How to Talk to Older People

• Ask a person who’s older questions about their family, childhood, or for advice to give them opportunities to reminisce and share their wisdom.
• Speak slowly and enunciate while maintaining eye contact to communicate more clearly, and allow time for them to process and think about the conversation.
• Avoid talking down to an older companion or treating them like a child. Give them your full attention and respect when speaking to them.

Finding Conversation Topics

Make small talk to warm up the conversation. Not every discussion you have with a person who’s older needs to be in-depth. They enjoy making polite small talk, too. It also helps you gauge their state of mind and health, and gives you a better idea of what they might want to talk about or how much energy they have to talk at that moment. Ask them about what they’ve done or will do that day, as well as their habits or routines. Other good small talk questions include: "What have you been up to today?” “Are you excited for anything happening soon?” “How are your hobbies going?” “Have there been any big changes in your life recently?” “How are you feeling today?”

Ask them about their family to learn more about their background. Older folks are full of stories, and many are grateful for the opportunity to share them. Stories about family and relatives are especially common topics among our older neighbors. As you listen, don’t be afraid to offer your own related or relevant stories to keep the conversation lively. Just remember to let them have the stage! “Do you have any stories about Aunt Marla?” “Can you tell me about the time you caught Dad sneaking out?” “Do you have any siblings?” “How did you choose your children’s names?” “How did you meet your spouse?”

Ask about their childhood to help them share fond memories. Reminiscing on their past can be a pleasant and mentally stimulating way to talk to a person who’s older. It’s especially welcome if they haven’t had the opportunity to share those parts of themselves recently. You might ask them what it was like growing up when they did, or what they got up to for fun back when they were a kid. Other questions you might ask include: “Did you ever have any pets as a kid?” “Did you have a favorite book when you were growing up?” “Did you ever get into any trouble with your friends?” “Who are some big celebrities from when you were a kid?” “What was your favorite gift you ever received for a birthday or holiday?” “Can you describe the town you grew up in?” “What was your biggest accomplishment while growing up?”

Ask them what they think about current or even future issues. Older people don’t just live in the past! They’re just as affected by and interested in current events as anyone else, so ask their opinion on recent happenings. Or, ask them how current events compare to how things were in the past. You might even ask them how things like politics, climate, or technology will look in the future. Also ask: “What’s a piece of technology you thought we’d have by now?” “Are there any headlines that made you happy this week?” “Have you seen any friends recently?” “Are you doing anything fun this week?” “Have you seen any good TV shows or recent movies?”

Ask them for any life advice they might have. Older people have plenty of experiences under their belts, and many of them are happy to share those experiences or offer some perspective on life. If you’re in a sticky situation or having trouble making a big decision, consider talking about it with an older person. They’ll likely be flattered that you asked them, too. “Do you have any advice for leading a full life?” “What’s your philosophy for living?” “I’m having a hard time choosing between two jobs. Which do you think is more important, making a lot of money or enjoying your work?” “If you could do one thing differently, what would it be?” “Is there any advice you might give to someone my age?

Communicating Clearly

Greet the person to introduce yourself and establish rapport. If you already know the person, let them know you’re glad to see them by saying hello with a smile. Give them a hug if it’s appropriate. If you do not know the person, introduce yourself in a friendly tone of voice and offer a handshake. Use formal language like “Mr.” or “Ms.” to show your respect, and avoid overly familiar terms like “dear” if you don’t already have that relationship with them. Greeting them with a quick label alluding to your relationship can also remind them of who you are to them if they have memory troubles. For example, “Hi, Grandma!” reminds them that you’re their grandchild.

Find a quiet, comfortable environment to talk. Talk somewhere quiet and calm, where neither you nor the other person will get distracted or overwhelmed. Turn off any radios or televisions in the background so you can hear each other. Sit somewhere they can see your face clearly, so they can read your lips if they need to. Be mindful of any physical impairments your older friend may have, and don’t attempt to move someone with physical impairments without the help of a trained caregiver.

Make eye contact and speak clearly and slowly to be understood. Making eye contact shows the person that you’re paying attention to them and care about what they’re saying. Enunciate your words distinctly, speak loudly enough to be easily heard, and don’t talk too fast. Be careful not to shout at the person, though, unless they ask you to speak up more. Don’t be afraid to repeat yourself, slow down, or shorten your sentences if your conversation partner has trouble understanding you.

Provide choices with questions to make conversation easier. If you’re offering something to a person who’s older, or trying to find out what they want to do, give them 2 or 3 choices. This gives them a sense of control over the situation without overwhelming them with too many options. For instance, don’t just say, “Where would you like to go today?” Instead, say, “Should we go to the park or a coffee shop?”

