How to Overcome the Guilt of Gossiping About Someone Who Trusts You

• Apologize to the person you gossiped about, be accountable for your actions, and afterward, listen to them.
• After thinking carefully about what you want to say, ask this person how you can make the situation better and repair your relationship.
• To grow from the experience, consider what insecurities or personal issues might've led you to gossip and if you still need help, reach out to a mental health professional.

Apologizing for Gossiping

Contact those who you gossiped with. Depending on the situation, it may be a good idea to contact those with whom you gossiped and point out that you regret your role in the conversation. This is particularly important if you were dishonest in any way, or may have over-embellished for the sake of a juicier story. Everyone says things they regret, but you have the option to partially undo the damage by articulating to those you spoke with that you regret your negative comments about someone. When speaking with those you gossiped with, be sure to include something along the lines of “It was wrong of me to say what I said. No one deserves to be spoken of poorly behind their backs, and I regret doing so. Please do not define your perspective of this person by my words.” Further, ask whomever heard you gossip not to repeat what you said. Point out something like "It was wrong of me to say what I said, and I sincerely hope you choose not to repeat it." If you lied or embellished something, stress that what you said was not only inappropriate, but dishonest or inaccurate.

Contact the person you gossiped about. Ideally, you can speak with someone before they hear the gossip you’ve spread. Either way, you need to reach out to them as soon as possible. Ask if you can meet to talk, and propose to meet someplace where you'll have privacy. Concern about getting caught should not be the reason you reach out or apologize. Rather, your contact should be guided by genuinely apologetic sentiments, and your recognition of the potential hurtfulness you may have caused.

Apologize to the person you gossiped about. An honest apology will help diminish the potential hurtfulness of your gossip, as well as the damage to your relationship with the person you gossiped about. Secondarily, you will help resolve your own feelings of guilt by acknowledging your wrongdoing. Most importantly, be straightforward when apologizing. Say something like, “I wanted to let you know that I said something negative about you the other day, and I feel terribly about it because it doesn’t reflect how I actually feel about you.” If they ask questions, answer them honestly. Don’t try to downplay what you said.

Take full responsibility for your actions. Don’t make excuses or try to assign some of the responsibility for the gossiping that occurred to someone else. If you participated, you need to take responsibility for doing so. Furthermore, don’t try to rationalize what you did. You violated someone’s trust, and you need to acknowledge that outright, without qualification. Be clear about how you’re feeling; “I know I violated your trust, and I hope I can earn it back.”

Allow your friend to respond. After stating a clear and honest apology, just listen. Understand that they will likely be hurt, and potentially surprised to hear what you’ve told them. They may not know what to say, or they may become angry or otherwise emotionally upset. If they're so angry or upset that they shut you out, give them space. Consider how you would feel if the situation were reversed. If they don’t have much to say, or become upset, reiterate your apology. Say something like “I’m really sorry, and I hope I have to chance to repair any damage I’ve done to our relationship. I understand why you’re upset, and am happy to give you space in the meantime.”

Moving Forward

Ask how you can improve the situation. If you gossiped about a friend and have been struggling to rebuild your friendship, approach them again with an offer to address any outstanding issues. Similarly, if you and a colleague haven’t been able to get back on good terms, reach out to them. If they are still harboring injured feelings, it may help to reiterate your regret about previous issues. However, if some time has passed, try to focus on moving forward as friends, or simply working together cooperatively. At some point when you have privacy together, say something like “I hope there’s not still any negativity between us. It feels like there might be, and I’m wondering if there’s anything I can do to regain your trust?”

Consider your words before you speak. Take time to think about what you want to say before you say it. There’s nothing worse than doing something you’re feeling bad about all over again. Prevent this by recognizing when you’re speaking about someone else unnecessarily, even if you’re not saying anything negative. If possible, evaluate most of what you say before saying it, by asking yourself: Is what I’m about to say true? It is worth saying? Is it kind? You’ll likely notice yourself saying a lot less generally, and will stop gossip well before it leaves your mouth. Especially in the context of group discussions, take a minute before chiming in to think about what you might want to add.

Encourage positivity. A great way to get over feeling guilty about doing something negative is doing more of the opposite. In fact, try engaging in some intentionally positive “gossip.” When someone does something that impresses you or is worthy of recognition, spread the news around. Even when simple, positivity goes a long way. Say things to friends and co-workers like, “Hey, did you hear that Gary kicked a home run in every kickball game so far this season!?” Similarly: “Becky has really been going above and beyond the last few weeks. If you’ve noticed too, make a point to thank her for effort next time you cross her path.”

Evaluating and Changing Your Behavior

Ask yourself why you gossiped. You said something unnecessary, disrespectful, and potentially hurtful, and you know you shouldn’t have. Whether it was accidental or intentional, there’s a reason you feel guilty. To help identify why you said something negative – and to prepare to give an honest apology – think about how you feel about the person you spoke poorly about. Was there a specific thing that the person you gossiped about did recently that you didn’t like? Are you angry or annoyed with them for any reason? Is this the first time you’ve spoken about them negatively, or has this happened before? If you’ve spoken poorly of this person before, recognize that your behavior may indicate negative feelings towards them that you should address.

Determine whether it was personal. While the gossiping you took part in may “mostly” have been an accident, feelings of guilt may indicate that there may be more to the story. Of course, maybe you simply spoke without thinking, or something “just slipped out.” Determine whether or not you were intentionally attacking someone, or just failed to think before you spoke to determine how to go about overcoming your guilt. Be honest with yourself. You likely already know whether you were intentionally trying to disparage someone’s image. If this is the case, you need to address either your own feelings about this person or the relationship you have with them. If you truly do not harbor animosity towards the person you gossiped about, you may have simply been trying to “fit in.” Another source of gossip is the temptation to share information that will get you attention. If this may be why you’re saying negative things about other people, the issues you need to address are more personal.

Deal with the reason why you gossiped. To overcome your guilt and prevent yourself from potentially gossiping again, you need to deal with why you gossiped and do something about it. If it may have stemmed from how you feel about the person you spoke poorly about, you’ll need to work to improve your relationship with them. Feeling resentment towards the person not only increases the chance that you might engage in further gossip, it can also cause you frustration until you resolve these feelings. Try to identify the reason why you said what you did. For example, do you really dislike the person? If so, why? Were you feeling jealous? Do you disagree with the person on certain things? To overcome negative feelings about what happened, try talking to the person about why you said what you did. For example, you might say something like, “I think I said that about you because I was feeling jealous of your recent promotion.”

Address personal insecurities. Everyone wants to seem interesting and intriguing to those they interact with, especially those they want to impress. These desires strongly affect how we act around other people. However, if you wind up regretting things – such as gossiping – you’ve done to get attention, insecurity may be negatively affecting your behavior. In other words, you may be gossiping for the sake of impressing or amusing others – potentially without even realizing it. Lots of people struggle to develop and maintain self-confidence, and almost everyone falters from time to time. However, don’t let insecurities continue to affect your behavior. Set up a time to meet with a therapist soon.

See a mental health professional. If you still feel guilty, you should see a mental health professional to address any residual negative feelings. In particular, you may need to talk about how you can forgive yourself. In some cases, consulting with a professional may be necessary in order to identify the root cause of your feelings, as well as the potential steps to regain a positive sense of yourself and your place in the world.