- Focus on your strengths and identify what makes you unique to build your confidence and self-love.
- Use cognitive behavioral therapy to challenge your negative thoughts and address your insecurities.
- Practice self-care and surround yourself with loved ones to make your life better.
- Make positive changes stick by finding your support network, journaling, and learning how to cheer yourself up on bad days.
Cultivating Self-Love
Embrace your individuality. Try to avoid comparing yourself to others and embrace your individuality. Comparing yourself to others will not make you feel good about yourself because you are different than any other person. There's no one out there just like you, who has grown up with your experiences and who has your talents. If you try to compare yourself to other people, it will not affect your self esteem well, because you can always find someone who is stronger, smarter, or prettier than you. Instead, focus on being the person that you want to become, not like your neighbor, the "cool" people in your school, your job, or your neighborhood. Once you define your own version of success, you'll be able to achieve it. You may feel like everyone around you has it better than you do. However, you probably forget all of your amazing strengths. You may not even realize all of the things you have going for you and that someone else wants to be more like you.
Develop your confidence. Confidence is the key to feeling good about yourself and loving the person you are and will become. You can make an effort to feel confident in who you are and what you can achieve, although it might take time. You have to remind yourself that you're an amazing person and that you deserve to be confident in yourself. If you think you're worth it, then you are. To look more confident, perk up your body language. Stand taller, have better posture, and look straight ahead instead of at the ground. Try to sit still or stand with an open demeanor to give off a more positive, approachable vibe. Find something to really excel at or work on excelling in something you already love. If you are already great at something, focus on how amazing you are for being able to do those things. Try to focus on your abilities and how capable you are. You'll feel better about yourself if you're good at something that you love. When you're entering an unknown situation, focus on the best thing that can possibly happen instead of what can go wrong.
Take pride in your strengths. Every person has something that they can feel good about. Take the time to sit down and make a list of all of the things you love about yourself. Force yourself to sit there until you fill a whole page. Dig deep to find things that really make you an amazing person. Think of qualities like your compassion, your sense of humor, your trustworthy character, or your work ethic. The longer and more sincere the list, the better. Some qualities to describe yourself might be loving, studious, hardworking, friendly, strong, clever, sharp, easygoing, and fun. You can also add things about your physical appearance that you like as well, as long as they are sincerely important to you. You want to cover every aspect of you in this list. You should also add to the list any time you think of something else you're proud of. Keep this list nearby and consult it often to continue feeling good. You can even fold it up and put it in your wallet. If you are having trouble making this list yourself, consult people who know you well. Ask your friends or coworkers to describe your strengths; some of them might surprise you!
Expect to have bad days. Sometimes you just have to live with the bad feelings and understand that they pass. People think that, to feel good about themselves, they have to feel amazing 100% of the time. If you're having a bad day, especially if it's after a string of great days, then avoid putting yourself down about it and know that this too will pass. If you feel extremely sad, be sure to talk someone who cares about you and who will listen to your problems. If you have felt very sad for at least half a year, consult a medical professional. When you're in a bad mood, your body also knows it. Think about which part of your body gets out of whack when you're crabby or upset. If you recognize your body's signals, you may be able to figure out what's bothering you and make yourself feel better.
Work on developing a positive attitude. This can be difficult. It may take time to be positive all the time, but you can make it more a part of your life. Developing a positive attitude is a decision you have to make yourself, and stick to every day. If you have a more positive attitude, then you'll feel better about yourself, as well as your future prospects and all that you can accomplish. You can work on recognizing when your thoughts are overly negative and turn them around to lead yourself to a healthier mindset. For every negative thought that crosses your mind, fight it with at least two or three positive thoughts. For example, if you think, "I look so tired today," you can say, "But my hair looks pretty great and I still have an amazing smile." Be compassionate toward yourself. Talk to yourself like you would the person/animal you most love when you're hurting inside. On a deeper level, if you think something like, "I am just so awkward in social situations," you should say, "But I usually know how to make people laugh and people seem really comfortable around me." Work at it every day. Even if your attitude goes unnoticed, practice your positive attitude. You never know how large a difference it can make, and practice will make it easier to do. Practice talking about yourself positively to your friends. Talk about something you've accomplished or something you're excited about. You'll find that your optimism is contagious, and that you'll feel better about yourself just by talking about it out loud. If your friends do not like talking about the good parts of your life, consider if these people truly make you happy and feel good about yourself. Decide on the significance of things before deciding to get upset. For example, many people get upset with unexpected, bad traffic. However, only sometimes
Know that you have a lot to offer. Even if you feel like no one needs you or that you are not helpful, this is rarely the case. Talk to your loved ones to see how needed you really are and how much people appreciate you. Let your family members or friends know how you're feeling, and they'll come back at you with a list of all of the amazing qualities that you posses. Talk to your friends about your problems and they'll tell you underestimate yourself and that they need you in their lives. The more you remember that you're a worthy person who anyone is lucky to know, the sooner you'll realize that you have so much to offer. And if you feel valued, then you'll be on your way to feeling better about yourself. Even if you are currently in a difficult phase of life, you still have the potential to expand upon some interests and become really passionate or skilled at something. You might even offer to ability to share your passion with others. These are all valid reasons to feel good about yourself. Don't forget the compassionate self dialogue during these times.
