Giving Your Brother (Some) Attention
Set aside sibling time. If your brother is always pestering you when you are hanging out with your friends or chilling in your room, try scheduling a special time to do something with him. You could plan a specific time each week to do something fun with your brother, such as Saturday afternoon when you have free time. Ask him what he would like to do, or come up with an idea together. You could also set aside time during the week to do something you both enjoy. For instance, you can tell your brother that you will play video games with him on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 4:00 to 5:00 PM. If he continues to nag you, explain that you won’t be able to do the special thing you planned if you can’t finish your homework or your basketball game with your friends. You might even begin a weekly tradition, such as going bowling or watching a movie together on Friday nights. Hanging out with your brother regularly will also have the added benefit of improving your relationship. He’ll be less likely to bug you if he gets to know you better.
Introduce him to friends. Maybe your brother nags you to hang out because he doesn’t have friends. Maybe he is shy and has a hard time meeting people. If he has friends, he’ll be less likely to always pester you. If your friend has a younger brother about the same age as yours, plan to do something together so that they can meet. The four of you could plan to hit the ball around at the park one weekend. If you don’t know anyone with a younger sibling, take your brother places where he might meet a friend. If you have a neighborhood park where kids play basketball, ask him if he wants to go and join the game. Introduce yourself to the other kids if your brother is shy and then introduce your brother.
Suggest a hobby. Help your brother find other interests than bugging you! Hobbies that your brother can do by himself will be the best ones to suggest. Otherwise, he might begin to nag you to help him with his hobby. Consider your brother’s interests. If he seems really interested in insects (versus being afraid of them), ask him if he would want to start a bug collection. Maybe your brother likes to read. Lend him a book you really enjoyed or offer to take him to the library. Spending a couple hours at the local library might just result in less pestering during the week, since your brother will be engrossed in his books! If your brother likes to create things, you could get him a model airplane to put together. If he is tech-y, you could help him gather old computer hardware so he can build his own.
Teach him a sport. Maybe your brother really wants to hang out at the skate park, but doesn’t know how to do any tricks. If you spend some time showing him how and helping him practice, he will be more confident in going to the park by himself. He will likely also meet other kids who skate and make friends on his own. You could also offer to help him get the equipment he needs for the sport he wants to try. If you drive, take him to the sporting goods store one weekend and help him pick out the stuff he needs. If your brother doesn’t have money to buy a skateboard or basketball sneakers, you could help him earn some extra cash. For instance, if your parents will pay you to clean the garage, offer to help your brother do this extra chore but don’t demand any of the money. Alternately, if he has a birthday coming up, give him a gift card as a present.
Offer a reward (or bribe). As a last resort, promise your brother something if he will stop bothering you. Loan him your ipod or let him pick the television show if he will leave you alone! Perhaps you are trying to finish your homework, but your brother keeps interrupting you. Try loaning him something for a short period of time with the requirement that, while he is borrowing the item, he cannot bother you.
Protecting Your Space and Belongings
Help your brother understand. It’s possible that your brother just simply doesn’t understand why privacy and personal space are a big deal. Begin by talking to him and explaining why it bothers you that he goes through your things. Ask your brother how he would feel if you were touching his personal belongings, rearranging them, and possibly breaking them. Chances are, if given a moment to think, your brother will recognize that he wouldn’t like it if you were doing these things. This will encourage him to reevaluate his behavior. Tell your brother that when he gets older (like you!), he will want his own space. It’s possible that he doesn’t understand that it’s not appropriate to go through someone else’s things without asking first. Yes, sharing can be a great thing, but it has its time and place. If the problem continues, consider asking for a family meeting to discuss privacy and personal space. However, don’t create a situation where your brother feels attacked. Instead of accusing your brother of invading your space, explain how you feel when your space is invaded. In other words, stress your feelings rather than his actions. If your brother still doesn’t want to leave your stuff alone, you could decorate a container or box and give it to him. Tell him that this is a place where he can collect his favorite things. You can put one of your brother’s prized possessions in the box to get him started, and help him find a special hiding place for the box. This way, you will be teaching him about privacy and personal belongings in a way he can better understand.
Take away the temptation if possible. If your brother constantly messes with one or two of your belongings, see if there is somewhere else you can put those items. You could keep them in your locker at school, at a friend’s house, or in your parents’ room. For instance, if your brother sneaks into your room to play with your guitar, ask your music teacher at school if you can store your guitar there. You could also ask your parents if you can keep the guitar in their room when you aren’t using it. Your brother will be less likely to sneak into your parents’ room.
