- A lack of communication, dissatisfaction with your relationship, and an emotionally distant partner are all possible causes of feeling lonely in your relationship.
- You may be experiencing loneliness if you feel like you can no longer confide in your partner or like they no longer want to spend time with you.
- Tell your partner honestly about these feelings of loneliness and don’t be afraid to be open and vulnerable when talking about your experiences.
Causes of Loneliness in Relationships
Relationship dissatisfaction Feeling like your relationship is lacking in some way can lead to feelings of loneliness and increased distance between you and your partner. You may have gone into your relationship with certain expectations for how things would turn out and how your partner would act. But if these expectations aren’t met, you may start to feel like you’re alone in your relationship. For example, you might have expected your relationship to reach certain milestones at certain times. Maybe you wanted to move in with your partner after 3 years and were hoping they’d propose soon after. If your relationship doesn’t live up to these expectations, it’s not uncommon to feel disappointment and sadness, both of which can transform into loneliness.
Lack of intimacy When you begin sharing less and less intimate moments with your partner, both emotional and physical, you may start to feel like you’re alone in your relationship. For example, no longer saying “I love you” to each other or being less sexually intimate are both things that can contribute to feelings of loneliness. A lack of intimacy can make you feel like your partner no longer desires you and can lead to a drop in self-esteem, both of which can cause loneliness. This can also lead to feelings of jealousy within your relationship and a lack of self-confidence.
Emotional distance It’s more than possible to feel lonely if you feel like your partner isn’t being attentive to your emotional needs. Showing little or no interest in what you have to say, not being there to comfort you during difficult times, and not reacting appropriately when you confide in them are all signs your partner may be emotionally distant. For example, an emotionally distant or unavailable partner might offer very little comfort when you go to them with a problem. They might just say something like, “That’s tough” or “What do you want me to do about it?” instead of giving support.
Physical distance It’s more than natural to feel lonely when you’re not able to have your partner right by your side. When you’re separated, it becomes increasingly difficult to satisfy each other’s needs, and they may not always be there right when you need them to provide comfort and support. Distance can also mean an absence of physical intimacy, which can make these feelings of loneliness even more obvious. It’s not unnatural to feel lonely when you’re separated from your partner, especially if you’re pursuing something like a long-distance relationship. It’s important to be aware that just because you miss your partner and feel a bit lonely doesn’t mean there’s necessarily anything wrong with your relationship.
Lack of communication Good communication skills are an extremely important part of any healthy relationship. If you and your partner haven’t yet found a way to communicate your wants and needs to each other in an effective way, you can be left feeling dissatisfied and lonely. You may feel like you can’t express your honest feelings with your partner, which can make you feel even more isolated and alone. For example, if your partner doesn’t confide in you even if it’s obvious they’re going through something, you might feel especially lonely within your relationship.
Distrust Feeling like you can’t rely on your partner can be extremely isolating. Relationships are all about mutual support and being there for one another, but if you feel like you can’t trust your partner to be there for you, you may start feeling lonely and like you can only rely on yourself. You may not trust your partner because they tend to be overly critical of anything you choose to share with them. A partner who’s been unfaithful can also be extremely hard to trust, and their past actions may have left you feeling even more distant from them.
Lack of quality time Even if you spend time with your partner, you can still feel lonely if that time together doesn’t feel meaningful. When you spend quality time with one another, it means you give each other your undivided attention and take the time to really get to know each other on a deeper level. If your time together is full of surface-level conversations and your partner seems distracted the entire time, it’s natural to begin feeling lonely. For example, your partner spends more time on their phone than actually talking to you when you’re together, you’re not actually spending quality time together. It’s completely normal to feel lonely even if you do make an effort to spend quality time together. Sometimes feelings of disconnect can crop up even when you’re physically together, but that doesn’t always insinuate there’s an issue with your relationship.
Social media When it comes to social media, people often only choose to show the absolute best parts of their lives and relationships. Spending a lot of time on social media can make you start comparing your relationship to others, and you might unconsciously begin fixating on the “shortcomings” of your relationship. Focusing too much on these negatives (whether they’re true or not) can lead to feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction.
Abuse Emotional abuse, physical abuse, and neglect are all things that can leave you feeling isolated and lonely within your relationship. An abusive partner might ignore your wants and needs, say insulting and hurtful things to make you feel inadequate in your relationship, or even purposefully isolate you from others outside of your relationship to make you feel even more lonely. If you’re in an abusive relationship, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 to get immediate help.
