Working to Change Their Views
Listen to their concerns so you can address them. The only way to convince another person to change their views is by first getting a good understanding of what their views are. You may have heard your parents make homophobic comments before, but maybe you don't really understand why they feel the way they do. Start a dialogue with them about their feelings about gay people and use active listening skills to truly hear their side of things. Avoid interrupting them or defending your own views, even if what they say is upsetting. You will get your chance to talk later.
Ask questions so you can better understand how they feel. Your parents have reasons for their beliefs, and understanding their views will help you see things from their perspective. Your parents may try to shrug it off when you ask "Why are you against gay people?" by responding "Because it's just wrong!" Press them for more information by asking clarifying questions. You might ask, "Why do you think it's wrong?" In some cases, this might pertain to their religious beliefs, but you might also uncover a deeper, or more personal reason that they are against gay people
Give religious parents time to adjust their views. If your parents are religious, they may have learned that homosexual relationships, being transgender, or being nonbinary are wrong. They may struggle to accept that homosexuality is natural and part of who you are. Don’t try to attack their religion, as they’ll likely just push back. Instead, work on educating them with current research. If you know people in your religious community who are accepting of LGBTQ+ individuals, invite them to talk to your parents to share a different viewpoint.Tip: Your parents may attack your faith when they realize you’re LGBTQ+ or an ally. It’s helpful to prepare for these types of comments and questions in advance. You might plan on saying something like, “I think God makes people LGBTQ+,” or “My faith tells me that God loves everyone, and it’s not up to me to judge anyone.”
Explain your perspective to your parents. Tell your parents about your feelings and experiences as an LGBTQ+ individual. Invite them to ask you questions and answer to the best of your abilities. You can also help them find articles, pamphlets, and other educational materials to read. If you aren't LGBTQ+, but are simply trying to broaden their views, you might share an experience of a friend or watch a video with them that portrays an inside perspective. If your parents aren’t willing to open their minds and learn more, there’s not much you can do to convince them. Don’t push too hard, since that might make them even less inclined to listen to you. EXPERT TIP Inge Hansen, PsyD Inge Hansen, PsyD Clinical Psychologist Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise. Inge Hansen, PsyD Inge Hansen, PsyD Clinical Psychologist Our Expert Agrees: Give your parents as much time and space as possible to come to terms with your gender or sexual orientation. Offer them opportunities to learn more about LGBTQ+ identities or meet other parents who are further along in their acceptance journey, if they're open to it.
Don’t give up on your parents. If you love your parents and want them in your life, you’ll have to accept them as they are. Keep reaching out to them, and they will probably respond eventually. They may even have a change of heart and stop being so homophobic. Even if your parents remain homophobic to some degree, they may soften up over time to maintain a relationship with you.
Coming out to Your Parents
Decide whether coming out is a good idea. You deserve to live your life out and proud, but always put your safety first. Unfortunately, coming out to your parents can have harmful consequences if you’re a minor. For instance, your parents might kick you out or say very harmful things to you. Make sure you’re sure your parents won’t threaten your wellbeing before you tell them you’re LGBTQ+. To figure out if they might be ready, consider their responses to your questions about their LGBTQ+ beliefs. Always listen to your intuition! If you feel afraid to tell them, wait until the timing feels right.
Make a plan for how you’ll handle a bad reaction from your parents. Before you tell your parents that you’re LGBTQ+, arrange for a place to stay and someone to talk to in case things go wrong. Additionally, determine how you’ll support yourself if your parents cut you off. While it’s scary and painful to think about these things, it’ll help you protect yourself if things don’t go well. For example, you might arrange to stay with a supportive family member who can help cover your costs until you’re ready to be on your own. Alternatively, you might stay with a friend’s family.
Find a good time to come out. Talk to your parents when you and they are calm and in a good mood. Avoid coming out during a busy or emotionally tense time, like a holiday, a big family event, or an argument. You want your parents to be as receptive as possible to what you have to say. Think about what you’ll say ahead of time, so you don’t get tongue-tied. Ask a trusted friend or adult to help and support you during this conversation.
Be kind and compassionate with your parents as they adjust. Your coming out may come as a shock to your parents. They might react with sadness, confusion, or denial. Try to understand where they are coming from, and be as gentle as you can during your conversation. Reassure them that you’re happy, and tell them you can still do things like get married and have kids.Tip: You have every right to be upset if your parents have a negative reaction. Try to remind yourself that they’re likely just worried about your happiness and well-being. Explain that what’s most important for your happiness is that they love and support you for who you are.
Give them a chance to respond, but leave if you’re unsafe. Your parents might get upset or may try to argue with you about your LGBTQ+ identity. This can be very painful, but it doesn’t mean they won’t eventually accept you. Listen to them if they’re not threatening you, and try to reassure them that what you really need from them right now is for them to just love you. Try not to argue with them, as this might escalate the situation. Instead, say something like, “I understand that you feel that way, but I hope you’ll understand that this is who I am,” or “I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t agree with your beliefs. I know you love me, and I just hope you’ll accept me as I am.”Warning: It’s possible that your parents will become violent or threatening. If this happens, remove yourself from the situation immediately and go somewhere safe. Remember that this behavior is not your fault, and you don’t deserve to be treated this way.
