Strengthening Your Relationship
Understand your older brother. Adding a new member to any family causes change. Before you came along, your older brother probably got more attention than he gets now from your parents. Whether or not you think it’s fair, your older brother is competing with you. For example, maybe he was the one in the family who was good at soccer; maybe he was very proud of this. If you start playing soccer and do well, your brother may resent your success and feel like his own identity is being threatened. Your brother might feel jealous of you, because he may feel that you’re the favorite of your parents. Simply understanding these things about your brother will allow you to take a walk in his shoes and be able to talk to him more easily.
Pick your battles. Maybe your older brother bothers you so much that you want to pull your hair out. Maybe he’s a good older brother overall, but does a couple of annoying things here and there.If your brother’s only occasionally annoying, there’s no shame in letting those minor annoyances slide. Sometimes it’s best to let the small things go. Realize that arguing over the small things can be even more exhausting than what’s actually annoying you in the first place. Think about all the things you can expend energy on that you enjoy.
Get interested in things your older brother likes to do. Your brother is likely annoying you either because he wants attention from you, or he wants you to stop getting attention from your parents or others. To redirect your older brother’s energy, try to focus positive attention towards him by showing interest in the things he likes to do. This tactic may backfire if your brother thinks you’re trying to “steal his thunder” by sharing in his interests. But, for example, if both you and your brother like the same video game, you may have fun playing that game together.
Try a new activity with your brother. If you and your brother don’t have much in common, trying something new together may bring you guys closer. Think about something you want to try but haven’t yet tried with anybody. Maybe trying such an activity with your brother will make it “your thing”.
Don't be jealous of other people's sibling relationships. You may think your friend's older brother is the coolest guy alive. You may wonder why your friend's older brother seems to be supportive and fun in a way your older brother never is. Well, stop wondering. Envying other people's sibling relationships is a waste of your energy and does nothing to improve your relationship with your brother. Keep in mind that you don't know everything about your friend's relationship with their older brother. It's possible that their older brother can be just as annoying as yours.
Ignore your older brother. Your brother may be uninterested in hanging out with you. He may just want to pester you. If that’s the case, he’ll find that not getting a reaction out of you gets really boring really fast. If you have a history of always reacting, ignoring him might not work the first time. He will likely be persistent, thinking that he can get a reaction out of you eventually. It will take a lot of willpower, but if you keep ignoring him for long enough, he will likely lose interest and move on to a different activity. Alternatively, ignoring your brother's annoying behavior might cause him to "snap out of it" and start treating you kindly again.
Taking Action
Speak honestly and openly to your brother. Though you may not have considered it, there is a chance that your older brother doesn’t realize that he is annoying you. He may think he is being funny and doesn’t realize how frustrated you are. Rather than assuming that your brother knows how you feel, speak to him directly and openly share your observations, feelings, and wants so that he has a complete understanding of his effect on you. When communicating, it’s important not to blame your brother or assign him negative motivations. For example, don’t say, “You’re happy when I’m miserable! That’s why you’re annoying me!” Rather, say something like, “I don’t like when you throw my games across the room, and I really want you to respect me and my things just like I respect yours.” It’s important that you are calm when communicating.
Stop annoying your brother. It's rare for one person to be 100% at fault in a dispute. Often, both people share some of the responsibility. Playing the blame game with your brother will only result in the problem lasting longer than it has to. If you know there are some things you do to annoy your older brother, stop first and he will likely return the favor. If your brother started the problems, you may feel that it’s not fair for you to stop first. Maybe you think because he’s older, he should be the mature one and stop the annoying behavior before you do. Rather than focusing on what is “fair,” focus on what will get you the result you want.
Tell a parent or guardian. Your parents or guardian likely want you and your sibling to get along. Telling an authority figure of the problems between you and your brother will allow the authority figure to start a productive conversation between you and your sibling. You’re likely to get better at handling difficult situations with the help of your parents. Going to your parents, however, should not be your first move. It's a valuable skill to learn how to get along with your brother without your parents' involvement.
Creating Distance
Go to another room. Having private space will allow you to feel empowered, which, in turn, translates to a greater ability to express yourself. This feeling of empowerment will be especially beneficial when dealing with a difficult sibling. Consider asking your parents for your own room, as this will give both you and your brother ownership of your own separate spaces and decrease the amount of time you get in each other’s way. If you have to share a bedroom with your older brother, take advantage of the common areas of your home, such as the living room or kitchen. Enjoy the control you have over private spaces such as your own dresser or your own bookshelf.
Hang out with your friends. It's natural for siblings to grow tired of each other. Hanging out with your friends will not only allow you to have some time away from all the annoyance your brother is creating at home, but will lift your spirits. Your friends are bound to have similar experiences as you, and connecting with them will show that you’re not alone in your struggles. You may also get some fresh ideas about how to solve the problem with your brother. Do your friends also annoy you? If so, consider what it is about their behavior that may be similar to your older brother’s. Look inside yourself to see if there’s anything you might be doing to cause annoying behavior in other people.
Join an after-school activity. Your parents may not be around very much to referee behavior between you and your older sibling. Joining an after-school activity will not only allow you to have fun doing activities you enjoy, but will also reduce stress at home for you, your siblings, and your parents. Just because your brother is older doesn’t mean you can’t lead by example. Seeing you join an activity may increase your brother’s interest in pursuing activities of his own, leaving you both happier and more likely to get along at home.
Develop new interests. If your brother plays basketball, consider trying an unrelated activity like, say, drawing or volunteering at the library. By exploring new interests, you can create your own path rather than feeling the need to compare yourself to your brother. Think of what type of person you are and what type of person you want to be. Are you a creative person who likes to think about why things are the way they are? Consider a hobby in the arts. Are you more scientifically inclined? Talk to your science teacher about ideas for ways to conduct experiments out of school.
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