How to Get Over Your Fear of Women

Building Confidence in Yourself

Make a list of your positive attributes. When you can love and accept yourself, you'll feel more confident when you're around other people. List your strengths, achievements, and things you admire about yourself. Write at least three things in each category. Think back on times you did something you were really proud of. Recall this memory when talking to women so as to maintain your confidence. For instance, three of your strengths might read “kind, caring, thoughtful.” A list of three achievements might be “won first place in the local poetry jam, got a great new job, earned the high score at my favorite arcade game.” A list of three things you admire about yourself might be “I often volunteer at local charities, I donate cash to nonprofits which I believe in, and I compost all my food scraps.”

Think positive thoughts. If you encounter a negative thought about yourself such as “I am undesirable to women,” or "They intimidate me," envision it just floating past you in your mind’s eye. Replace it with active affirmations such as “I have many positive qualities and do not need to be afraid of women.” Do not dwell on or obsess over your negative thoughts. You are in control of your emotions; your emotions are not in control of you. While you can’t decide what you feel, you can decide how to act upon those feelings. Stay conscious of what you’re feeling and thinking in order to keep your confidence high and find the courage to talk to women. Use self-talk to stay positive. Self-talk is the inner monologue you have with yourself, the running script in your mind. Negative self-talk brings you down with toxic thoughts like “I am no good, and people do not like me.” Positive self-talk, by contrast, helps you focus on the good things in life. By taking control of your self-talk with conscious thoughts like “I am a winner and have a bright future,” you can improve your self-esteem and overall attitude.

Tend to your hygiene. Wear clean clothes which smell fresh. Utilize deodorant. Brush and floss your teeth at least twice daily. Shave as needed and shower daily. Trim your nails and keep your hair clean and trimmed too. Talking to people is easier when you are well-kempt and feeling fresh. Take a shower each day. You can shower at night or in the morning, whichever works for your schedule. Some people like showering in the morning because it helps them wake up. Others prefer showering in the evening because they can then wash away the day’s sweat and grime. When brushing, use the roll method. This involves moving the brush not in straight vertical or horizontal lines across your teeth, but in tight, concentric circles from the base of your gums to the ends of your teeth. If you have dandruff, use a specialized dandruff shampoo and conditioner. Avoid dry places and consider buying a humidifier in order to mitigate the effects of the dry environment on your scalp.

Stay away from people who make you feel bad about yourself. Don’t listen to people who make you feel you’re too tall, too fat, too thin, or too short to talk to women. Don’t buy into the lie that women will never be attracted to you because of some deficiency that someone at some point insisted you suffer from. If someone makes you feel bad, let them know. Say something along the lines of “What you said earlier really hurt my feelings. I did nothing to deserve your cruel words. Please do not speak unkindly to me." This will bring the negative behavior to the offending party’s attention and they will probably apologize.

Take care of your health. Looking after yourself and getting fit will help you build the confidence you need to get over your fear of women. A few simple, healthy habits will give you a more positive energy when dealing with others and when thinking about your own abilities and self-worth. Aim to get 6-8 hours of sleep each night. Being rested will both help you maintain a positive attitude and keep you engaged when talking to women. Eat a healthy diet that includes plenty of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains. There are many benefits to working out regularly. Regular exercise will help you build stamina, gain strength, and even help you improve your outlook on life. That adds up to increased confidence, which you'll need to overcome your fear of women. Try a variety of exercises like swimming, biking, jogging, and lifting weights. Start slowly with whatever workout you settle on and increase the intensity of your sessions each day. For instance, when you begin, run a mile each day, then after a week increase your distance to two miles each day.

Learn the art of conversation. Being able to converse easily with many people from different walks of life is a skill which can be learned. Practice talking to a friend, then increase your audience size to larger groups of three or four so you can effectively hold listeners’ attention in bars or parties. Learn to tell jokes. Making people laugh is a great way to break the ice. People gravitate towards those who can crack a good joke. If you’re skilled at telling jokes, you’ll easily make a positive impression on women and will have no reason to fear talking to them. Focus on the topic at hand, not on your own perception of yourself. Don’t worry about how you look, what may or may not be between your teeth, or how your hair is combed. Being engaged, not distracted, when in conversation with a woman will make you less anxious during the exchange.