Mental health issues Mental health disorders like depression can make these feelings of loneliness in your relationship even stronger. With major depressive disorder, these feelings of loneliness can also be accompanied by feeling of hopelessness and emptiness. Personality disorders like borderline personality disorder (BPD) can also make a person more susceptible to feelings of loneliness. If you think you’re experiencing symptoms of depression or any other mental health disorder, talk to a licensed psychologist right away to get an official diagnosis and professional support.
Signs of Loneliness in a Relationship
You feel like your partner doesn’t care about you. One sign that you’re feeling lonely is if you feel like your partner doesn’t truly care about making you happy and satisfying your needs. For example, they might be extremely dismissive when you go to them with a request, or they may not even ask for your opinion when making decisions.
You feel lonely even when you’re physically close to your partner. This could be an indication that you and your partner are lacking emotional closeness. Even when they’re right there, you may feel like they don’t actually hear or see you. If you feel like they’re always distracted or don’t acknowledge your presence fully, it’s likely that you’re experiencing loneliness because of their actions. For example, even when you’re eating dinner together, they might not make any effort to start a conversation or ask you about your day, leaving you feeling very alone and unseen. If they’re constantly distracted by their phone, you might feel like their social media and electronics are a bigger priority than you.
You no longer confide in your partner. When you feel like you can no longer turn to your partner, it’s possible that you’re feeling alone in your relationship. For example, they may no longer be the first person you want to share exciting news with. Or, you may choose to talk to your friends and family about problems you’re having instead of going to your partner for help. You may choose to stop confiding in your partner if you know that they’ll just be overly critical of your opinion or won’t actually offer any support or comfort. It might be that they also don’t confide in you, and you may feel like you’re always the last person to know what’s going on in their life despite being their partner.
Your partner doesn’t show their appreciation for you. Sometimes people need reminders that they’re loved and appreciated within their relationship. If you feel like your partner doesn’t recognize the good things you do for them and is taking you for granted, it’s likely that you’re also feeling lonely. For example, if they no longer say “I love you” as frequently as they used to, it’s completely natural to feel a bit lonely and underappreciated.
It seems like your partner is avoiding spending time with you. Maybe they said they’re suddenly really busy at work or have other engagements when you offer to spend time together. Whatever their reason may be, it’s possible that you’re feeling lonely and a bit neglected if it seems like they no longer have any time to be together with you. For example, it’s not uncommon to start feeling lonely if your partner constantly bails on the plans you made together last minute or chooses to spend their weekends with their friends instead of you.
You feel like you and your partner have nothing in common. While you and your partner don’t necessarily have to share everything in common, feeling like you have no shared interests can make you feel very lonely and disconnected. As this loneliness continues to grow, these differences might become even more obvious. If you realize you don’t have any common interests, finding things to talk about and do together might become more difficult and make you feel even more alone. Keep in mind that some relationships can work out perfectly even if you and your partner don’t have a lot in common. Finding a way to connect despite your differences is the key to preventing feeling lonely.
You’re less sexually intimate with your partner. A decrease in or complete lack of physical intimacy can be a major sign that the feelings of sadness or disappointment you have are actually loneliness. You may have noticed that you and your partner aren’t nearly as sexually active as you may once have been. Or, it might be that your partner is actively avoiding having sex and making up excuses not to. Aside from sex, your relationship might also be lacking other forms of physical intimacy, such as hugging, cuddling, or kissing. All of these might be reasons for and signs of your lonely feelings.
Is your relationship the cause of your loneliness?
Dissatisfaction with another area of your life may cause loneliness. Loneliness in general is defined as a feeling of dissatisfaction. If you feel dissatisfied with your relationship in some way, then it’s certainly possible that your relationship and/or partner is causing you to feel lonely. However, there could also be outside factors causing these feelings. To pinpoint the exact cause, think about how you felt before and after you started your relationship. Did you still feel lonely even before being with your partner? If so, something else might be causing these lonely feelings. Other causes of loneliness include dramatic changes in your life, such as a career change or the death of a loved one, low self-esteem, and personality or mental health disorders, such as borderline personality disorder (BPD) or depression. If your partner can pinpoint specific examples of when they made an effort to make you feel satisfied and happy but you’re still feeling lonely, it’s possible that your relationship isn’t necessarily the problem. However, if you can point out specific things that dissatisfy you in your relationship, or if your partner also feels lonely, it might be your relationship causing these feelings.
