Confronting Being Replaced
Acknowledge your pain. Being replaced in a relationship is hurtful because we all need connection and to feel like we belong. You might feel sad, confused, stressed, or angry about your friend or former partner moving on. Trying to deny that you're hurt and angry will just leave you even more frustrated when you hear about or see the other person. Name your negative feelings as they come up. Don't judge them, justify them, or try to change them. It may be helpful to take slow, deep breaths when you're feeling emotional pain. Remember that your thoughts and feelings will not last forever. When you start to get upset and think about being replaced, you can say to yourself, "I am feeling hurt. This feeling won't last forever. I can get past this." Write down how you're feeling in a journal to bring yourself some closure.
Acknowledge your role. Reflect on the relationship in which you were replaced, left out, or rejected. You may have some responsibility in how things happened, even if they ended up treating you badly. Reflect on your role and decide if you want to talk to the other person about what happened for some closure. Consider seeking advice from a friend who knows your situation and can listen to you without judging. Find someone who can empathize with you and help you figure out what happened.
Address the issue. If you need to, talking to the person who replaced you may give you some answers and allow you to detach from the pain of being rejected. Focus on finding out what went wrong to better improve your future relationships. Make sure you're calm before you approach them. Notice any tight sensations in your body or difficulty breathing. Those sensations may be a sign to leave this conversation for later, or that you may need to calm yourself down first. Try taking about ten deep breaths and say to yourself, “This is a difficult situation. All I can do is my best, no matter what the outcome may be.” State honestly how you feel about what happened. For example, "I feel confused" or "I feel angry.” Be clear about what you want or need from them. For example, "I need to know what happened. I'm wondering if I offended you or did something wrong. Would you be willing to talk about it?" Listen to the other person's words and feelings. Know that you may not get an answer from the other person or that they may not want to engage with you. If you can't get them to talk with you, or if they can't talk to you maturely, let it go.
Avoid compromising your values. Your natural reaction to being replaced might be to work harder to get back in with that friend or former partner. Be true to yourself, what you like, and what your values are. You shouldn’t have to change who you are. Before trying to fit back in with them, ask yourself: Why do I want to be a part of this group or relationship? What will I have to change about myself to be with them? Is it worth it to change?
Acknowledge things that are beyond your control. You might be tempted to wallow in self-blame. This is not going to help you resolve your feelings on any level. Most likely, the reasons why your friend drifted have more to do with your friend rather than anything you did in particular. Your friend might not be as mature as you, or be mature enough to realize how hurtful your friend’s behavior is. There is always two sides to a situation. Avoid taking all the blame because it’s not a realistic way of looking at the situation, and it can prolong hurt feelings if you beat yourself up with blame.
Avoid social media. The more you stay away from seeing your ex or former friend on social media, the less you'll be re-exposed to them and who they replaced you with. Stop torturing yourself by looking at the pictures of them with the person they replaced you with. Keep in mind that you're only seeing the good things on Facebook or social media that they post. You're not seeing the full picture of what it's like for them now that they're with this new person. Consider hiding them, de-friending them, or blocking them from your social media accounts. Consider deactivating your social media accounts briefly or permanently so that you don't have to encounter seeing them with the new person. Avoid commenting on, liking, or sharing their posts or pictures.
Avoid being mean. It’s natural to feel angry when you're replaced, but you don't need to act out to get their attention. Avoid gossiping, spreading rumors, or being mean to them on social media.
Moving Forward After Being Replaced
Accept yourself. After you’ve been replaced or rejected, you may start to feel negatively about yourself. You may start to believe you’re not worthy of relationships, but you are. Learning to accept yourself again may take some time and may be challenging, but you can do it. Give yourself a break for any mistakes you’ve made. Everyone makes mistakes, and you can learn and move on from them. This knowledge can enrich your future relationships. Avoid calling yourself names. That’s not going to help you move forward.
Stay positive. Even though you’ve been replaced or rejected, you will be okay with time. Remember that now you have more time to focus on yourself and find better relationships. Your ex might have moved on quickly, but this just shows they're not capable of being alone. Prove to yourself that you're capable of being alone by: Focusing on your unique abilities and qualities. Starting a new hobby. Participating in sports or other active pursuits. Focusing on your education or your job.
Meet new people. To help heal from your sense of being replaced, spend time with other people. Reconnecting with others and trying to find somewhere else where you belong will help you get over the loss of your other friends. If you’re not sure where to meet new people, you can try: Volunteering. Joining a sports team. Talking to someone new at work or at school. Joining a gym.
Accept that exclusion is a part of life. Being replaced or rejected never feels good. But it’s important to remember this is a normal part of life. Not everyone you meet is going to like you and you’re not going to like everyone you meet, either. Sometimes relationships have to end. By accepting this, you can focus your energy on yourself and creating better relationships.
Keeping Better Relationships
Find better people. Make sure you’re making and keeping friends or romantic partners who are actually good for you. Look for people who: Listen without judging. Accept you for who you are. Respect your feelings and needs. Help you when you need them.
Be a good listener. Pay attention to what’s going on in the lives of your loved ones and check-in with them regularly to show you care. Show that you can support and provide a safe space for your partner or friend. Avoid giving advice or criticizing. Try to listen to your loved ones without telling them what to do or judging them. For example, if you sister tells you she is having trouble with her husband, don’t try to offer her advice or criticize her for marrying him. Just listen to what she says and offer your support. Steer clear of critical sounding phrases such as, “You should have…” or “I would have…” Instead, try saying something like, “I am sorry you are having these problems.” Avoid trying to think of your response as your friend talks. If you are focused on what you are going to say next, then you will not be able to give your full attention. Focus on your friend’s words, not on what you want to say in response. Ask questions if you don’t understand. If your loved one says something that is unclear, then ask for clarification. Try saying something like, “I think that what you are saying is ___. Is that right?” Reflect back what they say. Echoing your loved one’s words can help them to feel heard and it can also keep you focused as you listen. Try echoing by repeating a short phrase out of a sentence your loved one speaks now and then. For example, if you friend says, “I had to go to the doctor before work this morning to get a tetanus shot,” then you might echo by saying something like, “Oh, a tetanus shot.”
Speak up. It is important to recognize that your time is just as valuable as other people’s time. Therefore, you have the right to say no if someone asks you to do something and you not have the time, energy, or desire to do it. For example, if your friend asks you to help her move over the weekend, but you have already made plans to go out of town with your boyfriend, then you have the right to tell your friend no. Try saying something like, “I can’t. I already have plans. Maybe you can ask your brother to help you?” Keep in mind that you also have the right to just say no if someone asks you to do something you don’t want to do. For example, if a friend asks you to complete some of his homework for him, then you can simply say, “No.” You do not have to offer an explanation.
Commit to the relationship. Make sure that each of you are invested equally in the relationship. Schedule regular plans with each other and keep those plans. Regular contact will keep the relationship stronger. Keep in mind that if you’re the one who’s always making plans or always doing all the work, the relationship may be more one-sided. Your friends or your partner should be making time for you and initiating plans, too.
Enjoy time to yourself. Your relationships will be stronger if you are able to take time for yourself and enjoy being alone by yourself for an hour or two, or even an entire day or night. This will help prevent you from trying to spend too much time with new friends. Not giving them personal space might encourage them to put some distance between you. Develop hobbies you can do on your own, like reading. Set aside time regularly to be alone. Do something nice or special for yourself when you do have to be alone.
Comments
0 comment