Make a list of all of the things you're thankful for. You may feel bad about yourself because you feel like you have absolutely nothing to be happy about. Feeling bad about yourself has to do with your perception of who you are and with how you feel about your surroundings. Start making a gratitude list and write down all of the things you're thankful for, from your health to your siblings to the lovely weather outside. This will help you see that you can feel good because there is so much joy, luck, and hope all around you. Treat this list like the list of qualities you love about yourself. Fill a whole page and read it over often, adding to it whenever you think of something else. If it is difficult for you to find things to be grateful for, turn this into a positivity exercise. Think of what you are mad about, and push yourself to find 2 good things about every bad situation. For example, you can counter “I’m mad that the dog barking woke me and the baby up at 5am today.” with “1. I spent some bonding time with my son this morning, calming him down; every moment I have with my son is special; and 2. I got to hear the birds chirp as the sun rose.” If you are still struggling, ask others what they are thankful for. You might have something in common.
Focus less on your appearance. Everyone is beautiful in their own special way. It's fine to want to see what's changing and to daydream about who you're becoming. But your self-esteem should rely mostly upon your personal qualities and character; not your physical appearance. If you want to feel good about yourself, then your main priority should be who you are; and if it’s related, then what you look like. But do make exercise a regular part of your life. You'll feel stronger physically and emotionally. Limit your prep time. If you spend all your time wishing you looked perfect, then you will focus on less positive, constructive areas of your life. Determine how much time you will spend doing your hair and makeup and looking in the mirror before you go out. Find a routine that fits into that amount of time. If you spend any more time than that on yourself, you are bound to find flaws where none exist. You have much more self worth aside from your appearance. You should take strength and confidence from your actions and achievements instead of your appearance. For example, you have an amazing day where you get commended for a project you have spent weeks working on. When you get home, you finally get a chance to look in the mirror and realize you had mascara smeared under your eye. Despite the fact that you had a smudge on your face, you still accomplished something great and you should be confident in your abilities. If people compliment you based on your looks, feel free to take the compliment. However, ignore negative remarks, and recognize that compliments your personality are more significant.
Pay less attention to what others think. Care more about what you think of yourself instead of what others think of you. Focus on your own uplifting, positive thoughts about yourself instead of on others opinions about you. At the end of the day, you are the only person who has to live with himself or herself, so your opinion should matter the most. People who insult others usually do it to make themselves feel more powerful. This means that they are probably just as insecure as you are. They are the ones who lack confidence, so try to avoid the comments and avoid jabbing back with an insult. The best thing you can do is to live your life exactly how you want to live it without looking back. This may be easier said than done. Instead of being in denial about caring, ask yourself what is at the heart of wanting to please other people. Ask yourself if the people who hurt you are worth impressing. Soon enough, you'll see that they are only an obstacle to your happiness, not a means toward it. Know whom to trust, and when. For example, most people will say that they trust their own mother the most. However, few people would blindly trust their mother to, say, fly an airplane or rig the lottery. If you want to pay attention to what others think, pick your trusted advisors wisely.
Addressing Insecurities
Understand where the insecurity comes from. Some securities get ingrained in us from an early age. Some children are harshly criticized or ignored and have a tendency to develop low self esteem. Other people develop insecurity when they fail for the first time at something, or are in a new environment. Know how your insecurities develop, and what makes them worse, to handle them better.
