Your breath isn’t the freshest.
Brush your teeth, pop a mint in your mouth, or chew gum. Since smell is an important part of attraction and how we perceive others, your girlfriend might be turned off if she catches a whiff of your last meal. Before you see her or before you go in for a kiss, freshen up your breath.
One of you has chapped lips.
Use lip balm and stay hydrated to keep your lips soft. Chapped lips make kissing feel unpleasant for both parties. If she’s the one with chapped lips, you can give her a cute lip balm set or a gift bag with lip balm, lotion, and other spa-related items so she doesn’t feel embarrassed. Before you go in for a kiss, you can even use your lip balm and casually offer it to her. Pull out your lip balm and ask if she wants to use it, saying, “Hey do you want some?”
She doesn’t like your kissing technique.
You might be using too much tongue or pressure. You might even be biting her or causing her pain. Don’t worry, just like everything else, kissing takes practice, but it’s something you can improve. Try to stay relaxed in your body and lips, and take note of what kissing technique your girlfriend uses so you can mimic it. Let your lips lead and keep the tongue to a minimum (at first). Then follow her lead and try the level of pressure and tongue motion she uses. When in doubt, ask “How do you like to be kissed?”
You’ve recently argued or she feels disconnected from you.
Reflect on the quality of your relationship. Has anything changed lately? Holding back on physical affection might be your girlfriend’s way of communicating that something’s wrong—even though it can be really distressing and frustrating for you. She might be withdrawing if she doesn’t feel heard or understood. Start a conversation with your partner about your needs in the relationship as well as hers. Ask open-ended questions that don’t rely on blaming one partner. For instance, you can ask, “What’s missing from our relationship?” or “What can we do to make our relationship better?” John Gottman John Gottman, World-Couples Therapist Successful relationships are built on a foundation of emotional connection, positive interactions, and mutual understanding. By cultivating empathy, embracing vulnerability, and mastering skills like active listening and 'I' statements, partners can transform even the most fractured bonds.
She’s stressed, busy, or upset.
Provide emotional support to help her feel better. If your girlfriend has a lot on her mind, she might not be in the mood for kissing. This may be the case if she temporarily seems to be uninterested in kissing but is usually enthusiastic about affection. The good news is your relationship is probably doing fine! While she’s going through tough times, empathize with her feelings to foster emotional intimacy. Actively listen to her problems and respond with a statement that acknowledges her feelings. Try saying, “I totally get why you’re frustrated.”
She’s anxious because she’s out-of-practice.
Be patient and reassuring when you talk about kissing. If you two haven’t kissed in a while, she could feel self-conscious, the same way you might feel nervous about kissing someone new. She might even feel nervous if you’re going to be her first kiss! Give her a compliment to reassure her. Try saying (either before or after a kiss), “Do you know you’re a really good kisser?”
She’d prefer a casual relationship without emotional intimacy.
Ask her about how she defines your relationship. She may view your relationship as a “friends-with-benefits” scenario rather than a partnership. Since some people view kissing as more emotionally intimate than physically intimate, she may prefer not to kiss you if she wants to maintain emotional distance. Start a conversation by stating what you’ve observed, “I’ve noticed you turn away when I try to kiss you.” State how her actions make you feel, “I feel rejected and worried when you don’t kiss me back.” Gain insight by asking what’s wrong, “Can you tell me about why you don’t want to kiss me?” Clarify your relationship by saying, “If you were to put a label on it, how do you view our relationship?”
She thinks kissing comes with expectations for sex.
Communicate your intentions if she's worried about intimacy. Since couples who kiss more often have more sex, if she has a lower desire for sex than you do, she might be concerned that a make-out session will lead to more physical intimacy than she wants. Whether or not you’ve slept together before, let your partner know what you’re thinking about when you go to kiss her so that you can be on the same page. Start a conversation about intimacy in general by asking, “What level of intimacy are you comfortable with? Is it okay if I kiss you?” Clearly ask for consent by posing the question, “Can I kiss you?” Clarify your intentions by saying, “I want you to know that kissing doesn’t have to lead to sex if you don’t want that.”
She’d prefer to kiss in private.
Check in with your girlfriend before you try to publicly kiss her. If she pulls away from a public kiss, she might be uncomfortable, but it’s not about you! Everyone has a different level of comfort with PDA (public displays of affection), so be sure to ask about her boundaries and comfort level before you try anything. Ask your partner, “How do you feel about kissing around other people?”
She’s just not a fan of kissing or touching.
You might not be doing anything wrong. Some people don’t like certain kinds of physical touch, and your girlfriend just might not like making out. While you shouldn’t try to pressure her or try to change her mind, you can ask what other forms of affection she’d be okay doing. “Would it be okay if I hugged you or held your hand?” It’s okay to want physical intimacy. If not kissing your partner is a “deal breaker” for you, you might consider ending the relationship. If she seems uncomfortable when you get physically close, like when you put your arm around her or hold her hand, there's a good chance she won't be comfortable with you kissing her, either.
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