How to Deal with a Lying Best Friend

Managing a Single Lie

Figure out their motive. People lie for different reasons and it's usually not clear-cut. Though your friend's lying may have hurt you, that may not have been their intention. Think about the underlying goal behind your friend's lie. What purpose did the lie serve? Did it get them out of trouble, make them look good in front of others, or prevent someone's feelings from getting hurt? For example, your friend may have told you they weren't seeing anyone, but you later find out they were secretly in a relationship. They may have lied because they weren't ready to introduce their date or weren't sure if the relationship was serious.

Reflect on your own actions. Your friend may have lied due to extreme pressure or influence from you or someone else. To see if this is the case, look back over your behavior before the lie. Did you do or say something that influenced the lie? For instance, your best friend lies about seeing your girlfriend with someone else because you just said “Everyone is trying to tear us apart.” They may have lied so they aren't accused of sabotaging your relationship.

Get someone else's input. Before you make up your mind about things, get a second opinion. Talk to a parent, sibling, or another close friend about what happened. Laying out the events to someone else could help you get a different perspective. Say something like, “Hey, Rita, I'm worried that Jen is lying about something. How has she seemed to you lately?”

Be direct. A straightforward confrontation may be the best way to address your best friend’s lying. Stay calm, call out the lie, and ask them to explain themselves. Use “I” statements to cut down on defensiveness. You might say, “I know you lied to me about having plans this weekend. I heard you on the phone with Sarah. Can you help me understand why you lied?” If you and your friend are in a group, you might pull them aside to confront them privately.

Play dumb and ask for more info. Don't let your pal know you’ve caught their scent. Continue the conversation by querying them for more info. Ask clarifying questions that help uncover the truth. Let's say your friend lies and says, “Yeah, I didn't do anything this weekend, but study.” Don't say, “You're lying!” Go for a more subtle approach, like “Hmph, that’s weird. Josh said he saw you down at the creek on Saturday. He must have been mistaken, huh?”

Laugh it off. Act as though the lie were funny. Playfully deflect to get your friend to admit the truth. You might say, “Oh my goodness, I actually think your nose got bigger just now!” Letting on that you know they’re lying without direct confrontation may ease tension and help you get to the truth.

Ignore it. As hard as it may be, sometimes lies aren't worth the effort. If your friend’s lie is minor and not hurting anyone, just overlook it. There's no use creating negative energy between you and your bestie over a little white lie.

Addressing Habitual Lies

Express your concern. It can be hurtful to watch your best friend frequently lie for no apparent reason. Instead of lashing out in anger, show compassion for them and tell them that you're concerned. Let them know that you don't want to deal with dishonesty, and ask them if they feel like they can be honest with you. You might say, "Carly, I've noticed that your lying is getting worse. I'm really concerned. Do you want to talk to me about it?" Let them know you know about their lying. If you don't confront it directly, it may just get worse.

Avoid engaging them. If your friend lies compulsively, one option for dealing with their lying is taking away your attention. Don't ask questions. Don't make any remark of any kind. Simply stare at them with a blank face. Perhaps, by doing this, they'll get the picture--that you're not falling for their lies--and stop lying so often.

Limit what you share. If you get the sense that your friend is regularly keeping things from you, you may need to reevaluate confiding in them. Take a step back and refrain from giving your friend intimate information about you if they aren't returning the favor. Let your friend know that you will be happy to open up more when they are ready to reciprocate.

Talk to someone you trust. Some people who lie are unable to control it. Pathological liars may need professional help dealing with the problem. If you suspect your friend lies without even thinking, it may be a good idea to confide in someone who can help. Consider talking to your parents, your friend's parents, a teacher, or other trusted adult. See if this person has noticed your friend's lying problem. Put your head together with this person to determine the best course of action for helping your friend. They may need to see a professional mental health counselor to understand what's at the root of their lying. If you have witnessed the destructive consequences of your friend's lying, use examples to convince them to get help. For instance, you might say, "You've gotten fired from two jobs in the past month due to your lying. It hurts to see you this way. It will make me feel so much better if you saw a counselor."

Evaluating the Friendship's Future

Be forgiving. A big part of being a good friend is a willingness to grant forgiveness. Try to forgive your friend if you realize they had good intentions. You might even say, “I forgive you this time, but please tell me the truth next time.”

Set strong boundaries. Boundaries are necessary for strong, healthy friendships. If your friend knows that you value honesty, then they will be more likely to tell the truth. Voice your boundaries by saying, “I appreciate when my friends are honest and straightforward. I don't want to be around people who lie and manipulate others. I'm sure you can understand that.”

Get some distance if the lying is destructive. Although some lying is common, too much lying can be toxic to a friendship. If your friend's lying regularly hurts you or gets you into trouble, you may need to reconsider the friendship. Stop spending as much time with this friend. If they ask why, you might respond with “I like being your friend, but your lying is out of control. I don't want to be around that sort of behavior.”