Learn about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. There are ways to change your perspective on yourself so that you can begin to feel good about yourself. However, it is a long process. The brain can grow and change long after our bodies reach their permanent size, a phenomenon called brain plasticity. This allows you to learn or to change your thinking patterns at any age. By changing your thoughts, you can ultimately change your behavior. You can do CBT by yourself or with a therapist. Keep in mind that, if you find any of the steps difficult, you should see a therapist who is knowledgeable about CBT to help you.
Identify your thought patterns. The first step in CBT is to identify your thought patterns. Many people who have negative thoughts about themselves believe they are not worth very much, and they will also believe that there is little they can do to change the situation. You need to begin to change the way you think about yourself by first acknowledging how you feel. Being self aware can be difficult at first. Well meaning friends wishing to help you may just tell you to “get over it” and recognize your strengths. There’s more to it than merely making the decision to change.
Start a journal. You should start a journal of all the thoughts you have a day, both positive and negative. Write down the situations that surrounded the event, what your feelings were, and how you handled the situation. This will help you examine your thought patterns over time so you can start changing the negative thinking. Be honest with yourself in the journal. You need to know all your different thoughts to get a full picture. The more honest you are, the more you can change your behavior. Be consistent. Write about everything that you think is important; or, everything that happened at work; or, everything that you worry will happen to your spouse when you’re gone travelling.
Accept your thoughts as valid. Once you journal for a while, you should look back over what you've written. This way, you can achieve more objectivity in relation to your thoughts so you can accept them and come to terms with yourself. Try to remember how you felt when you wrote them, and instead of feeling ashamed or bad about your negative thoughts, accept them. Everyone has them and if you first accept them, you can start to change them. By allowing yourself to feel your negative thoughts, you can own them and begin to make changes. Once you recognize the thought pattern that is causing you to have low self esteem, you can begin to change the way you think.
Change your thoughts. Once you journal all of your thoughts and feelings for a few weeks and accept your feelings as being valid, you need to examine your thoughts and start changing the way you think. Look over your journal, looking for common thought patterns. Find a common thread through some of your thoughts or choose a particularly harsh thought. Take that negative thought and try turn it around to something positive. For example, you were feeling bad because you got behind on an assignment at work. Instead of focusing on your short comings, think about all the times you achieved something great at work or pulled off a hard project. Think to yourself, "I can turn this around because I have a history of doing great work. I just need to focus and I will do amazing, just like on my other work." You want to take things that you feel and make them into positive situations. Know it is okay to feel them, but acknowledge that there are more productive ways of seeing yourself that will help you feel better about yourself. Forgive yourself for past mistakes or events. There is no way to change the past, and you have to give yourself the opportunity to improve. Do you know the saying, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have”? Treat yourself according to who you want to be, not who you were. It will be easier to become that person.
Learn coping skills. Once you look over your activities, you may see that you miss out on certain situations because of your low self esteem. If you notice a pattern of behavior, such as refusing to go into certain social situations because of anxiety and negativity, you should start trying to move past these behaviors. Once you change the thought processes around these events, you can push yourself to enter into them without the worry that there will be negative consequences. For example, you often say no to going out with coworkers because you think they will find you boring and you will just make a fool of yourself. Instead of thinking this way, think about the positive things about yourself and what might come out of it. You have other friends who like you and enjoy your company, so you are interesting. You may also make some new friends and become closer to those at work. If you think of the possibilities of a situation instead of the horrible things that might happen, you might be able to think about yourself in a positive light as well.
Practice. This type of thinking can take time to change. Learning new ways to think about yourself takes practice, but don’t be afraid to think positively about yourself. It may seem difficult at first, but if you keep acknowledging your feelings and recognizing your negative behavior, you can make small moves to change it. After a while, you will find yourself doing it more and more to the point where you have more positive thoughts in your day than negative. If you find yourself having a hard time with this process, you may need to see a therapist. CBT is aided by having a trained professional who knows the methods and might be able to see things about yourself that you may not. In CBT sessions, the therapist works in partnership with you as you work towards your goals.
Taking Action
Do what you consider right. Sometimes people have low self-esteem because they do an action that they themselves consider wrong or unhealthy. Sticking to your moral and ethical codes in everyday life will help you build self-esteem and confidence.
