How to Win over Your Boyfriend's Mum

Making a Great First Impression

Do your homework. Ask your boyfriend to tell you about his mum. Find out her background, her hobbies, conversation suggestions, what to avoid talking about… everything you can learn about her! Go into your first encounter knowing what to expect. Here are some things you might want to find out: Where she grew up What she does/did for a living Hobbies and interests Food preferences (if your first meeting will involve a meal) Definite conversation no-nos (don’t bring up dogs if she recently lost her beloved pet)

Greet her warmly. Say hello with a pleasant smile and a friendly tone of voice. Make good eye contact when you greet her — don't look at the ground or avoid her gaze. Shake hands (or even give her a hug, if she’s the hugging type), but do not feel compelled to do anything you are not comfortable doing.

Bring a small gift. It does not have to be anything fancy, nor should it be anything too personal. If you bring a food item, make sure she doesn’t have any food allergies. Some ideas include: Flowers Chocolates or candy A bottle of wine (find out from your boyfriend beforehand if she drinks alcohol) A regional food specialty unique to your area Homemade baked goods Something you made, if you are crafty or artistic

Pay attention to your appearance. Dress appropriately. While you shouldn't try to hide who you are, it might be a good idea to dress on the conservative side when you first meet her. You shouldn't feel like you're being fake or hiding too much of your personality — if you are proud of your tattoos, don't feel you need to cover them up — but try and present yourself in the best possible light. Keep your makeup simple and subtle, if you wear it. Make sure your hair isn’t in your face. You will look more confident.

Have good manners. While good manners aren’t necessarily memorable, bad manners will stand out. Smile, be polite, and make sure your table manners are on point. No chewing with your mouth open! Watch your language. The first meeting is not the time to let your boyfriend’s mother know you curse like a sailor! Pay compliments. While you don’t want to come across as insincere or ingratiating, a well-timed, genuine compliment will be appreciated. For example, if his mum has a beautiful home, you can compliment her taste and say, “I think Greg is a great decorator, too. He must have inherited your good taste!”

Avoid PDA. Public Displays of Affection are not appropriate for the first time you meet a parent. Remember that PDA might make his parents uncomfortable, just as seeing his parents' PDA might be uncomfortable for you. This time is for you to begin developing a relationship with your boyfriend’s mum, not about you and your boyfriend. Hands off for a few hours!

Remember that she is probably nervous, too. She is meeting her son’s significant other and likely wants to make a good impression on you. Smile and help her feel at ease.

Having Good Conversations

Ask lots of questions. Most people enjoy talking about themselves. People tend to have a better impression of the listener when the listener gives them lots of opportunity to share their stories. Find out about her background and let her tell her favorite stories. She will likely enjoy retelling a favorite story for a new audience.

Make sure you’re not talking too much. When some people get nervous, they have a tendency to blab on and on. If you are one of those people, find a way to keep yourself in check. For example, you may want to have your boyfriend pay attention to your conversation, and come up with a signal (coughing, pulling his ear) if you are talking too much. You can also keep an eye out for behavioral gestures that indicate the listeners is losing interest, such as looking away, or gestures that indicate the listener can't get a word in, like them opening their mouth to says something but then stopping.

Find common interests. Learn about her hobbies ahead of time from your boyfriend. If you have something in common, come prepared with some stories of your own. Do you both love to travel? Have her share some of her trips with you, and ask for her advice. For example, “Mike told me you went to Italy last year. I’ve never been there. Which cities did you visit?” If you both enjoy watching football, talk about your favorite team or recent games.

Be agreeable. Now is not the time to be the authority on everything. Do your best to keep the peace and maintain a positive impression. Stick to neutral topics. Now is not the time to bring up religion, politics, or your ex-boyfriends, for example. Try building on the statement you disagree with in order to continue the conversation. Maybe you don’t agree with her assessment that “everyone is glued to their phones these days.” Instead of disagreeing and letting her statement hang there, you could say, “I always feel like I need to have my phone with me. I have so much important information on it!” Change the subject if you are worried you will get into an argument.

