How to Meet Women After a Divorce

Locating Single Women

Don’t rush into a relationship. Some people have a hard time being single after many years of marriage. Do not let your desire for a romantic partner cloud your judgment. If you feel you are still not emotionally healed or grieving over the loss of your marriage, take some time to let the pain subside. If you often find your thoughts dwelling on your past relationship or things your former spouse would do, you are probably not ready for a new relationship. If you are not truly over your past relationship, you might end up (consciously or unconsciously) entering a new relationship as a temporary distraction. Doing so will be unhealthy for you and the woman you date. Look for women with whom you are compatible to have a healthy, long-term relationship.

Try a dating website. Sites like OKCupid, Match.com, and eHarmony are among the top sites for meeting singles online. You can specify what your marital status is as well as your age, race, and other personal stats. These sites will give you a quick way to meet many different women from your area. Choose a flattering but accurate picture of yourself. Don’t use blurry or old photos, and choose a picture in which you’re smiling. Describe your interests and personality. Be specific. For instance, don’t write that you like travel and movies; write instead that you enjoyed China and want to go back, and think Stanley Kubrick’s work is brilliant. Be wary when meeting women online. Always use caution when meeting people you do not know well or have not met in person.

Ask your friends to introduce you to single women. After a divorce, you should count on your friends for emotional support to help you pull through. As you begin to heal more fully and prepare to re-enter the dating world, your friends can help you out again. Since your friends know you better than anyone, they’ll have a good sense of what kind of woman you’re compatible with. Request your closest friends to keep an eye out for women you should meet. For instance, you might say to a friend, “It’s hard to meet women around here. If you know anyone I might be interested in, please let me know.” If they know someone they think you’d get on well with, meet them for coffee or lunch along with your mutual friend. If things go well, ask the woman for their contact info and arrange a more private date. For instance, you might, at the end of a successful meet-up with your friend and his or her female acquaintance, say, “Well, this has been great. We should do this again next week.” If you can get your friend to play along, hopefully they will suggest they are unavailable for meeting-up next week. That leaves the ball in the woman’s court. If she, too, indicates she is unavailable next week, leave it to her to suggest another occasion when you might meet either one-on-one or with your mutual friend.

Don’t limit yourself to typical places. While meeting women in bars, nightclubs, and dance halls are the standard locales in which to meet women, open yourself to the possibility of meeting women in other places too. Grocery stores, libraries, coffee shops, and the gym are all great locations for meeting single women after your divorce. For instance, if you’re at the grocery store and you and a woman are both checking out the freezer containing vegan pizza, chances are that you both share some very specific ideological viewpoints and (possibly) a set of similar interests. Chat her up about her interest in veganism and invite her over to share a tasty pizza pie. Don’t be shy. Meeting women outside of bars and the usual singles haunts can provide friendship, even if a romantic relationship doesn’t develop.

Meet single parents through your kids. If you have children who participate in community events or sports, attend their games or events. Other single parents might also be in attendance. For instance, if your child plays basketball, you might find single mothers in the stands nearby. Smile and make friendly small talk. For example, you might say, “Wow, that was a great pitch,” or “The opposing team is a really good.” After a few games, ask if she and her child would like to go out after the game with you and your child. You could say, “Gee these girls have played really well. I think they deserve a reward. Who wants some Yummy Pan Pizza?”

Ask out women you’re interested in. There are many ways to ask for a date. A good indirect way is to make it seem like the date is their idea. For instance, you might ask a woman, “Are there any good movies playing this weekend?” If she replies, for instance, “Yes, ‘Alien Attack’ is playing at the theatre not far from here,” you should follow up with, “Wow, I’ve been looking forward to it, we should go tomorrow night.” Another technique is to make the date an opportunity not to be missed. For instance, you might ask a woman out by inquiring, “Have you eaten at Tasty Sandwich Shop? It has an excellent lunch menu.” She might reply, “No, I have not, but I’d like to.” In this case, follow up with “Great, let’s go together. How about tomorrow at noon?” You don’t have to look at every opportunity to spend time with women as a date. Use the above examples to hang out with women you have only a platonic interest in as well. Be creative with your invitations for dates. Use your own circumstances and your knowledge of the woman in question to make the right invitation. Don’t be afraid of rejection. Sometimes people really can’t meet for any number of reasons. Don’t assume they’re just making an excuse. Wait for them to make a counter-offer, though, before making another pass. For instance, if one woman you’ve met says she has to go to class and can’t meet, wait for her to suggest an alternate date idea before asking her out again. At that point, she knows you’re interested and will reciprocate when and if she is ready.

Evaluating Yourself

Regain your confidence. Divorce can be hard on the ego. You may feel unwanted, unloved, or cynical and suspicious of others after getting divorced. But unless you are comfortable with who you are and can honestly confront the pain, frustration, and disappointment you feel about your past, you will continue to lack confidence. The dissolution of your marriage may have felt like the end of the world, but those feelings don’t own you. Stay mindful of your feelings and practice emotion-focused coping. Emotion-focused coping is the strategy of acknowledging that you cannot change what happened, but you can change your reaction to it. In other words, accept that you’ve been through a divorce and feel bad about it, but remember that you still have the rest of your life ahead of you. Look forward to happier tomorrows. Try to avoid your ex. Talking to or otherwise interacting with them might reopen old wounds. If you find they’re on your mind, distract yourself by going for a jog or playing a game. Being in a happy relationship does not define you. Become happy and confident with yourself before you attempt another relationship.

