Deciding to Stop Lying
Figure out why you lie. People often develop the habit of lying from a very early age. Perhaps you learned as a child that you could get your way more often if you lied and you continued the practice as a teenager and beyond as a way to navigate the difficult situations we all encounter in life. Knowing the root cause of your lying is the first step to making a change. Do you lie as a way to gain control over situations? When you can see a clear path to getting what you want through telling a lie, telling the truth is tough. Maybe you routinely lie as a way to make other people do what you want them to do. Do you lie as a way to make yourself look better? The pressure to compete inundates us from the moment we are able to comprehend what it means. Lying is an easy way to boost your status at work, in your social circle, and even with your loved ones. Maybe you lie as a way to comfort yourself. Telling the truth is often very difficult; it causes tension, awkwardness, and discomfort. Lying to others, and sometimes to yourself as well, prevents you from having to confront uncomfortable situations and feelings.
Determine why you want to stop. Why stop lying when it makes life so much easier? If you don't have clear reasons for quitting, it's a lot harder to become a more honest person. Think hard about what effect lying has on your sense of self, your relationships, and the course of your life. Here are a few good reasons to stop lying: To feel like an upright person again. When you lie, you distance yourself from reality. You hide parts of yourself and project something false to the world. Doing this repeatedly is going to have a negative effect on your sense of goodness and self worth. You deserve the relief of being able to tell the truth about yourself to the world. You are worth getting to know for who you really are. Regaining the ability to take pride in your true identity is probably the most important reason to stop lying. To connect with others again. Lying to other people prevents true connection from taking place. Good relationships are based on people's ability to share themselves with others. The more you mutually reveal, the closer you get. If you're not able to be honest with other people, it's going to have a negative effect on your ability to make friends and feel truly part of a community. To gain back other people's trust. Lying may not cause physical harm but when serves to manipulate other people's behavior, it whittles away at their free will and their right to make choices based on truth. If the people you know have caught you in a lie, they'll protect themselves from further manipulation by no longer placing their trust in you. The only way to gain back someone's trust is to start being honest, and continue being honest until they trust your word again. This could take years, so it's a good idea to start now.
Make a commitment to stop. Treat lying as you would any other addiction, make a serious commitment to quit. It's going to require a lot of hard work and thought, so set a date after which you vow to be honest and get a plan in place to help you be successful. Reading this article is a great first step.
Making a Plan
Get outside help. You might feel like you're alone in your quest to stop lying, but there are people who have been through this and can provide support. It's tough to quit any kind of addiction by yourself. Reach out to people who can provide good advice and help hold you accountable to your goal. Work with a therapist. Talking with someone with a background in psychology and experience helping people who have gone through the same thing will be extremely valuable as you transition from frequent lying to honesty. Talk to the people you're close to. Certain people in your life will want to help you stop lying, even if they've been hurt before by your dishonesty. If you feel comfortable doing so, tell your parents, siblings, or a close friend about your plan to stop lying, so they can provide some support. Join a support group. Talking with other people who understand exactly what you're going through is invaluable. Look for an online support group or a group that meets in person in your community.
Identify your triggers. To successfully stop lying, it helps to identify the situations, emotions, people, or places that tend to cause you to avoid telling the truth. Once you know what triggers your lies, you can either avoid the trigger or find a way to confront it with honesty. Do you tend to lie when you're feeling a certain way? Maybe you're anxious about doing well in school or at work, for example, and you lie to temporarily ease that emotion. Figure out ways to handle your anxiety differently. Do you lie to particular people? Maybe you tell your dad falsehoods instead of dealing with his reaction to your poor grades. You'll have to learn to deal with this particular trigger in a healthier way.