Give your parents time to process what you said. Your parents may need time to think about what you said and to accept that you’re LGBTQ+. Your relationship with them might feel awkward and strained for a while before it starts to get better. Be patient with them as they let go of their previous goals for you and accept who you really are.
Emphasize that you’re still the same person. Your parents may be afraid of losing the child they love, so show them you’re still the same person. Live your life like you normally do. Talk about your day, discuss your plans, and invite your parents to do things you’d normally do as a family. Acting the same as you always have will help your parents feel “normal” about your relationship again.
Explain that accepting your LGBTQ+ identity makes you happy. Your parents may fear that being LGBTQ+ will make you a target for bullying or that you won’t live a fulfilling life. These fears may make them fight to change who you are. Help them understand that these fears are unfounded. Tell them that what’s most important is that you have their love and support. You might say, “I can see why you’d be worried about me, but I’ll be okay. I just need you to love me.”
Coping with a Bad Reaction
Follow your backup plan. If your parents don’t take the news well, grab your packed bag and go to the place where you’ve planned to stay. Focus on taking care of yourself during this time. Later, you can reach out to your parents to see if they’re open to acceptance. EXPERT TIP Inge Hansen, PsyD Inge Hansen, PsyD Clinical Psychologist Dr. Inge Hansen, PsyD, is the Director of Well-Being at Stanford University and the Weiland Health Initiative. Dr. Hansen has professional interests in social justice and gender and sexual diversity. She earned her PsyD from the California School of Professional Psychology with specialized training in the area of gender and sexual identity. She is the co-author of The Ethical Sellout: Maintaining Your Integrity in the Age of Compromise. Inge Hansen, PsyD Inge Hansen, PsyD Clinical Psychologist Our Expert Agrees: Remember that just because your parents aren't accepting, it has nothing to do with you and your inherent worth. Find people in your life who will accept and celebrate you for who you are. Also, if your parents are extremely homophobic, you may need to take precautions to protect your own emotional well-being and ensure you will still have a home and financial support despite their beliefs.
Go somewhere safe if your parents become violent or threaten you. Unfortunately, your parents may lash out at you after you come out. You don’t deserve this type of treatment, and it’s important that you move to safety. Leave the situation and call someone you trust for help. Then, move to a safe location until you feel ready to contact your parents. It’s best to arrange to stay with a friend or family member before you tell your parents. If you don’t have anywhere to go, contact local LGBTQ+ organizations to get help finding a place to stay. You might also try local shelters if there are any near you. If you’re a member of a faith community, you might find someone there who will allow you to stay with them.
Recognize verbal abuse when you hear it. It’s not okay for your parents to say cruel, hurtful things to you. In addition to insults, your parents may threaten you, make jokes about you, or withhold affection from you. If your parents say these types of things to you, try not to take them personally. Until you can move out, remind yourself that your parents are speaking from a place of fear. Talk to a counselor or friend who can help you deal with your parents’ harmful statements. Verbal abuse is still abuse. It may be best for you to arrange to live somewhere else if your parents continue to treat you this way.
Surround yourself with people who support you. You likely have people in your life who accept you for who you are. If you don’t, reach out to members of the LGBTQ+ community, either in person or online. Ask these supporters to be there for you during this time. Talk to these people when you need to vent or get advice. Spend time with your supporters to boost your mood. Rely on your support system when you need a place to stay, financial support, or food.
Talk to a counselor who can help you process your feelings. Feeling rejected by your parents is a painful experience. A counselor can help you deal with your emotions and create a healthy mindset. Look for a counselor online, through an LGBTQ+ support group, or at your school. You may be able to get counseling for free through your school or a local university with a psychology program. Additionally, there may be free support groups for LGBTQ+ individuals in your area.Variation: You may be able to use a free chat line to get support. For instance, you might try Q Chat Space, which will allow you to talk to someone your own age.
Standing up for Yourself
Ask your parents to attend family counseling if they can’t accept you. It’s really painful to feel rejected by your parents, but your relationship can get better. Counseling may help you communicate better with your parents. Additionally, your counselor may help you all understand things from each other’s perspective. Tell your parents that you want to improve your relationship and ask them to make an appointment for counseling. Even if your parents don’t want to talk to a counselor, consider getting individual counseling for yourself. If you’re in high school or college, you can probably talk to a school counselor for free.
Make it clear that you aren’t asking for permission. Your parents might try to forbid you from being anything but straight. Don’t get into an argument with them – you won’t win, and it might make the situation worse. Instead, calmly tell them that you aren’t going to change, but you still want a relationship with them. Say something like, “I understand that you don’t approve, and I’m not asking for permission. I’m just hoping for your acceptance and tolerance.”
Live your life for yourself. You are the one who has to live your life, so resolve to do it on your own terms, not your parents’. Your parents may be unhappy or even angry about your sexual orientation, but it’s not their place to make you behave or feel a certain way. However, remember that if you’re living in your parents’ house, they still have some say over your activities. If you’re worried about how coming out will affect your day-to-day life, it may be time to step out on your own.
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