Reframing How You View Women

See women as people. Do not place women, or any particular woman, on a pedestal. No woman is perfect. Women are human beings just like you, with their own struggles and challenges. Many women are just as scared and vulnerable as you are. Being realistic in your evaluation of women as a whole can render you less afraid of them. Every woman has her own unique characteristics and traits. Learn about them in greater depth to find out how to best converse with a given woman. For instance, you might ask one woman about her favorite sports team, while you might inquire with another about her family. Learn what each woman values in their life, and encourage her to share it with you. Accept that not all women will get along with you. Women are individuals, each of whom has their own tastes and preferences. Some people just don’t get along.

Gain some perspective on the issues that women struggle with. Women confront huge problems in their everyday lives that men never have to think about. Wage disparities, sexual harassment, abortion rights, and the double day are just a handful of the challenges unique to women. The more you understand women and their struggles, the less they will seem to be an alien race, and the less scared of them you will become. Read accounts of women’s liberation and struggles. Literature by feminist activists like Gloria Steinem will enlighten you as to how women’s experiences and goals are different than -- but just as valid as -- those of men. Other important feminist literature like A Room of One’s Own, Herland, and The Yellow Wallpaper will illustrate women’s issues for you in great relief. Understanding these differences can erode the fear you have for women and replace it with an abiding respect and admiration.

Identify women’s accomplishments. Some people think women are best suited to simply being mothers or wives and doing domestic chores. When you see that women are just as capable of greatness as men, you’ll be less likely to think of them as another, separate category unto themselves. Think of a professional field and think about all the women who have contributed to it. Seeing accomplished women will help you realize that they can inspire you as much as a man can. Conversing with talented women can expand your horizons. Women artists include Mary Cassatt and Georgia O’Keefe Women scientists include Marie Curie and Carolyn Porco Women politicians include Margaret Thatcher and Elizabeth Warren

Don’t focus so much on women’s appearance. Women are more than just a pretty face. While society tends to reinforce the idea that beauty is of paramount importance to a woman’s identity, this is not the case. Women can be tall, short, fat, thin, and conform to various notions of beauty. Beauty is “in the eye of the beholder,” after all, and is defined very differently in different cultures. Instead of immediately being scared off by a tall or very beautiful woman, try calmly introducing yourself to her. Say something like, "Hi, my name is ___." As the conversation progresses, focus on the topic at hand, not the way she looks.

Don’t believe that all women are materialists. Being a materialist means you only care about the superficial things in life, like being beautiful and having money. Not all women pursue men who are rich simply because they want money. Lots of women are not attracted to the most handsome, buff guy; some prefer funny or introspective men. Others value kindness and a warm heart. Recognizing that women don't share a single set of values and goals will help you revise your stereotyped image of them and thus, overcome your fear. Try to get over your fear of women by approaching every woman with an open mind. Don’t create negative associations between one woman and another based solely on gender. Ask yourself how you’d like it if a woman judged all men’s worth and value by comparing them to thugs and criminals. In actual fact, men are more materialistic than women, placing greater importance on status and wealth.

Talking to Women

Talk to all women. It is very important to treat all women as human beings and as equals, not just as potential wives or girlfriends. You might be apprehensive about talking to women because the ones you usually try to talk to are the ones you’re very attracted to and have a hard time conversing with naturally. But if you talk to more women, not just the ones who seem like potential dates, you'll get a lot of practice talking to women which you can apply to the rest of your life. After all, 50% of people on earth are women; you’ll need to talk to some of them at some point. Talking to women should not always be with some ulterior motive in mind like getting a date. Talk to women as you would any other (male) friend. Consider your conversation with women as a mutually beneficial exchange through which you can grow as a person.

Be yourself. Being honest about who you really are and what you think is a skill few possess. Being yourself will put you more at ease around women. If you put on a show in order to overcome your fear of women -- engaging in braggadocio or bravado -- you will eventually be found out, plus you’ll be unhappy since you’ll feel obligated to constantly be the person you initially pretended to be. For instance, if a woman is really into Western films, you should not pretend to also be into Western films just to impress her or make her think you're cool. Use your ignorance as an opportunity to let her wax poetic about High Plains Drifter. Ask lots of engaging questions like "When did it come out?" and "Who starred in it?" The conversation should be an opportunity to learn about the other person and their interests as much as an opportunity for you to demonstrate who you are.

Use friendly body language. Instead of crossing your arms or looking down at your feet, look women in the eye and keep your hands in your pockets or at your sides. Greet everyone with a smile. When telling a story or a joke, use your hands to emphasize and illustrate what you’re saying. A wag of the finger or an open, upward-facing palm are two examples of common hand gestures used when in conversation.

