Does Age Matter in a Relationship?

How important is age in a relationship?

Generally, age isn’t as important as other compatibility factors. Age is only one aspect of your relationship—other things like life goals, wanting or not wanting children, having the same values, and respecting each other are much more important than your age. Many people make age gap relationships work, and they do it by focusing less on the age of their partner and more on their personality. Research has found that the most common age gap between heterosexual couples is 2 to 3 years.

How much of an age gap is too much?

Many people follow the rule of 7 to determine their largest age gap. Take your age, divide it in half, then add 7: whatever that number is, that’s the minimum age that the rule of 7 says is socially acceptable to date. However, this isn’t a hard and fast rule, and many people break this rule when they find someone that they love. For instance, if you are 45 years old, you would take 45/2 = 22.5 + 7 = 29.5. Therefore, you wouldn’t want to date anyone younger than 29 years old.

Potential Problems in an Age Gap Relationship

Social stigma Age gap relationships tend to be judged more harshly than non-age gap ones. You might find that even close friends and family judge or question your relationship, which can be frustrating. Keep in mind that you and your partner’s happiness is the only thing that matters, and outside opinions don’t have to affect your relationship. If your friends or family are really struggling to accept your partner, give them some time. Often, people need to get to know someone before they can understand or accept an age gap relationship.

Mismatched libidos As we age, our libidos tend to get slightly lower. This isn’t true for everyone, but you may find that in an age gap relationship, a libido mismatch is more common. Keep the line of communication open, and talk to your partner if you’re unhappy with your sex life. Keep in mind that some people experience the reverse: as they age, their libidos get higher.

Differences in maturity In general, older people have more life experience, so they’re slightly more mature. If you’re in an age gap relationship, this difference in maturity can be frustrating—you might wonder why your partner is so serious all the time, or why they treat everything as a joke. If you're the older person in the relationship and this is tough for you, try to be patient with your partner. Remember that they haven’t had all of the life experience that you have, and that their maturity will probably increase over time.

End-of-life planning If one partner is significantly older than the other, you may start thinking about what happens when one person passes away. In age gap relationships, the potential for one partner to pass before the other is much higher, which can bring about a lot of negative feelings. Be sure to talk with your partner about this concern, even if it feels uncomfortable. If you’re the older partner, make arrangements now so your partner is taken care of later on.

How to Make an Age Gap Relationship Work

Find common interests. In a relationship with a large age gap, it might not be immediately obvious what you and your partner have in common. Spend some time getting to know each other, and find at least one good hobby or activity that you two can do together. If you can hang onto that one connection, your bond will strengthen and grow over time. Don’t have anything in common right now? Try signing up for a class together. You could try a cooking class or an art class to learn something new while finding a new hobby together. Try picking out aspects from your partner’s personality that you have in common. If you’re both creative, maybe you could create art together. If you’re both athletic, maybe you could pick up a sport together.

Define your goals for the relationship. Since you two aren’t exactly the same age, have a talk with your partner about where you see this relationship going and what your priorities are. Typically (but not always), the older person in the relationship wants to settle down faster, while the younger person wants to stay casual for a while. Try to compromise and set goals for yourself and your relationship that you are both okay with. For instance, maybe your partner wants to buy a house and have kids right now, but you’d like to travel a bit more. You could compromise by limiting your travels and putting off having kids and settling down until you feel comfortable doing that.

Set boundaries with your loved ones. Judgmental friends and family members may try to talk to you about your relationship. You can set boundaries with them to stop them from passing judgment on you and your partner by gently expressing yourself. “I know you think the age gap is a little strange, but I really want you to get to know him before you judge him. We’re in a relationship because of our personalities, not because of our ages.”