Ask her about your boyfriend. She’ll enjoy telling stories about him, and as a bonus, you both share a common interest! Have her tell you stories about what he was like as a child. Ask her about family traditions, like holidays and favorite recipes.

Remember that she has known him longer. Don’t be a know-it-all when it comes to your boyfriend. She’s known him his whole life, and you’ve known him for a few months. Don’t correct her about his preferences. If his mother serves him scrambled eggs, and you know for a fact he only likes his eggs poached right now, don’t say anything. He can let her know. Keep your nose out of your boyfriend and his mother’s relationship. They have their own dynamic and their own ways of relating. You might not like her nitpicky criticism of her son, but that is up to him to address with her, not you.

Watch your sense of humor. Make sure it is not directed at her and that it doesn’t cross the line into inappropriate territory. You will have to figure out her sense of humor and how far you can stretch yours. Jokes about sex, religion, and politics should be avoided. Jokes that are overly sarcastic or put people down will likely not leave her with a favorable impression.

Being Thoughtful

Invite her places. Ask her to join you and your boyfriend for brunch, a trip to a museum, or another non-romantic date. She may not accept, but it always feels good to receive an invitation!

Think of her. Keep your eyes open and look for ways to further develop your relationship with her. For example, if she loves art, and you see a notice for a special exhibit, let her know about it.

Continue to share your common interests. She’ll appreciate the effort you are putting into the relationship to further your conversations. Go with whatever common ground you can find, even if it’s something as small as a mutual love of a TV show. For example, “So have you started rewatching Downton Abbey? I think I’m going to; I miss it so much! Who was your favorite character on it again?”

Ask her advice. People love to be needed and helpful. Learn her areas of expertise and ask for help in them. For example, if she is a terrific baker, ask her to suggest an easy recipe you could learn so you could improve your baking. If she loves gardening, ask to see her garden and for suggestions for plants you could grow.

Offer to help. Do the dishes after dinner at her house, bring a side dish to a family meal, or take out the trash. She may say you don’t need to do anything, and if so, take her at her word. If you are having a hard time talking to her, doing a chore may also get you a break from your conversation!

Invite her over for dinner. Invite her to your place for dinner with you and your boyfriend. You do not need to serve an elaborate meal — you could even order food in — but put a little effort into making a nice, cozy evening for her.

Getting Back in Her Good Graces

Address the tension. If you feel coldness or distance in the relationship, chances are she feels it, too. Don’t let resentment build up between the two of you. After all, you may be in each other’s lives for a while. Do your part to clear the air. For example, you could say, “Cindy, I think we got off to a bad start. I respect you and want to have a good relationship with you. Could we try again?”

Apologize. Take responsibility for your behavior. If you did something to fall out of favor with your boyfriend’s mother, own up to it and apologize. Make sure you acknowledge the pain or anger you caused. For example, “I know I was rude when I was making fun of your driving. I know it wasn’t funny to you and it hurt your feelings. I’m so sorry.”

Make changes going forward. Figure out what you can do to improve the relationship. It may be changing a small behavior, or it may mean changing up your environment. For example, If you got drunk and were obnoxious around her, do not drink around her anymore. Do your best to curb an annoying behavior. Maybe she is a picky eater and isn’t impressed by your culinary skills or restaurant choices. Maybe she has cat allergies and your cat was climbing all over her when she came over. You may find that her grievance disappears if she is simply in a more comfortable place.

Talk to her privately. You may want to have a conversation with her without your boyfriend present. This will help keep the two of you from trying to get him to choose sides.

Enlist your boyfriend’s help. Have your boyfriend address the problem if you do not feel like you are getting through to her. He may find it easier to talk to her, given his history and better understanding of her personality. This is something you should do only if you have not been successful in talking to her yourself. It is much better to handle things with her directly if you can.

Let it go. If all else fails, you don’t need to bend over backwards to placate her. Changing who you are for her will only make you resentful. It’s okay if you do not become best buds. Just make sure you always remain polite and respectful to her; she is still an important part of your boyfriend’s life.