You overhear a coworker complain about relationship troubles and pipe in with romantic advice, despite not being a part of the conversation.

You seek praise for your help, and feel hurt when it’s declined. White knights often experience feelings of satisfaction or validation through the act of offering or giving their help. So when someone declines your offer, you might feel like they don’t value you, or that you’re unworthy or even not useful. But there are many reasons someone might turn down advice or help; they may not even need help, but your WKS misidentified someone in need. Try to remember that everyone’s experiences are unique, and you can never know what they’re thinking or feeling. Declining your help isn’t a slight—more likely, that person just feels capable of helping themself. Example: You notice your friend struggling with a tough life decision. You offer to lend an ear, but they turn you down, insisting it’s a private matter. As a result, you feel like they don’t trust you, or don’t value your insight, even if that’s not true.

You look for partners or people who you can fix. For a white night, helping other people is often a way to feel needed, or to keep others around. In these instances, someone with WKS might seek out someone they think they can “fix” in order to have a reliable source of validation. These relationships often become codependent, however, when both parties begin to rely on each other excessively: they can’t function without your help, and you’re afraid of them one day not needing your help. These kinds of relationships often become abusive when the white knight purposefully sabotage’s their partner’s improvement in order to make them stay dependent on the white knight’s help. Example: You fall into a romantic relationship with a struggling artist, hoping to act as their moral support. But when your partner finds career success, you worry that they don’t need your support anymore.

You feel intense guilt if you can’t or don’t help someone else. White knights set unrealistic goals for themselves and others. They envision success in helping others achieve those goals, and feel disappointed in themselves if they can’t help them do just that. A white knight ties their worth directly to their abilities to prop up others, but you can’t always help—or save—everyone, and expecting to do so is a recipe for disappointment. Example: Your friend wants a raise, and you coach them on what to say to their boss. When they don’t get the raise, you feel like you led your friend astray or that it’s somehow your fault, even though it has little to do with you.

You prioritize other people’s needs over your own. When you tie your self-worth to helping other people, you tend to overlook your own needs. Aiding the people around you becomes a way of life, and soon you start to neglect your own mental health and general well-being, which only results in depressed moods or further feelings of inadequacy. Example: Your friend needs a ride to the airport at the same time that you have an important interview for a big job. You decide to drive them to the airport instead, missing out on the job that would have helped you, personally.

You have a past filled with trauma or old wounds. Most often, white knights help others in an effort to gain control of their own lives after a traumatic experience in their past. You may suffer from a history of abuse, be it verbal, sexual, or physical. Or, you may have low self-esteem or feelings of inferiority that motivate you to try to “prove” yourself. If you haven’t examined or sought help for these feelings and experiences, they may manifest as WKS. Know that feelings of insecurity or inferiority are something that everyone struggles with, and you’re not less-than for feeling them. The same goes for a history of abuse—you are more than what someone else did to you, and recovery is possible.

Dealing with White Knight Syndrome

Say “no” to your compulsions to help other people. It may sound a bit harsh, but in order to overcome your WKS, you need to be a little more selfish. You don’t need to stop helping people altogether—we’re humans, lending a hand is in our nature—but start by trying to go a week without coming to someone’s aid if they haven’t asked for it. Or, take a smaller step by simply asking if they need help first, and respecting their answer if they say “no.” Also, learn to recognize when someone might not actually need help. Ask yourself: Are they in danger (and so do, in fact, need immediate help)? Would they ask for help if they needed it? Would their day be ruined if you didn’t help them? And when in doubt, remember: just ask!

Give other people more credit for their abilities. Part of being a white knight is assuming that the people around you are vulnerable, or in need of someone who’s more capable. A big step in overcoming WKS is trusting that other people are just as capable as you are, and learning to see them as equals, not as people in need of saving. Recognize that everyone around you may need help from time to time, but overall are capable of living their own lives, and will likely reach out if they need help. Start by complimenting other people on their abilities. Telling someone out loud that they’re skilled and capable helps to convince both of you that they are, and reduces your impulse to step in.

Boost your self-esteem with positive affirmations. One of the root causes of WKS is low self-esteem, which leads to a need to feel useful or capable. You rely on helping other people to derive your self-worth, which leads to bad helping habits. Curb those habits by improving your self-esteem. Set personal goals and take steps to achieve them to boost your self-reliance. Take time to do things you enjoy and which you’re good at to remind yourself of your abilities. Or, more tangibly, write down 10 things you like about yourself, or 10 skills you have that you're proud of. Externalizing them on paper helps to make them feel more relevant and real.

Ask for help to shift your social dynamics. White knights tend to help others in order to maintain a sense of control in their own lives. One simple way to flip that script is to ask for help yourself. When you let others know that you need aid, on a deeper level, you’re admitting your own vulnerability and loosening your grip on your need for control. Start small by asking for help with a project at work, or just for help doing the chores around the house. Healthy relationships—professional, platonic, and romantic—involve an equal give-and-take, so let others be the ones to give every now and then.

Talk to a therapist about any past traumas or suppressed feelings. White Knight Syndrome is often caused by unresolved issues from earlier in your life, and therapy is one of the most effective ways to address those issues. Talk to a therapist about any traumas or self-esteem issues you may be facing. A professional will be able to help you identify aspects of your life that you struggle with, and how to handle those aspects in healthy ways. The best way to help others is to help yourself, after all.