Taking Time to Assess the Relationship
Know the typical signs of a serious attraction. If you’re not convinced you’re really into someone, it’s good to know the usual indicator of a strong attraction. In general, when you really like another person, you seem to think about them all the time, even when you’re not with them. You can’t wait to learn all about them. You’re excited to introduce them to your friends. The hot person in the apartment across the hall no longer catches your interest. You feel like you’re invincible. If you don’t feel overly excited about the prospect of seeing this other person and getting to know more about them, chances are, you could be just using them to fill a void.
Ask for some space. A great way to get to the bottom about your feelings is to take a break from the relationship. Getting some time apart can help you reflect on your attraction for the person and decide how you feel when they’re not around. You don’t have to come out and tell the person why you need space. But, you can say: “We’re moving really fast, and I want to slow it down. Can you give me the week/weekend to think?”.
Identify what you like about this person. Spend some time reflecting on what attracted you to your partner. Sit down and make a list. Review your list for any red flag that point to this person being a solution for your loneliness. For example, does your list describe their quirky personality, honesty, and ambition, which are healthy traits to desire in a partner? Or, do you simply like that they are always available when you call? Other examples might be that this person is attractive and makes you look good in front of your friends. Maybe you don’t care about them beyond the fact that they symbolize your ability to find an attractive mate.
Question whether anyone could fill their void. Now for the moment of truth: ask yourself if there is something truly unique about the other person that attracts you. Reflect on this as you get space from the relationship. What are they providing that is special and different from what you get from others? Can someone else fulfill their purpose? For example, are you glad to have someone to go out with on weekends? Pretty much anyone can give you that. If that’s all you value about the other person, you could be unknowingly using them to avoid loneliness.
Figuring Out if You’re Lonely
Make new friends. A great way to diagnose loneliness is to treat it. Spend time with other people besides a significant other. Fill your social calendar with fun activities and gatherings. Join a club or organization to meet people with common interests. Take a cooking or dance class. Ask a coworker or acquaintance out to lunch or coffee. Other ways to find friends might be reach out to old connections through social media. Strike up a conversation with someone in your favorite shop or boutique. Join a meetup to connect with people who have the same hobbies as you. If, in the midst of your increased social activity, you don’t find yourself missing the other person or wishing they could join you, there’s a chance you were just lonely.
Volunteer. Another terrific way to socialize is through volunteerism. It helps you connect with people and make a difference in your local community. Offer to visit a nursing or retirement home and help with craft time. Dedicate a few hours a week to the local homeless or animal shelter. Or, simply offer to babysit your neighbor’s kids each Thursday so that they can have a standing date night. Giving back to others offers a load of benefits such as enhancing self-esteem and fighting loneliness. If you find that you no longer think about your partner due to your new obligations, odds are you just needed to get out more.
Develop hobbies outside of the relationship. Does your relationship consist of you doing all the activities that your partner enjoys? If so, you can help clarify your feelings by pursuing your own passions. These passions may help you feel more satisfied in life. As a result, you may find that you don’t like this person as much as you thought. Take up a new fitness class at a nearby gym. Learn a new language. Bake more often. Go fishing. Just do things that you like.
Set personal goals. Feeling unfulfilled in other areas of life can lead you to jump into a relationship prematurely. Take some time to work on yourself. As you start focusing on your future by goal-setting, determine if the other person factors into the picture. Think about something that you have been wanting to do for you. Maybe that includes getting more training in your chosen career or planning to travel abroad. If you consider that person’s role in your future, then there’s a chance you see them as more than just a placeholder.
Avoiding a Rebound Relationship
Wait until you have grieved past relationships before moving on. You may not be sure that you like this person because you entered the relationship shortly after ending another. This is a classic mistake, and can undermine your ability to form a healthy relationship with this person. Avoid jumping into a new relationship too quickly. Wait until you have completely resolved your feelings for your ex. Maybe you got dumped and wanted to save face by quickly finding a new love. Or, maybe you’ve been divorced for some time and everyone keeps asking when you will start dating again—but you’re not quite over your ex. These aren’t good reasons to start a new relationship.
Take new relationships slowly. If you have gotten hot and heavy with this new person over a span of days or weeks, you could be using the new relationship to cover up unresolved problems. A healthy relationship progresses at a moderate pace in which both people steadily become more affectionate. If you swear you are in love after a week, you could be rebounding to prevent loneliness. Rebound relationships tend to become physical fast, but they may be less emotional. If you don’t feel the need to open up to this person, and your attraction to them feels strictly physical, you might be in a rebound relationship. If you are dating someone who has all the opposite traits of your ex, that is also often a sign of a rebound relationship.
Learn how to be single. A major reason many people get into rebound relationships is because they fear being single. In truth, there are numerous upsides to being single like getting to know yourself, focusing on building a meaningful career, and spreading your love among family and friends. Don’t fall for the misconception that being alone equals being lonely. Being single can be enjoyable when you build your social network with supportive friends and family. Plus, you can learn to be single by directing your attention on improving yourself. Go back to school. Clean up your diet. Set objective goals. Don’t assign your value based on your relationship status.
Work on your self-esteem. If your self-confidence is wrapped up in your identity of being half of a whole, you may need to work on that. Feeling less-than because you are single could contribute to you entering a toxic relationship just to feel the void. If you improve your self-esteem, you can overcome loneliness and make yourself a better candidate for the right mate when they come along. Recognize your positive qualities that have nothing to do with your relationship status. Write them down and hang them on your bathroom mirror as a reminder. Improve your self-talk. Don’t call yourself a “loser” because you’re at home on a Saturday night. Either make plans with a friend or remind yourself that your value isn’t in your social calendar.
See a therapist for codependency issues. Codependent people are basically obsessed with caring for others, even at the sake of their own health and well-being. If you have a type in relationships, always dating someone who always needs help or care-taking, you may need to work with a professional. Codependency can make you feel empty if you don’t have someone to care for. Therefore, you refuse to be alone and find a new relationship even if you aren’t actually in love with the person. If this sounds like you, ask your doctor about getting a referral to a mental health therapist who can help you get to the root of this problem.
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