- Monogamish relationships allow intimate activities with other people, with limits. Every monogamish couple sets their own boundaries on what’s allowed.
- Monogamish couples are emotionally committed to each other, exclusively. This differs from polyamory, where having multiple romantic partners is common.
- Being monogamish might be right for you if value emotional exclusivity but want sexual freedom. You’ll need to feel secure and comfortable setting boundaries.
What is a monogamish relationship?
Monogamish relationships allow sex with other people, with limits. This is a type of non-monogamy—a non-exclusive sexual relationship—in which two partners are committed to each other, but still engage in sex with other people under specific circumstances, such as having a third person join them for a threesome. Unlike in other forms of non-monogamy, monogamish couples prioritize their relationship and set strict boundaries on the sexual encounters they can have with other people. Monogamish couples are emotionally committed to each other, exclusively, just like conventional monogamous couples. People in monogamish relationships don’t have additional romantic partners: only casual sexual partners or “friends with benefits.” Every monogamish couple set their own boundaries on what kinds of sex are allowed outside of their relationship. Violating those boundaries would be considered cheating. Monogamish relationships are similar to “open” relationships, except that “open” implies fewer rules and boundaries. The term “monogamish” was coined by the sex columnist Dan Savage. He uses the term to describe his own marriage.
How Monogamish Relationships Work
Couples set boundaries according to their mutual desires and needs. Typically, they’ll have a conversation (or several) to discuss what they’re comfortable with and what would be off-limits. For instance, they may permit kissing or flirting with other people, but sex is not allowed. Or they may be comfortable with each other having one-night stands, but not ongoing relationships with other partners. Couples may renegotiate their boundaries over time. For example, at first, a couple may only have sex with other people together in threesomes, but later decide to allow each other to have casual sex without the other partner present. Emotional boundaries are common. Romantic connections with others are usually off the table, and monogamish couples may require each other to stop seeing someone if such feelings develop.
Monogamish couples don’t get romantically involved with others. As in monogamous relationships, monogamish couples prioritize each other, emotionally. Intimacy or sexual activity with other people might be allowed, but those partners don’t have a say in the couple’s relationship. Some couples may even allow each other to “veto” the other’s sexual partners, prohibiting future encounters with them. This dynamic can work if those other partners are comfortable with the arrangement, and if the couple communicates their boundaries clearly, honestly, and upfront. This is a form of “hierarchical” non-monogamy in which certain sexual partners—in this case, the couple—are prioritized over others. This is different from non-hierarchical non-monogamy, where all partners are equally prioritized.
Monogamish couples don’t practice polyamory. They have a very conventional relationship structure that resembles monogamy, at least from the outside. Polyamory, on the other hand, can take on many structures. Some poly folks date multiple people with no romantic intent. Others are in 3-person romances. And some live together in polyamorous communities with no strict rules around sex or romantic feelings. The varieties are endless. But monogamish relationships are much more traditional: two people, one romantic connection, and lots of clear-cut rules. Some polyamorous people strongly prioritize one or two romantic connections. But this is not a hard rule, unlike in monogamish relationships.
Monogamish couples have rules around fidelity and cheating. In monogamish relationships, anything that violates the boundaries and limits you agreed on can be considered cheating. This could include going on a date with a new person without consulting your spouse. Or it could involve having unprotected sex with someone when your boundaries require you to always use protection. As in monogamy, cheating can damage a monogamish relationship and endanger someone’s health by increasing the risk of STIs or unwanted pregnancy.
Signs a Monogamish Relationship is Right for You
You value emotional commitment but still want sexual freedom. You want, or already have, one true love. You may even want to get married, or at least spend your life with someone. But you enjoy sex with new partners and wouldn’t be happy giving that up. If you’re bisexual or pansexual, a monogamish relationship can also allow you to have sexual encounters with someone of a different gender than your partner’s.
You’re confident that monogamy is not for you. Maybe you’ve always known. Or maybe you’ve been monogamous for years, and you just can’t do it anymore. Whatever the case, you know you want something different, and you’re ready to give it a try. If you’ve been in non-monogamous relationships before, you may already know from experience that it works for you.
You don’t want multiple, close romantic partners at once. You know that polyamory works for some people, and you’re fine with that. But having multiple romantic relationships at once just doesn’t interest you. On the other hand, having one love suits you just fine. If you do in fact want multiple romantic relationships, consider trying polyamory instead.
You’re comfortable with setting boundaries. You understand your own needs, worries, and desires, and you’re willing to ask your partner to respect them. You’re comfortable with negotiating and setting limits on the kinds of intimacy that are allowed outside of your relationship. Some possible boundaries include: Limits on emotional intimacy with other people. Limits on specific behaviors or sexual activities. Limits or prohibitions on unprotected sex. Frequency of STI screenings, and expectations around sharing the results. Where and when intimate acts with other people can take place. The amount of contact you have with other partners. How much you tell each other about other sexual encounters. If/when you should consult each other before engaging in intimate activity with other people.
You’re willing to respect your partner’s boundaries. Your partner will have their own needs, worries, and desires. Like you, they’ll need to negotiate rules and limits for sexual activities with other partners. Together, you can compromise with each other and set boundaries that both of you are comfortable with. Navigating disagreements and differing needs is a part of any relationship, but it’s especially important for setting boundaries. If you’re struggling or want some help, try couples counseling with a clinician who understands non-monogamous relationships.
You trust your partner, and they trust you. You know they’ll keep their word, and they know you’ll keep yours. You trust each other to respect your boundaries even when the other is not present. You trust each other to maintain the emotional connection you share, even as you explore your sexualities with other people. Trust is absolutely essential when it comes to safe sex. Like all non-monogamous people, monogamish couples are at a higher risk of contracting and transmitting STIs. You’ll need to trust each other to use protection and get tested for STDs regularly.
Jealousy is not a huge problem for you. Sure, you get jealous sometimes. For instance, maybe you don’t like being ignored during a threesome. But you can work through those feelings and express them calmly. You can advocate for your own needs. But you also recognize when your jealousy isn’t healthy, and you’re able to overcome jealousy or let it go. As always, talking to your partner about jealousy is essential. Remember that they’ll need to navigate their own jealousy too.
You and your partner have a healthy relationship. All couples have ups and downs. But you always work through conflicts and listen to each other’s needs. You both feel that your relationship is strong, and you’re confident that you can overcome challenges as they arise. Being monogamish won’t fix a relationship. If you and your partner are not in a good place, becoming monogamish could add stressors and make things harder.
You’re comfortable with the risks. You know there’s no way to predict how your relationship will adjust to becoming monogamish, but you’re okay with that. You also understand the risks of STIs and pregnancy (if the latter applies in your case). You know that some people will disapprove of your choice if they find out. Nonetheless, you’re willing to take a chance and do what’s right for yourself. Some risks to consider include: Social stigma surrounding non-monogamy. The possibility that you or your partner might regret becoming monogamish, or may want to revert to monogamy. Difficulties in finding new sexual partners, or finding people who are attracted to both of you. Risk of STIs (contracting or transmitting). Risk of pregnancy (if applicable). Risk of developing romantic feelings for others.
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