Tell your family and friends about your accomplishments. When you accomplish something you're really proud of, that's when you're at your most beautiful. Acknowledge your hard work, congratulate yourself, and ask others to join your celebration. This will make you routinely feel better about who you are, because you'll have other people cheering you on. Call a grandparent or e-mail a favorite aunt to share the news so you can celebrate with family and friends. Know that this is great for you and them. If you're just talking to your family or friends, it's sharing with those you love. And chances are that if you want to feel good about yourself, then you're have a lot to tell others about your accomplishments.
Accept compliments genuinely. When your friend says,"I liked your presentation," try to avoid brushing her off with "I was so nervous, I forgot a whole slide!." Just say "Thanks," and let the words sink in. If you're self-deprecating or put yourself down any time people try to make you feel good, then they may avoid doing it in the future. Instead, the next time you hear something nice about yourself, look and feel legitimately happy to hear it instead of fighting it. Look the person in the eye and thank her like you really mean it. If the compliment makes you uncomfortable, you do not have to accept it. However, if you like the compliment, accept it.
Celebrate taking care of yourself. For some people, putting in real time and care into their hygiene will make them feel that they are worth taking care of. Taking care of your body is just as important as taking care of your mind, and many extreme forms of hygiene are also relaxing. Examples include taking a long bath or pampering your skin with great-smelling soap or lotion. This is different from throwing on a lot of makeup or buying trendy outfits. This means seeing that your body should be given time and care.
Wear comfortable clothes. You know which shirt makes you feel self-conscious and which pants make you squirm. If you have these clothes, it's time to donate those to charity. Wear your favorite color. If you feel great in it, your confidence will show. If someone teases you about the clothes you wear, shrug it off and say, "Oh well, at least I like them!" Remember that people aren't looking at you or talking about you nearly as much as you think they are. Avoid wearing clothes that make you feel uncomfortable just because you think they are stylish. Do what makes you feel good and everyone will see that you're much more comfortable in your skin that way. In some situations, it will actually be more comfortable for you if you dress according to the venue. For example, if you are going to a business meeting, you should dress according to your employer’s code of conduct, even if the clothing makes you uncomfortable.
Develop your own style. Experiment with clothing to see what makes you feel the best. Some days you might feel fancy and other days you might feel more comfortable. This is normal. Try to visit a clothing store with a friend and try on a few new outfits in colors and styles.You most likely will find something that actually looks good on you. Focusing on your appearance is not unhealthy when your appearance is a fulfilling expression of who you are. For example, wearing your favorite color expresses a preference. Always laugh at the ones that might be less than ideal. The clothes just may be more suited for others. Changing your style can help you discover a side of yourself you never knew you had. Also try a new hairdo. Those with long hair can braid it, twist it, or wear it in a bun. Experiment to find the best way you can express yourself through your appearance and remember, there are many right options. They're all you if you like it.
Be friends with people who make you feel good about yourself. If you are out with friends and they start talking about things that make you uncomfortable, change the subject. If you always find yourself in company that obsesses over appearance, try to change the conversation to less superficial matters. If this happens often, then you may have to find some friends with stronger values. Ask yourself if your friends are mostly complimenting you and supporting you, or nit-picking everything you do. If they are negative about you, then you need to drop them as soon as you can. This may sound harsh, but this can lead you to feel better about yourself. For example, try to change the subject if your friends start talking about their weight or diet and you don't want to talk about it. Show them that there are more interesting things to talk about, such as how their soccer team is doing and how old their little golden retriever pup is this month.
Learn something new. Read an article about something going on in the world. You will feel like you are knowledgeable about some current events, and will also help you get out of your routine and feel like you're branching out. Take a pottery class or watch a documentary. Do something that inspires you to learn and appreciate the world. Soon, you'll feel empowered because of your willingness to change and all of the knowledge you've gained. If you've learned something really interesting, share it with others. That will make you feel like you have even more to offer to the world.
