How to Avoid Your Parents Without Hurting Their Feelings

Using Avoidance Tactics as a Teen

Join a club or organization to spend time away from home. If you're looking for a little time away from your parents, consider joining something they'd approve of that lets you get away for certain periods of time. For example, you could join an educational club that you feel passionate about or become a part of the yearbook or newspaper staff. That way, your parents won't worry about you being away from them, and you have a good excuse for some away time.

Volunteer to have a good reason to be out. You can also fill your time by volunteering. Your parents will view this activity as a responsible, caring thing to do, and you'll get to spend time somewhere away from your parents. Look around in your area, and figure out where you'd be a good fit. You'll find a wide variety of places to volunteer. Plus, volunteering will look good on your resume or college application. For instance, you could read to younger kids at the library or volunteer at your local church. You could also help build houses with Habitat for Humanity or help sort food at a food bank.

Pick up a hobby to spend time on your own. If you need to be at home but you still want to be away from your parents, consider picking up a hobby that requires you to be alone to practice or work on it. For example, you could learn an instrument, plant a garden, learn to draw, take up jogging, or learn yoga. In fact, you could even convince your parents to let you take a class so you'd have time away from home and need to spend time at home working on it.

Get a job to have a responsible reason to be away from home. Another way to spend some time away from your parents is to get a job. Of course, you need your parents' permission to get a job, but your parents can likely be persuaded to let you as long as you keep your studies up. Many fast food places hire teenagers, so look around in your area. Check around at the places you visit to see if any of them are hiring. Present the case to your parents. Explain the reasons why getting a job would be beneficial to your development. For example, you could say, "I'd like to get a job. Getting a job would teach me to be more financially responsible and allow me to at least make my own spending money. In addition, it will give me valuable experience for the future. I promise that my school work won't suffer, as I know you want me to do well in school."

Ask to spend time at friends' houses. This tactic works best if your parents like your friends, so try to pick the friends that your parents approve of. See if you can go over to their house certain nights a week to do homework or spend nights on the weekend. Most parents understand you want to spend time with friends. Of course, you need to get an invitation to stay over from your friend and your friend's parents first. If you're already on good terms with them, you can even ask politely if they've allowed you to stay over in the past. You could ask your parents, "Would it be alright if I spent Tuesday and Thursday evenings at Georgia's house for awhile? We're working on a project for trig together, and I already have permission from her parents." Of course, if you say that, you really should be working on a project together. If you need to ask your friend's parents, you could say, "Mr. and Mrs. Jones, can I ask you a favor? Georgia and I will be working on a project together for trig, and I was wondering if we could work here two nights a week. I understand completely if you don't want to have me over that much, but I promise we'll work diligently and be quiet." You can also ask your friend to work on her parents.

Pick up responsibilities at home to earn trust. You know that your parents like you to take care of things around the house. In fact, you probably already have assigned chores. Make sure you get your chores done on time. On top of that, if you notice something else that needs to be done, pick it up. The reason this step is important is because the more responsibility you take on, the more your parents will trust you to go out on your own. If you can go out on your own, you can avoid them more without actively rejecting their affections at home. You can also show responsibility in other areas, such as making sure you get your homework in on time and trying not to fight with your siblings. You can also be sure to drive safely and not get tickets when you're out and about.

Don't break your parents trust. If you're trying to gain more independence, you need your parents to trust you. That means following their rules and doing what you say you're going to do. It also means trying not to make bad decisions like drinking alcohol or sneaking out late at night.

Confronting Your Parents

Figure out what you want before you talk to your parents. When talking to your parents, you need to be able to know exactly what you want. Do you just want to be able to have some alone time, or do you really feel like you need some new responsibilities to be more independent? Maybe you feel like your parents don't trust you or respect your person, and by trying to avoid them, you're really just trying to develop your own independent self. Before you talk to your parents, try to sort out your feelings and figure out what you hope to gain. Try writing about your feelings. Ask yourself questions like, "Why do I want to avoid my parents?" and then let yourself be free to write down what you're feeling. Look at what you've written to figure out what you want. For instance, if you really are just trying to be more independent, talk to your parents about how you can earn their trust and ways you can start to do things on your own.

Ask them to sit down with you. You don't want to ambush your parents at a bad time. If they're busy getting dinner ready, they won't be able to focus on you and what you need. Therefore, it's best to set up a time with them so they'll be ready to put their attention on you. For example, you could say, "Hey, I'd like to sit down and talk to you at some point about something. When would be a good time when I'd have your full attention?"

Tell them what you want. Of course, you don't want to be mean. However, once you've figured out what you want from your parents, you need to tell them. Start with how you're feeling, and move on to what you'd like them to do to help you change that. For example, you could say something like, "I've been feeling restless lately. I feel like I'm getting old enough to be trusted to go out on my own more. I feel upset when you don't trust me enough to do that. I'd like to prove to you that I'm responsible enough to be trusted, but I need your input on how to do that." Don't blame your parents. Rather, talk about your emotions to help your parents understand.

Expect reasonable boundaries as a teen. As you are still a teen, your parents need to know where you are most of the time. While it can be annoying, giving your parents an idea of what you'll be doing can help put them at ease. Plus, they know where to find you in case of an emergency. Remember that your parents love you and have your best interest at heart. Also, remember that they're human. They've watched you grow up, and of course, they're going to feel protective of you. Realize that it's going to be hard for them to let go.

Realize that setting boundaries may hurt your parents' feelings. No matter how you go about it, setting a boundary or asking for space may cause your parents to get emotional. That's natural. However, if you're calm and respectful about it and help your parents see that you just want to be your own person, all of you can move forward with a healthier relationship.

Asking for Space as an Adult

Schedule regular time with your parents. One way to help avoid unexpected visits is to schedule regular time with your parents. That way, they know exactly when they'll get to see you, and they won't be as tempted to just drop by. Try scheduling a once a week or bi-monthly time to get together. You could say, "I love spending time with you two, so I'd like to set up a time where we can get together on a regular basis. That way, I know I'll get to see you."

Tell them you'll call them instead of waiting for them to call you. If you tend to be busier than your parents are because they've retired, then you may not want to drop everything when they call. In that case, it's appropriate to say that you'll call them. Just be sure you do it fairly regularly. They are your parents, after all.

Get busy to have an excuse not to see them. If you are newly out of your home, you may need to find an excuse to be away from home. Of course, you want to visit, but you also need to establish your new life away from your parents. In that case, joining an organization in your community or college or even a sorority or fraternity if you're in college can help you keep your distance when you need to. This tactic can be especially good if it's something that will give you career experience, let you network, or look good on your resume.

Try to be financially independent so you're not obligated to see them. If you ask your parents for a loan or are dependent on them when you go off to school for spending money, it can be harder to avoid them when you need to. When you're financially obligated to someone, you must be in contact with them from time to time. Save up what money you can, and as often as possible, turn to other options besides your parents.

Handle your responsibilities. If you're newly out of the house, it's time to start being responsible for yourself. That doesn't mean you can't call your parents for advice. Of course you can. However, try to handle the small details of day-to-day life on your own, including things like scheduling dental appointments, talking to the registrar's office if you're in school, and getting your oil changed on your car. If you're constantly dependent on your parents, it can be harder to break away from then when you need some space. If you're in a bind at college, talk to your advisor or even your residential hall supervisor. They're there to help your figure out your way at school.