Allow the person time to think and process. During your conversation, the older person may need to pause to find the right word, recover their train of thought, or reminisce about something. Offer plenty of pauses in the conversation to allow them to digest information or jump in, and avoid hurrying their answers. Wait patiently for them to finish talking. Don’t try to complete their sentence for them or find the word they’re looking for unless they ask you to. Also, concentrate on one topic at a time to avoid confusing a person with altered memory or cognition, and don’t move on to the next topic too quickly.

Bring interesting items or activities to engage them. If you know ahead of time that you’ll be visiting a person who’s older, consider bringing something to do or talk about. A few ideas include a family photo album (if you are visiting a family member), music from when the person was young, or a homemade treat that you can enjoy together. Or, you might cook them a meal or aid them with household chores, which makes your time with them even more helpful and appreciated. Even making them a cup of tea is a kind gesture that can lead to pleasant conversation about what kind of teas they like, memories about special mugs they might have, or other opportunities to reminisce.

Let the person know when you are leaving. If the older person has dementia or gets confused easily, make sure they understand when you are leaving. This helps them understand that you’re no longer present so that they don’t think you’re still in their home, which can cause anxiety. Say goodbye to them and tell them when they can expect to see you again. Giving them a hug or a handshake is another good way to signal the end of the conversation. Also, leave them a written note with your name and the current date, thanking them for the conversation and letting them know the date of your next visit.

Communicating Sensitively

Adjust to and be patient with any communication problems. Communication often becomes more difficult with age. These difficulties may result from age-related conditions such as hearing and vision loss, physical disabilities, or neurological disorders such as dementia or a past stroke. Pay attention to whether the person you’re talking to is hard of hearing, has memory problems, or otherwise has trouble communicating. Adjust your own communication style so they can participate in the conversation more easily. For instance, if the person is having a hard time hearing you, move closer to them and speak more loudly. If the person seems to get confused easily, use shorter sentences and be patient as you get your point across. If they have memory loss, avoid asking too many questions at once. Also, avoid "why" questions, which may frustrate them. If you can, try to find out ahead of time about any communication issues the person may have before you start conversing with them.

Avoid using “elder speak” or talking down to them. Do not use baby talk, a singsong voice, or inappropriately familiar terms of endearment when you talk to a person who’s older. Talk to them like you would any other adult. If they show signs of confusion, simplify your wording or shorten your sentences. That said, avoid any condescending tones or outward signs of frustration. Many older people feel insulted when others talk to them as if they are children, even if those people don’t mean any harm.

Avoid potentially sensitive subjects unless they bring them up. Just like anyone else, older folks have topics they’d rather not talk about, or which provoke feelings of sadness, which can make the conversation uncomfortable. Unless they start talking about these topics first, generally avoid subjects like war, deaths, regrets, or anything that seems to make them uncomfortable. If they do appear uncomfortable, change the subject by saying something like, “We don’t have to talk about that if you don’t want to. Can you tell me about your childhood instead?” That said, don’t shy away from big emotions like tears or laughter. Let the emotions happen, and offer emotional support in the form of a touch on the shoulder until they pass.

Use “I” statements when making suggestions. Some older people are sensitive to feeling ordered or bossed around, even if that’s not your intention. To avoid this, use “I” or “we” statements when suggesting activities or topics of conversation, rather than “you” statements, which helps them feel more comfortable and confident. For example, say, “Why don’t I open a window for some air?” instead of, “You really need to let more air in.”

Ask follow-up questions to show you’re listening. Be a good listener and give the person your full attention, even if they ramble. Make sure you’re understanding them and keep conversation flowing by asking questions related to what they are saying. Avoid letting your gaze wander around the room or checking your watch while the other person is talking, which may make them feel as though you’re bored. For instance, if the person mentions living in another country, you could ask them to tell you more about that part of their life.

Respect differences in opinion and avoid serious arguments. You may have different viewpoints, perspectives, or opinions than your conversation partner, but it’s often unproductive to try to convince them to see things your way. If conversation veers into uncomfortable territory, agree to disagree and gracefully suggest another topic by saying something like, “I’ve been wondering about what your life looked like when you were 20, can you tell me about that?” As with anyone, don’t feel obligated to sit through hateful or prejudiced speech. If you feel unsafe or the conversation is uncivil, feel free to excuse yourself.

Remember that older people are just people like you. Our older friends, family, and neighbors were once your age, and they’ve experienced the same feelings and many of the same life events as you. Treat the person with the same respect and courtesy you would expect from others, and look for common ground that will help you connect with each other. Think about how you want people to talk to you someday when you are elderly, and use that as a guideline for yourself.