Exercise. Exercising will make you feel better both physically and mentally. Though losing weight or getting in shape may be a byproduct, exercise itself is the important part and will make you feel like you are paying more attention to your body and developing a healthy routine. Plus, the rush of endorphins that make you happier will help. Exercise for at least 30 minutes a day and learn to love whatever it is you'll do. You'll feel good about yourself just by making this simple change in your schedule. Get a workout buddy or two to make the process more fun and encouraging. You'll feel even better if you have a friend cheering you on when you want to quit. If you aren’t satisfied with your current workout routine or haven’t found something you like, keep switching it up and trying new sports. There is a workout regimen for everyone; the question is finding the one that’s right for you. Cheap forms of exercise include running in your neighborhood or park; doing aerobics or weight-free exercises; burpees.
Making Self-Esteem Last
Volunteer. Volunteering is a good way to feel good about yourself and a great way to give back to the community and to see that you have so much to offer to the world. Find a form of volunteering that fits your talents, whether it's teaching people to read or just talking to them. Make a habit of doing it at least a few times a month. Once you start volunteering, you'll see that there are plenty of people who think you are worthwhile, and that you shouldn't have spent so much time being down on yourself. You can get involved by teaching adults or children to read, cleaning up a local park, volunteer at a local library or bookstore, or volunteer at a soup kitchen or homeless shelter. Depending on your skill set, there might be specific forms of volunteering available to you. For example, lawyers often can take pro bono cases, or house architects can help build housing for free.
Continue to keep a journal. Continuing to keep a journal after you've done CBT, or if you have yet to try CBT, because it can help you go down your path to feeling good about yourself. You should write in it at least once or twice a week and chart your progress, noting the things you do to make yourself feel better as well as those that make you feel worse. It can help start a path to happiness but there will always be some obstacles or days when you feel less than ideal. It's important to be honest and to always ask yourself what can make you feel better. Remember that you're on a journey and that it will take some time. Be patient and kind to yourself. Know it takes times to work. Take the time to read over your journal at least once a month. This will help you see how much you have grown.
Cheer yourself up when you need it. If you are feeling sad, accept that it is normal and sometimes even good to feel sad. However, you also can control your emotions and decide not to feel sad if you don’t want to. Experiment with what will make you happy, or ask friends for help. Most people have a go-to activity that makes them feel better. Examples include fishing, shopping, going on hikes, working on a house project, meditating, bowling, seeing friends, exercising, and writing. If it's daytime, open up the window and let in some fresh air and sunlight. If it's nighttime, put on some clean pajamas and curl up with a favorite book, movie, or CD. Take a warm bath or shower if you are feeling stressed. Imagine the water washing away your worries. Also try to create your own peace rituals. When you're angry or stressed out, take three long, slow, deep breaths. Turn on some of your favorite music. Find ways to calm your spirit, and return to those practices whenever you feel anxious. Know it's okay to be upset. The sooner you can address the problem, the sooner you'll feel better.
Start a dream list. Find a notebook and write down places you'd like to visit, experiences you'd like to have, people you'd like to meet, and skills you'd like to learn. A dream list is a great start to creating a life filled with fun, adventure, and interesting experiences. Put a box next to each item on your list so you can check it off when it happens. Having an exciting plan for the future, and making it a priority to actually accomplish it, can help you feel good about yourself because you'll feel like you have a lot to look forward to. Make sure the adventures on your list are actually attainable, no matter how outlandish they are. Try to avoid discouraging yourself by writing down something you can never accomplish.
Get inspired by a role model. Think about what it would take to live like your role model, whether it's your mom, Shakira, or your math teacher. Think about how generously she treats people, how she reacts to disappointing or insulting situations, and how graciously he lives every tiny moment of life and enjoys the purpose of living. Especially if you are feeling low, close your eyes and imagine how your role model would have handled the situation. Using an outside source of inspiration can help you envision what you would do in challenging situations, and will make you feel like you can overcome adversity.
Maintain a strong support network. If you want to continue feeling good about yourself, then you may need help. You have to lean on your friends, siblings, parents, a significant other if you have one, and any other important people in your life. This can include your coworkers, neighbors, or classmates. You need to turn to people in times of crisis and have a listening ear help you out when you need help. You also just want to keep good, kindhearted people around so you can feel excited about what life has in store for you. Though achieving your goals is important, so is being social. Make it a habit to spend time with other people at least a few times a week. It's important to spend time with your loved ones, but there is always time to meet new people. Having a variety of friends and loved ones in your life will enhance your perspective and will make you feel even better about yourself.
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