Ask your parents for a lock. If your brother is constantly snooping in your room, and you’ve tried everything else, explain the extent of the situation to your parents. Ask them if they would allow you to lock your room when you are not home so that your brother doesn’t go through your things or break any of your valuables. Your parents might be hesitant to allow you to lock your room, since you would be locking them out of your room as well as your brother. Be sure to say that you want them to have a key so that they can access your room if need be when you are not home. If you share your room with your brother, you obviously can’t lock him out of your room, because it’s his room, too! Instead of asking for a lock on your room, you could ask your parents for a lock box where you could store the important things that your brother keeps messing with. Again, emphasize that you would want your parents to have a key as well so that they know you aren’t trying to keep secrets from them.
Put a password on electronic devices and online accounts. If your brother steals your phone, laptop, or ipod, you can password protect these items so that he cannot use them. Also, be sure to secure your online accounts (such as gmail and facebook) by changing the password regularly. Maybe you have a shared, family computer instead of your own laptop. If your brother snoops through your emails or social media accounts, be sure that the passwords aren’t saved on the computer and that you have to manually type in your password to access your accounts. If your brother reads your school work on your shared computer, consider saving your work on a flash drive or in a password protected cloud storage platform, such as Google Drive or Dropbox.
Avoiding Conflicts
Think about the reasons your brother bugs you. Maybe you are jealous of your brother, or he is jealous of you. Maybe you think your brother is annoying because it seems like he gets all the attention. It’s pretty typical that an older sibling thinks the younger sibling is the favorite. Understand that you and your brother have different personalities and, because of that, sometimes butt heads. You can still be kind to your brother even if you don’t always like him. If you typically feel left out or like your parents only give attention to your younger brother, consider requesting a family meeting or talk to your parents one on one. Very politely explain that you desire a good relationship with your brother and have realized that the conflict stems from your feelings of jealously. Try to come up with a solution together. It's possible that your parents just aren’t aware that you feel this way. Be sure that you aren’t accusing them of neglecting you. Instead of putting the focus on what they don’t do, put the focus on your feelings.
Do not engage in an argument right away. If your brother tries to pick fights or purposely does things to annoy you, don’t take the bait. Smile and keep doing whatever you were doing. If you find that you can’t keep yourself from responding negatively, you can say something like “I’ll have to think about what you said,” and then go into another room. Lock the door if necessary.
Talk it out. Ask your brother why he is bothering you, but don’t make it sound like you are attacking him. Say, “Why are you (saying, doing) that?” If he continues to bother you, tell him, “I feel (sad, hurt) when you (say those things, do those things) to me.” Make this about your feelings and not about his actions.
Know it’s a phase. You don't want to behave in a way that could damage your future relationship with your brother. It might not seem like it now, but when you get older, your annoying brother might just turn into your close friend.
Spend time apart. We fight most with the people we are around all the time. Time away from your brother will help you have a more positive relationship. If you find it hard to avoid your brother at home, consider joining an after school club or volunteering in your community. In this way, you would be taking yourself out of the situation and would also be doing something positive for yourself or your community.
Talking to Your Brother
Take initiative. Notice that it is you who is starting a dialogue with your brother in most of the above scenarios. You want to solve the problem instead of making it worse, so communicating your needs and feelings with words is important. Try talking to your brother when you are both in a good mood, not when you are angry at each other. Don’t promise your brother something if you can’t follow through. If you set aside time to hang out, for instance, be sure that you do not schedule anything else during that time. Tell your brother the truth. He will know if you are being dishonest and will resent you for it.
Speak calmly. Don’t yell or raise your voice. Even if you are frustrated, you will only make the situation worse if you start screaming, and your parents most likely do not want to hear you arguing. If your brother says something to push your buttons, do not respond immediately. Take a few deep breaths or walk away. Physical distance, however, will not resolve your problem, but it might give you some time to cool down.
Show your brother some respect. Don’t talk down to your little brother. He may be younger, but he’s usually not incapable of understanding when you’re being rude. Don’t speak too slowly or use sarcasm. Pretend he is a friend of yours. How would you speak to a friend if they were doing something that bothered you?
Don’t get physical. No matter what, do not engage in violence. Do not hit, push, pinch, or bite your brother. Control your temper by sitting on your hands if you have to. If your brother is violent towards you, do not hit back. Reflect on the moments when your brother has shown aggression toward you. Was it in response to something you said or did? In the future, try to avoid creating a situation where your brother might respond with violence. For instance, maybe your brother always hits you when you ignore him. Instead of ignoring him when he is talking to you or asking for help, acknowledge that he has spoken. If he is interrupting you, respond to him, but explain that you are busy now and that you can help him a little later.
Be a role model. Your brother is probably bugging you so much because he wants to be like you. Even if he’s being mean to you, the fact that he’s paying attention to you at all proves that he wants to be around you. Do the right thing and show him how to handle difficult situations with grace. One day he’ll thank you.
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