Talk about what she wants to talk about. Don’t just focus on yourself or your likes to the exclusion of her interests. Conversation should be a two-way street. Find out what movies, books, music, and media she likes. Does she like to travel? If so, where to? If you don’t know what she’s interested in, just ask. Don’t get hung up on topics, either. If either of you are ready to talk about something else, jump into the next phase of the conversation. Ask for clarification when she’s explaining or describing something. “Where was that, exactly?” or “What do you mean by that?” are good questions to get deeper into conversation with a woman and show you’re interested. Recognize signs of boredom during a conversation: answers that are short, impersonal, superficial, and delivered in a deadpan manner. If a woman grows quiet and her eyes glaze over, you might want to change the topic or invite her to take the reins of the conversation. Ask “What do you think of that?” or “Have you ever tried that?” to keep her engaged.

Try talking to women with a friend or in groups. Going out to talk to women with a friend or two can make the process of meeting and talking to women easier. Ideally, you’ll head out with someone who has different strengths or conversation techniques than you do. Use the firsthand experience to learn from your friends, and ask for pointers. Head out to bars, clubs, and parties with your friend to get practice talking to women. You don’t have to meet women in traditional dating settings in order to overcome your fear of them. You could start out talking to women in online forums or chatrooms, then later move to face-to-face interaction. Try meeting women at book clubs, coffee shops, and on inter-gender sports teams.

Don’t talk to women who are rude and uninterested. Make it a point to only talk to women who are friendly and polite. Even if a woman isn't interested in your romantically, there are very gracious ways to make that known; she doesn't need to treat you like an annoyance. If she rolls her eyes at you, barely answers you, and acts generally rude, excuse yourself politely. Don’t let anyone act as though they are too good for you. For instance, if you offer to buy a woman a drink and she sneers, "From you? No thanks!", simply shrug and walk away. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment.

Make sure you’re not taking things the wrong way. Sometimes we take comments that were meant only jokingly to heart, especially when they’re from the opposite sex. Before getting hurt or upset, try to rethink the context of the conversation. If you’re hurt by something a woman said, tell her. Chances are she didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Try to learn the way of handling a woman.

Be patient. You might get blown off a few times. You might get nervous and need to bail occasionally. No big deal! Stick with it and don’t be discouraged. Eventually, you will successfully interact with a woman. When you do not effectively talk to women, don’t blame yourself or dwell on it. Think of the conversation as practice, not as a failure. Try to learn something from it and don’t over-analyze any one conversation. It’s hard to know sometimes why a conversation didn’t go well. Try different approaches when talking to women. Talk to women by meeting them on their terms. Be funny in one instance, and reflective and thoughtful in another. Think about the woman you’re talking to: is she a deep thinker or is she more interested in superficial conversation? Match your conversational style and approach to the personality of the person you’re talking to.

Dealing With Rejection

Minimize the importance of negative responses. This can best be accomplished through a strategy known as emotion-focused coping. Emotion-focused coping is the process of recognizing that while you cannot change the situation you are in, you can change the way you react to and feel about it. Change the way you feel about being rejected by understanding that women who reject you don’t understand you, may be just having a bad day, or are already romantically involved with someone else. In other words, you don’t need to take it personally.

Develop a fear of regret. The possibility that you could miss out on a great opportunity to talk to or date a woman is more frightening than the prospect of rejection. There’s nothing worse than realizing how different your life could be if only you’d gone out and talked to women more often or earlier. Imagine your life as a branching path. At one point in your life, you chose to talk to a certain woman, then you fell in love, got married, had kids, and lived happily ever after. In the other scenario, you spent your life afraid of talking to women and spent the rest of your days free and unencumbered, but alone. Which would you prefer?

Get rejected. The only way to make a sword is to put the metal in the fire. Being rejected in a truly painful way will only make you stronger after you get over it. Once your heart has been ripped out by being rejected by a woman you really care for, future rejections, by contrast, will seem less intense. Don't take your rejection personally. Recognize that the rejection has to do with the other person's faults and feelings, not yours. It's okay to feel disappointed when you've been rejected, but don't react with anger or violence against yourself or others when you've been rejected. Yelling or throwing things, for instance, are both unacceptable. There will be more opportunities for you to get over your fear of women in the future, so don't let a few rejections get you down.

Laugh about it. Finding something funny about your rejection may be hard, but it’s an effective way to get over it. When you laugh and smile, you release endorphins, natural painkillers which relieve stress and make us feel good. After you get rejected, try to find at least one funny thing about the situation. It helps if you have a friend along with you to review the experience. Ask your friend, “Wow, did you see her face when I asked her if she wanted to dance?” Being sarcastic, but not bitter, about your experience can help too. “Well that went well,” you might tell yourself after a harsh rejection.