If you can't say something true, don't say anything at all. When you're faced with a trigger and tempted to tell a lie, stop yourself from speaking at all. If you simply can't be honest in the moment, it's better to stay quiet or change the subject. You are not required to answer questions you don't want to answer, or reveal information you don't feel like revealing. If someone directly asks you a question you don't feel you can answer truthfully, it's fine to tell them you'd rather not answer the question. It might make things a little awkward, but it's still better than telling a lie. Avoid situations that have typically made you feel you have to say something untrue. Big group conversations in which everyone brags about accomplishments, for example, can stir up the need to "keep up" by lying. Pay attention to the physical symptoms telling you that you are about to tell a lie. You might cast your eyes down and feel your heart beating faster; when you feel this happening, disengage from the situation so you won't tell a lie.
Practice actively telling the truth. If you've been lying more often than not, telling the truth really does take practice. The key is to think before you speak, and decide to say something true instead of false. Again, if you're asked a question you can't answer truthfully, don't answer. The more you tell the truth, the easier it will become. Try practicing with strangers, or in an online forum. Telling the truth to people with whom you don't have a relationship can be freeing, since it has no consequences. When it comes to people you know, practice being honest by talking about neutral subjects you feel confident discussing. Offer true opinions, or start with basic information about what your plans are for the weekend or what you ate for breakfast. If you have trouble talking about yourself, discuss the news, local politics, sports, philosophy, business ideas, a recipe you tried, your favorite show, a band you want to see, the other person's life, your dog, or the weather. The point is to practice saying things that are true.
Learn how to face consequences. At a certain point, telling the truth will put you in a type of situation you've always told lies to avoid. You'll have to own up when you didn't follow the rules, or reveal that you are unemployed, or confess that you didn't get the part for which you auditioned, or tell someone you aren't actually interested in a relationship. Facing the uncomfortable consequences is still better than lying; because it strengthens your character and builds trust with other people. Prepare to deal with other people's reactions. Maybe hearing the truth causes someone to make a negative comment or have a reaction you don't like. Even if this happens, you can be proud that you told the truth, and know you're dealing with problems with strength and honesty instead of using the easy way out. Work on building trust with people who may not believe you at first. If you have been caught lying a lot to a particular person, it may take a while before they believe you are telling the truth. Keep working at it since the only way in the world to gain back trust is to keep being honest. The next time you tell a lie, you are back at square one.
Staying Honest
Recognize patterns that cause you to slip. As you get into the habit telling the truth, the patterns in your thinking that lead to lies will become more apparent. It's important to stay aware of what tempts you to lie so that you won't slip back into the habit of lying. Learn how to disrupt the patterns by addressing anxiety at its root. If you're faced with a life event that is making you anxious, and about which you don't feel comfortable telling the truth, learn how to deal with your anxiety in a different way. Don't be too hard on yourself when you slip. Being honest is difficult, and we all slip from time to time. Remember that there's only one way to correct the problem: don't lie. Keep being honest. Don't let the pattern take over your life.
Make honesty the core of your character. Honesty is a character trait that is highly valued across cultures and societies. It's a quality that is honed through the hard work of being strong in difficult situations year in and year out. Let truth, rather than lies, become your automatic response when you're faced with the trials of life. Recognizing honesty in other people can be helpful when you're trying to live an honest life. Who do you admire? Ask yourself what he or she would do or say if you're having trouble coming up with the most honest approach. Seek out other honest role models - spiritual leaders, honorable characters in literature, philosophers, leaders of social movements, and so on. Everyone fails to be honest sometimes, but honorable people pick themselves up keep trying to do the right thing with every challenge.
Build good relationships. The more you tell the truth and are accountable to the expectations of other people, the more they'll trust you. It feels good to be trusted by other people. Trust leads to great friendships, intimate relationships, and a feeling of belonging. It banishes loneliness and creates community. When you stop lying, you gain the freedom to be yourself and be accepted by others for who you really are. It is never too late to become an honest person. You can tell your partner that you have not been honest about a few things. If you have been lying for a while, it is better to tell them as soon as possible. It can help to rectify the situation.
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