How to Tell Your Boyfriend Something Is Bothering You

Pick a quiet, stress-free time to talk.

You’ll have a much more productive conversation if you’re both in a good mood. Make sure that you and your boyfriend are both feeling calm and stress-free, and go somewhere private where you can talk without being overheard. A relaxing weekend morning is a good time to chat; an evening after work when you’re both tired or cranky probably isn’t. Clinical Psychologist Susan Pazak recommends that before you talk, you "write down why you are upset or what just happened that will help to process the feelings and prepare you to address the situation in a calm, loving way." If you aren’t sure whether your boyfriend is in the mood to talk, try asking something like, “Hey, are you free to chat?”

Take some time to calm down if you’re upset.

Unfortunately, your emotions could potentially derail a conversation. It’s easy to yell or snap at your boyfriend if you’re feeling angry, sad, or upset. Take a few minutes (or hours) to calm down before talking to him—otherwise, your conversation probably isn’t going to go well. Try taking a few deep breaths in and letting them out slowly to calm yourself down.

Talk about one issue at a time.

Bringing up multiple issues could overwhelm your boyfriend. It’s easy to feel bombarded or attacked if someone comes at you with 5 things they think you’re doing wrong. Pick the most pressing topic and talk about it now, and save the rest for another day. Plus, talking about one problem at a time is less confusing.

Start out with a positive.

Begin the conversation with something good to set the tone. Diving right into the subject you want to talk about can be a little jarring. Instead, tell your boyfriend that you appreciate how hard he works or you love how much time he’s dedicating to the relationship. That way, he might be a little more receptive to chatting with you. You might say something like, “I know how hard you’ve been working at your job, and I understand how tired you must be at the end of the day.” Or, “I love how often you want to chat with me. I love getting your good morning texts.”

Get specific about the problem.

Try not to beat around the bush, since that can be confusing. Instead, Clinical Psychologist Susan Pazak recommends that you "speak boldly and confidently in relationships in order to communicate what is bothering you." In other words, never assume that your partner knows that what they are doing is bothering you. Instead, when you bring up a problem in your relationship, get really specific, and give an example if you have one in mind. That way, your boyfriend knows exactly what you’re talking about. For instance, you could say, “I really value a clean home, and when you leave your dirty laundry on the floor, it makes me feel a little anxious.” Or, “Texting all day is fun, but I need my alone time sometimes.”

Use “I” statements.

These statements can prevent him from getting defensive. Focus on how the problem makes you feel. Clinical Psychologist Susan Pazak recommends that you "speak with respect and kindness" and "[tell] the truth from your perspective, not attacking." When you talk about an issue, tell him your emotions surrounding it so that he can really understand you. Instead of saying, “You never do any chores,” try, “I’m dedicating a lot of my time to doing housework, and I feel overwhelmed.” Instead of saying, “You never tell me where you’re going,” try, “When you leave all night without updating me on where you are, I feel anxious.”

Avoid sweeping generalizations.

Words like “always” and “never” can put your boyfriend on the defensive. It’s not very fun to hear that you “always” or “never” do something, and your boyfriend might push back about that. Try to avoid using those words to have a really productive conversation. Instead of saying, “You always talk over me,” try, “Sometimes I feel like I can’t get a word in edgewise.” Instead of saying, “You’re never there for me when I need you,” try, “I feel like I need more emotional support in our relationship.”

Try not to assign blame.

Attack the issue, not your boyfriend. As you two chat, try not to blame or shame him about what you’re bringing up. Everybody makes mistakes, and your boyfriend is no exception. Try not to accuse him of anything like causing problems or avoiding the issue at hand. For instance, instead of, “You never want to talk about our problems,” you could say, “I know it’s tough to talk about relationship issues like this.”

Listen to your boyfriend.

Make sure you listen and understand where he’s coming from. Otherwise, you won’t be having a conversation, you’ll be having a confrontation. Try not to interrupt him and let him talk as long as he wants. Ask him follow-up questions if you’re confused, and focus on figuring out his perspective. Ask questions like, “Can you explain that?” or, “Would you mind elaborating?”

Work together to find a solution.

Get input from each other on what you can do to move forward. You might have a solution in mind, but your boyfriend might, too. Talk it out and come together to solve the problem so that you both feel happy in the end. If you’re worried about spending too much money, maybe you and your boyfriend could sit down and create a budget together. If you feel like you always text your boyfriend first, perhaps you and your boyfriend could take turns reaching out to each other throughout the week.

Compromise with each other.

You might not get exactly what you want, and that’s okay. Relationships are all about compromise, and you can work together to find something you’re both comfortable with. Be willing to get a little flexible, and ask your boyfriend to do the same. Your relationship will be better for it! For instance, if you want to clean the house together every day but he prefers doing it once a week, maybe you two can clean together every other day. If your boyfriend wants to go out with friends and turn his phone off but you’d like to stay in contact with him, maybe he could send a quick text at least once letting you know when he’s coming home.