Overcoming Loneliness
Reflect on your feelings. The most important thing in dealing with loneliness is acknowledging the emotions you’re feeling and recognizing them for what they are. Take a while to self-reflect and think about what you’re feeling and what may have caused these feelings. If you can pinpoint a specific behavior of your partner that’s causing these lonely feelings, it can be extremely helpful in figuring out what steps to take next. Keep a journal and use it to write down your feelings. Sometimes writing things out can help you organize your thoughts and more easily confront your emotions.
Be honest and talk to your partner about your feelings. Let your partner know how your loneliness is impacting you and your relationship. When you talk to them, speak honestly about your feelings and don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with them. Avoid placing any blame and just speak about your personal experiences and emotions. Use “I” statements to help avoid sounding like you’re blaming them and keep the focus on your emotions and perspective. For example, instead of saying, “You make me feel terrible because you don’t want to spend time together,” say, “I’ve been feeling really lonely lately, and it seems like we don’t spend as much time together as we used to.” Be sure to also listen to your partner’s side of the story. It’s possible that they have their own reasons for their behavior.
Take a break from social media. Social media might only worsen your feelings of loneliness, especially if you find yourself constantly comparing yourself to others and their relationships. Get away from social media for a couple weeks or even months to detox. This might also give you the time you need to focus more on your relationship and improving things with your partner.
Pick out the things you’re grateful for in your relationship. When you feel lonely, it’s natural to fixate on the negatives of your partner and your relationship. Making an effort to think positively can help you shift your perspective and create an overall more positive atmosphere in your relationship. Start a gratitude journal and write down 3 to 5 things about your partner or relationship that you’re grateful for each day. Show your appreciation by writing your partner a heartfelt note or telling them in person how grateful you are to have them in your life.
Be forgiving of your partner. While it can be frustrating, it’s important to remember that nobody’s perfect and that people are bound to slip up and make mistakes from time to time. When you hold a grudge, you end up creating an even bigger distance between you and your partner. However, choosing to forgive your partner can bring you closer and help heal wounds much quicker. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting. In fact, it’s important to remember how they hurt you so that you can work together to make sure they don’t repeat their mistake again. Forgiveness is more so about being willing to move forward and not letting your anger or resentment hold you back.
Spend more quality time with your partner. Spending quality time together is all about doing things that allow you to truly connect with your partner and give each other your undivided attention. If you want to do something together, plan activities you’ll both enjoy. Spending time together to just talk and have deep conversations is also a great way to spend quality time together and get to know one another even better. Carve out time in your schedule specifically reserved for spending time together. For example, you might reserve Friday nights for date nights or agree to spend every other weekend doing things together. Make sure you’re also making time to be physically intimate if you feel like that’s something lacking in your relationship.
Lean on your close friends and family. Spending time with other people you feel close to can help alleviate any lonely feelings you have and make you feel better connected to others. Don’t be afraid to open up about what’s going on in your relationship and ask for advice about what to do. Even if you don’t talk about your relationship specifically, just spending time with others can help you feel less lonely. Doing fun things with friends can help take your mind off of your lonely feelings. Take a trip together, go out to eat, or do fun activities like bowling, gaming, or cooking.
Practice mindfulness. Learning how to be okay with being alone is an important part of overcoming feelings of loneliness. Meditate or do yoga to help focus on your inner thoughts and feelings. By being mindful, it’ll become easier to find peace even when you’re alone and enjoy being in your own company. Treat your time alone as a time to self-reflect and grow. Remind yourself that just because you’re alone doesn’t mean you have to feel lonely.
Invest time in your interests and hobbies. Doing things that bring you genuine happiness and enjoyment is a very important part of overcoming loneliness. Make time to pursue your hobbies and interests, or find a new hobby to dedicate your time to. If you feel like your time is being spent in a meaningful way, those feelings of loneliness might not stick around much longer. Each couple will have different needs in terms of how much time they wish to spend together and alone, but just know that not spending 100% of your time together is more than okay. The amount of time you spend together and apart will also change with the natural ups and downs of daily life. Just be sure to check in with your partner about what their needs are and compromise with each other about how much time you spend together.
Get involved in your community. Volunteering in your community or joining a fun club or organization can provide you with lots of opportunities to connect with more people and make new friends. Being surrounded by people and talking to them might be just what you need to combat feelings of loneliness. Getting involved can also help you feel a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction in what you’re doing with your time.
Consider attending couples therapy. If these feelings of loneliness persist, and you and your partner are having trouble moving forward in your relationship, consider attending couples therapy and talking to a licensed professional. Therapy provides a safe environment to honestly speak about your feelings, and your therapist might be able to provide with you exercises and advice for addressing any issues in your relationship.
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