Stay positive. Dating after a divorce can be a challenge. When your marriage ends, you may feel depressed and hopeless. Combat these negative feelings by rebuilding your positive mental attitude. Write a list of your good qualities and post it somewhere you’ll see it each day like your fridge. For instance, you might list qualities like “generous, caring, thoughtful,” and “intelligent” (among others) on your list. Share your list with a support group of friends or family to get a more objective view of yourself. Look at it when you wake each day. Make a list of new beliefs or affirmations you want to incorporate into your thinking. Read these new concepts or beliefs aloud after reading your list of positive qualities. For instance, you might make an affirmation list which reads, in part, “I am a good person and deserve to be happy,” and “I do not need to be married to have a full life.” When you feel negative feelings or thoughts intruding, make yourself aware of them and push them away. Tell yourself they are not your real thoughts, and are thus empty of meaning.

Take care of yourself. Do not let your divorce ruin your life and health. Spend time with your family and friends. Engage in the hobbies you haven't had time for due to marital obligations, or develop new hobbies that you've always wanted to try. Maintain good hygiene by dressing well, showering and shaving regularly, and brushing and flossing your teeth. Eat a healthy diet centered on fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. Keep your home tidy and clean. Feeling organized and fresh will give you a positive energy and help you attract women, too.

Set appropriate personal standards. Ask yourself what your social price is -- the value you assign yourself as a person. Will you set a low social price and become involved with anyone willing to tolerate you? Or will you demonstrate that you value yourself and be more selective in your dating practices? While these decisions often go on at the unconscious level, becoming more aware of your dating behavior is an important step towards determining what kind of relationship you can expect when meeting women.

Plan activities you can do with the women you meet. Make a list of at least 15 activities you’d like to do with an ideal partner that you couldn’t or didn’t do with your ex-spouse. For instance, your ex may have hated the rodeo, auto races, and the gun range. Being honest about what you’re interested in and what you look for in a partner will help you make positive dating choices. Look to meet women who are interested in these activities and willing to go with you. Don’t wait too long before asking out women you’re interested in. Sometimes the mere act of going on a date -- even one which ends miserably -- can jump-start your feelings of independence and make you more comfortable with the notion of being single.

Dating Your Ex After a Divorce

Wait a reasonable amount of time before dating your ex. If you jump right into dating your ex when the ink on your divorce is still wet, you or your partner might still feel hurt, betrayed, or angry about whatever occurred between you which culminated in your divorce. Depending on your specific situation, the two of you might not feel at peace with your past for five years or more. On the other hand, you might feel comfortable dating again after just one year. Be honest with yourself and expect your partner to do the same when you renew your romantic relationship with them after a divorce.

Ask your ex for a date. Asking your ex for a date is little different than asking any other woman for a date, with the useful exception that you already know her. However, before asking her out, be sure that she is open to the idea. Inquire through mutual friends or intermediaries what her feelings are about you. If you’re still in regular contact with her, broach the subject gingerly. Inquire, for instance, “Do you think there’s any chance we could rebuild our relationship?” If she replies in the affirmative, move forward with the dating process. One of the good things about dating your ex-wife is that you already know just what to say to make her interested in going out with you. Think about her favorite restaurants, bands, and activities, and inform her that you have tickets or reservations at the venue in question. Use your knowledge of her sense of humor when asking her out. For instance, if her favorite band is Great Band, you might jokingly say, “I’m pretty busy this weekend. I have two tickets to the Great Band concert on Saturday. Couldn’t find anyone to go with me. Oh, well! I’m going to make a ton of money scalping this extra ticket!” At that point, she will probably be very excited to go out with you again. If she is not, however, don’t feel too badly. She is probably just not at the stage where she feels comfortable dating you again. Be patient when attempting to date your ex.

Date your ex for the right reasons. Do not date your ex out of loneliness. Similarly, do not date your ex simply because he or she is very familiar to you. Date your ex only because you believe that you two are compatible together and are capable of a new relationship of mutual love and respect. Search your feelings and be honest with both yourself when determining why you want to date your ex.

Break your negative relationship patterns. Negative relationship patterns are those behaviors or attitudes which repeatedly result in conflict or complaint on the part of you or your partner. While you cannot change your partner, you can change yourself. Avoid extreme positions like “I will never ___” or exaggerated accusations like “You never/always ____.” For instance, if your ex spends a lot at the grocery store, don’t say “You always spend too much on groceries we don’t need.” Instead, explain in a clear, calm tone “I don’t think we should be spending so much on groceries, they always go bad before we can eat them all.” While all relationships have both good and bad times, re-engineering your relationship with your ex requires that on balance, you have more good times than bad.

Listen to your ex-spouse. Sometimes we become so familiar with someone’s ideas and beliefs that we tune them out when they speak because we think we know what the are going to say, or because we think we’ve heard it all before. When you’re dating your ex, to make the relationship work you will need to adjust the way you communicate, starting with your listening skills. Couples often fall into certain communication styles or habits and have a hard time breaking them. Date your ex-spouse with an open mind and try to hear their point of view anew, as if for the first time. Since you and your ex have spend a significant amount of time apart, chances are you both have changed. Hear them out. Do not interrupt your spouse when they are critiquing you or offering advice. Listen to everything they have to say and speak only after they are done speaking.